Modernised Disney

Hey internet, like a boomerang we have been away but now we are back! I have acquired a new co-host… internet meet Esther (applaud). So let’s write a blog… 

Chris: Hey Esther welcome along to Mundanevision!

Esther: Hi Chris, thanks for having me!

Chris: Thankyou for accepting the position of co-host. This is a bit like the Apprentice… without the tasks. I haven’t been given a title (yet!).

Esther: Maybe we’ll come up with some form of title for you yet, Chris!

Chris: Are you saying you are the Queen, as only the Queen can knight people or give them peers?!

Esther: I can neither confirm nor deny my identity, I shall remain an enigma for now…

Chris: I’ve got an undercover Queen everyone! Somebody hold up a five pound note! (Chris holds up a five pound note next to Esther’s face). You do look suspiciously like the Queen…

Esther: Well I’ll take that as a compliment? (I think!)

Chris: It is a big compliment, as it means you get the Mundanevision royal box! We don’t have a real royal box, so you’ll just have to imagine it for now. If you imagine a box that makes it very easy to think outside of…

Esther: I’ll keep thinking outside that box, and perhaps eventually we’ll be able to get a real-life royal box as a reward for our outside-the-box thinking!

Image result for royal box

Chris: Your Majesty, if you have an old royal box knocking around that you don’t need it anymore, please do send it our way. Just scan it into the computer and it will get to us

Esther: Maybe the real Queen could have a word with her house staff and see if they know of a spare royal box hanging around. If not perhaps we could get one 3D printed or something…

Chris: Well the Queen does have an iPad, so maybe she has a printer too.

Image result for queen ipad

Esther: I’m not sure whether she’d be much of a dab hand on technology, given her age!

Chris: Conspiracy theory about the royal family: do you think the Queen is really present at the royal engagements she is supposed to attend, or is she just a hologram?

Esther: If we’re going to think down that route, perhaps the ‘real’ Queen is actually a hologram too?

Chris: Okay, change of topic before MI5 get onto us, I don’t want to be killed by a sniper, I’m too young to die. So I was thinking about how Disney is into updating fairytales. Like doing backstories for all their characters, and I think I’ve come up with one. Would you like to hear it?

Esther: Do tell, I’m intrigued…

Chris: Ok it’s a modern retelling of the Three Billy Goats Gruff story. Instead of walking over a bridge, and getting eaten by an actual troll, the Goat has an online presence, and someone keeps sending him really mean comments, meaning they’re internet trolls!

Image result for three billy goat gruff book cover

Esther: Wow… talk about relating to a modern-day audience! I’d love to have seen a Cinderella or Snow White facebook or instagram profile…

Chris: There’s no reason why we could make them one here and now! Ladies and gentleman, we present to you the Cinderella facebook page!

Image result for cinderellaImage result for prince charming

Esther: According to her photos, she really lets her hair down when she’s not looking for her Prince or glass slippers! Maybe we were better off knowing less about Cinderella after all…

Chris: I think her status would be: ‘I’m really sad today because I’m living with my step-mum and my step-sisters are so ugly!’ but I reckon she would ‘like’ the upcoming event that Prince Charming shared on his profile about the ball, and she’d click attending!

Esther: She’d probably invite all her Disney Princess friends to the event too. Maybe Belle and Jasmine? I bet they’d have a group chat on Messenger to decide what dresses they all wanted to wear.

Chris: I think Jasmine would say things like ‘can we take a plus 1? Is there room for my flying carpet in the car park? Aladdin is SO dreamy!’

Image result for jasmine flying carpet

Esther: Snow White would be cheeky and ask for a plus seven so she can bring along all her dwarves! Prince Charming’s event would soon be very busy at this rate

Chris: Yeah, I reckon Prince Charming might decline a plus seven for Snow White! A wicked witch would comment and accuse him of being dwarfish!

Esther: Well, you can’t please everyone. I can’t imagine wicked witches would be very welcome in his event anyway!

Chris: ‘Wicked’ doesn’t always bad, perhaps she’s the other kind of witch. For instance, that witch is so wicked, have you seen all the spells she can do?! In this day and age, wicked does mean cool.

Esther: Yes that’s true. The same thing has happened with ‘sick’, one upon a time it meant ill or unpleasant, but today it means cool! Maybe the traditional ‘Wicked Witch’ needs renaming to something more relevant today?

Chris: ‘I can’t come into work today, I’m sick’. ‘You are sick bruv! But you’ve still got to come to work!!’.

Time has run away with us, see you next week guys! Peace 

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The Heirs

Hey, I have got some very exciting news. We have had universal praise, or at least I thought we did, and then I realised it was just a Hollywood studio. We do however have a 90’s voice over man to do today introduction. Have a listen to this. Time for mundanevision, chrissy-wissy, poppy and sloth (like the teletubbies). Money well spent I think. Wow, need I say more? …Yes, its time to write this blog. 

Chris: Hey Poppy, what an introduction hey?

Poppy: Yes I think that is one of your longest intro’s

Chris: The longest? Oh, it was meant to be short, sharp, punchy and catchy, nevermind. Somebody dock that voiceover man’s pay by half! That will make him think about making it so long next time. Punchy… I wonder if that was the breif for the Rocky films, make it punchy.

Image result for rocky

Poppy: I have no idea, I haven’t watched Rocky.

Chris: Oh please tell me you know about the Rocky films, otherwise my joke will have fallen flat on its face, much like his opponents.

Poppy: Well, I can assume he is good at fighting therefore your joke still stands.

Chris: Correct! *Chris pulls string in the studio, releasing confetti and a flashing sign saying well done you got it right*

Image result for confetti

Poppy: Wow that took a lot of effort and planning.

Chris: Yeah, we literally have no confetti, the wedding party next door is going to be upset. And much like the TV show I didn’t tell the bride.

Poppy: Did you know that the show is making a comeback?

Chris: Oh don’t talk to me about comebacks, everything is making a comeback or sequel, even Kate Middleton is producing a trilogy of Royal babies.

Image result for kate middleton

Poppy: I wonder how many children she will have? A friend of mine says that children are like flower displays, you have to have an odd number to look good in photos.

Chris: This is going to been another heir to the throne, and we already have another two so I don’t think people will be in a rush to see it. I would rather wait for reviews.

Poppy: Imagine what it must have been like the 9th of Queen Victoria and Prince Albert’s children!

Chris: She produced a franchise, like fast and furious, they never stop.

Poppy: It does seem a little excessive, but at least she had an odd number so they looked good in the portrait.

Chris: Yes, and if they get bored of being heirs, they can become a band, the Royal Babies, although we already have Royal Blood. Come to think of it The Heirs is a good name too.

Poppy: I prefer The Heirs I think.

Chris: Ok, The Heirs it is, the first album can be called Royal Lineage.

Poppy: I would like it if the song where educational about different periods of British history.

Chris: Oh that would be good, another idea for us to pitch on dragon’s den.

Poppy: We’ve nearly got ourselves a full episode of ideas.

Chris: Yes, we have the other issue to be decided is if Frankie and Bennie’s and Ben and Jerry’s are part of the same family, with one side handling starters and mains and the other handling desserts. Or are they a band?

Image result for ben and jerry's

Poppy: They would need a better name, perhaps The Feeders?

Chris: Or the Main Desserters.

Poppy: All good ideas, I guess it is up to them to choose.

Chris: You mean our lovely blogisode readers can decide.

Poppy: Ah yes of course.

Chris: We have come to the end. If anyone see the new Royal Baby let me know, I might check it out. I bet it will get universal praise again. See you soon, peace.

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Sun thermostat at the Olympics

Hey internet, it is Friday, and it is time for us to write words on a page, which you can read, or as we call it mundanevision. 

Chris: Hey Poppy, we are back after out extended summer break, did anything exciting happen to you.

Poppy: I went on holiday which was nice and went to work. You?

Chris: Holidays are always nice, I think even the word holiday sounds nice. It’s a lot better than vacation, sorry America

Image result for aeroplane

Poppy: yes, that is an awful word.

Chris: People have recently started to use the word stay-cation, to mean staying at home but being on holiday, which is really confusing. When I am on holiday I want to see at least one beach.

Poppy: I am not particularly good in the heat, despite this we went on a hot holiday. I really didn’t know what to do!

Chris: Did you try turning the thermostat down?

Image result for thermostat

Poppy: when you locate the thermostat on the Spanish beaches give me a shout.

Chris: I think there must be one on the sun, maybe that’s what a sun spot is, a giant thermostat. Oooh that’s a good conspiracy theory, perhaps at night it gets turned all the way down and becomes the moon, where did you go Neil Armstrong, where did you go?

Poppy: I am not certain on that, I mean its a nice idea, I just don’t believe it.

Chris: Have you ever seen the sun night? Maybe when people talk about sun setting they are just dialling it down to a lower setting, and then it gets turned up again during the day.

Poppy: I see the logic, but I want you to know that I wholeheartedly believe that you are wrong.

Chris: Ah maybe I am crazy, maybe I am suffering from heat stroke.

Poppy: Well, that wouldn’t happen if you could turn the sun off.

Chris: I see your point, but I still believe there is a giant thermostat on the sun.

Poppy: Ok, I will leave you with that thought…

Chris: Let’s move on from giant thermostats, before I get lynched by Professor Brian Cox and Stephen Hawking. I think even astronomers would have something to say about this. Of course there is no giant thermostat on the sun, its on a cloud. I have just had a great idea, the sloth would make a gymnast with those long arms

Poppy: would he be able to sum up the energy for a back flip though? Unless he was falling out of a tree of course.

Chris: Well, he could grab another branch and swing right back up. A bit like the 80’s toy stretch armstrong, he would have been amazing.

Poppy: and elasta-girl from the incredibles, however I am not sure cartoon superheroes can compete at the olympics.

Image result for my first olympics

Chris: Ok, we need to design a toy olympics!

Poppy: I actually used to do that with my toys as a child.

Chris: track and feild or just track?

Poppy: It ranged across many disciplines, not just athletics

Chris: Maybe that’s a product Fisher Price should come out with. My first olympics

Poppy: That is an exceptional idea, much better than cloud thermostats.

Chris: We could educate the children with the slogan “created in Athens, Greece, now for your home”. Parents would love it as it wear the children out from running marathons. “for the glory of (child’s address)”

Poppy: that is not a bad idea, and child need to be encouraged to take part in more sport.

Chris: Dragon’s den is back maybe we should pitch it to them?

Poppy: I will go a ready my whiteboard.

Chris: And while I am there I will tell them I can solve global warming by putting a thermostat on the sun. See you soon, peace.

 

 

 

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Royal Email

Hey guys!Well this is our last blogisode fora little while. I can hear people boo-ing and throwing tomatoes at their computer monitor, cries of “why?”. Well, I can answer that, even a genius needs a holiday. Imagine Einsteris: in but on a beach in speedos. One more time, lets do this. 

Chris: Hey Poppy, do you think animals have personas or do you think what you see is what you get with them?

Poppy: Well, I think they have different reactions depending on the situations, but I am not sure that they are capable of split personality disorder.

Chris: Our resident sloth in the studio he does.

Poppy: really?!

Chris: yes, he told me he needs a holiday because he is tried of hanging around and his arms ache. Similarly with polar bears, given a choice they’d like a nice hot climate, but equally are against climate change.

Image result for polar bear

Poppy: Would the polar bear not die? or are you suggesting a summer haircut?

Chris: Have you ever seen one with a haircut?

Poppy: No, but I have seen a shaved corgi,

Chris: Do you think the queen and her corgi gets a hair cut at the same time. Both sat in seats reading the horse and hound.

Image result for corgi

Poppy: Well that is a very good read if I do say so myself.

Chris: Do you think The Queen watches Game of Thrones or for the royal family is that what they call musical chairs?

Poppy: In many ways that would make sense. I would really like it if she did, but I also don’t want her to get any ideas.

Chris: They tried playing monopoly but The Queen got upset as none of the money featured her, ” its not realistic Philip and where is the Royal Mail”

Image result for royal mailImage result for monopoly money

Poppy: In other news, did you know that lots of people sleep with their eyes open?

Chris: No I didn’t know that, are these people spies?

Poppy: or people expecting bad karma.

Chris: Everything comes back to karma, they say all roads leads to Rome but when you come back its Karma. Lots of people must live in Karma as it all comes back to it.

Poppy: Would be weird to wake up next to someone who slept with their eyes open through because they look really strange.

Chris: puts a whole new meaning to I am going into this relationship with my eyes open. If these people sleep with them open do they have to close them to wake up?

Poppy: these are the questions that should be asked. Along with how do you stop your eye balls drying out?

Chris: put them in water once a day. If the queen does receive email is it a Royal Email

Poppy: I suppose it must be surely?

Chris: I think it must be too, lets contact the queen by letter to ask.

Poppy; That’s quite forward to ask for her email off the cuff!

Chris: Well, I wouldn’t do it straight away. I’d get her telegram first to butter her up. Perhaps if there are any 100 year old people who want to be friends with me.

Poppy: that does seem like an excellent strategy. What will your opening line be?

Chris: Dear Maam,

I have this friend call Harold, who has recently turned 100, but he much prefers email as a method of communication, so please could you scan in and email the card, if you are unable to do this please ask William or Harry or maybe George if he is around.

Yours Hopefully,

King Chris of Mundania

Ps. your subjexct line is not another thing you rule over.

Poppy: that truly is excellent, she will have a hard time saying no to that one.

Chris: That should get her attention, and then I will pay Harold the 10 Werther Originals I promised him and be on my way.

Image result for werthers original;s

Poppy: that is a tremendous plan that leaves everyone happy.

Chris: Yes! I have other tremendous schemes to reverse global warming into Donald Trumps wall!

Poppy: Oh my gosh, yes please

Chris: Then I will be a national treasure and well paid and statues with be built of me using tetris blocks, better get them all lined up now fellas. God we really need a holiday, till the next time we meet peace.

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Spiders in rain hats

Hello internet. Its alright you don’t have to shout hello back. We know you are waiting for this blogisode with bated breath, so here it is. 

Chris: Its a bit wet out here. Luckily we are in a dry studio. This blogisode is 100% rainproof, seriously the water slides right off. Was this a better intro than my intro, you decide. Hey Poppy.

Poppy: Hiya!

Chris: Which introduction did you like better?

Poppy: Probably the second, truth be known.

Chris: Well it’s about rain, every english person loves an intro about rain. So what’s been happening? I went to see Despicable Me 3 last night. Much better than the second, though not as good as the first.

Image result for despicable me 3

Poppy: That is quite often the way with sequels I think. Same with Ice Age.

Chris: Yes I know what you mean, Ice Age is slowly falling victim to global warming. So what’s the next film on your list?

Poppy: I would like to see Dunkirk, I heard on the radio that Harry Styles makes an appearance too, which is surprising.

Image result for dunkirk

Chris: Harry Styles really? Has he lost all sense of direction

Poppy: No, I believe he is taking his career in a new one.

Chris: People tell me that the 15th millionth reboot of the spiderman franchise is good as well. So, I am a bit worried that he got so drunk in between the films he actually forgot where he lived.

Image result for spiderman homecoming

Poppy: Perhaps, although I think they have made him a teenager to make him even less relateable.

Chris: Does he not have spidey satnav? Please make a left turn on your spider web  at your earliest convenience. you have reached your destination, oh wait you’ve overshot it by about 500 yards.

Poppy: Are they not like homing pigeons and they just know where home is. I’ve never stopped to ask any spiders

Chris: well now you know they don’t. Please never ask spiders for directions, you will be disappointed. Just because they have 8 legs does not mean they are better than you. They say home is where you lay your hat. I’ve not seen many hats in spiderman films.

Poppy: Maybe this one will?

Chris: what sort of hat do yuo reckon it is. Could it be a top hat. They would look very dapper

Poppy: I think a beanie would suit them.

Chris: Yeah I think a beanie would be quite. But maybe a floppy rimmed rainhat would be better in the weather today.

Poppy; not dissimilar to Paddington Bear or Incy Wincy Spider.

Image result for paddington bear

Chris: Paddington Bear definitely. I think Incy Wincy Spider was too busy climbing up the spout to notice the rain coming. That one determined spider for you.

Poppy: Perhaps it is that determination that inspires Spiderman. If Incy Wincy can climb that spout he can defeat the villian

Chris: I think the Spiderman’s writer could learn something from him, no reboots of incy wincy spider. Incy Wincy spider now in 3D.

Image result for incy wincy spider]

Poppy: now there a film I would definitely watch illegally online and not pay for.

Chris: what? Illegally online, or I would watch on another screen… the cinema screen… wink wink.

Poppy: Oh right I see how it is.

Chris: At Mundanevision we do not condone the use of illegal streaming sites, but if you have to use them don’t get caught,

Poppy: Putlocker keep up the good work. Other illegal streaming websites are available

Chris: Netflix, I fell that I should mention you.

Poppy: atleast for a name drop.

Chris: And of curse NowTV.

Poppy: both of which are completely legal…

Chris: Yeah so we are back on track. So we no longer have to fight the pirates. Hmmm that is a good computer game and film.

Poppy: There is a new one coming out.

Chris: Ah yes Pirates of the Caribbean. How safe would you feel if you got on the ferry and your captain was Jonny Depp?

Poppy: I have probably felt safer…

Chris: Just fed him Rum, that will keep him sober. Bender from Futurama invades everything, as he need to be drunk to be sober.

Poppy: What a fun problem to have.

Chris: Ok friends, I think our blog has docked at the Isles of Silly, in fact we make the trip every week. Please disembark and take your personal computers with you.

 

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The Screaming Goat Paradox

Stop napping, it’s time for a brand new series of Mundanevision. Poppy is back, heyyyyyyy. 

Chris: Hey Poppy, if you could only watch one film for the rest of your life, what would it be?

Poppy: I’d rather not watch any films than be restricted to just one. Only having one film would be too much of a torment. You?

Chris: fair enough, I was hoping we could lead into a nice conversation about Baby Driver, that we both watched yesterday. Which is not what I first thought about a baby driving. How would he reach the peddles?

Image result for baby driver

Poppy: Opps, I ruined that seamless link then. I think it would require twins so that one would control the peddles and the other the gears and stearing and they could communicate using twin-telepathy

Chris: You’re right, teamwork

Poppy: makes dreamwork?

Chris: anyway, enough of baby related stuff. I thought the film was amazing. Really good soundtrack, really well cast, really good script, oh it was so good, I would go and see it again if I could, but unfortunately times are getting later and later.

Poppy: Yes, it was superb. Very refreshing cinema I thought.

Chris: And it worked on so many levels, if you just wanted to enjoy it as a popcorn flick, (not that I have ever flicked popcorn at anyone), but there were hidden depths.

Poppy: This is true and the two co-existing story lines that eventually merged were also very clever.

Chris: Oh yes, I liked the way they used the two story lines, it meant it wasn’t top gear the movie with loads of driving.

Poppy: It provided a good change of pace.

Chris: Everybody reading this blog will not be disappointed if they go and see it. Trust me, you will have a much better time than playing with your fidget spinners.

Image result for fidget spinner

Poppy: I am not sure I even know what those are. They sound like something that spins in a weirdly hypnotic way.

Chris: Nor do I really, I have just seen stands selling them in town. Apparently, they are the latest craze. To me a fidget spinner sounds like a good back up group.

Poppy: Yeah, it sounds jazzy

Chris: Maybe Mike and the fidget spinners should become a thing?

Poppy: I have heard of worse band names…

Chris: I think to stay relevant, we should have a child correspondent on the blog, I asked the sloth to get me one, but all he got me was a goat. Image result for child with microphone

Image result for goat

Poppy: Please tell me its the one that screams in time to Taylor Swift songs.

Chris: No. I played him Taylor Swift and he quite likes it,

Poppy: I can see how a goat would enjoy her early country pop stuff, probably reminds him of home.

Chris: Indeed. I wonder what the employment prospects are like for a screaming goat, in this uncertain economy. Maybe he could foresee disasters, like if someone was going to run off the road he could scream, or if you didn’t wear your seat belt.

Poppy: I would say if there was a strong likelihood of coming off the road a screaming goat in back of your car would only serve to increase those chances.

Chris: Oh yes, the startle reflex is quite bad. Maybe he could be an extra in horror movies.

Poppy: that could work, the villain would be surprised to open the cupboard to find a goat for sure.

Chris: Maybe he could be written into a Big Bang title, the screaming goat paradox.

Image result for big bang theory

Poppy: So versatile.

Chris: Yes, I agree. In hot weather he could become the Ice-creaming goat.

Poppy: I think I’d prefer to hear the usual ringtone.

Chris: that would ensure that the big kids would get more ice cream than the small kids as they would be scared

Poppy: and what about age equality?

Chris: Well how about a car alarm?

Poppy: That is an excellent idea, I will get right on it.

Chris: Ok, guys, time has flown, and the screaming goat has screamed. Till next time we meet, farewell. Peace.

 

 

 

 

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The Queen of Pointless Chocolate Jokes

Guys, before I do a proper introduction to this last blogisode of the series, I feel it’s only right to mention the tragic events of last night in Manchester. As all people are, here at Mundanevision we are deeply saddened by the horrific waste of life and our thoughts go out to the families and friends of those affected.

Hey guys! Now for the second start of the show. Welcome to the last in this current series of Mundanevision. I know, shocking isn’t it! (See what I did there? “Shocking” and “current”!) But let’s not be downhearted, and let’s make this a blogisode to remember. 

Chris: Hey Siri!

Siri: Keeping to our classic opening line, I see!

Chris: Did you like my Manchester introduction? Would you like to add anything before we go on?

Siri: Yes, actually. I just want to say that we hear of so many terrible things happening in the world, and people everywhere suffering, and somehow it still seems separate from our own lives. This, for me, has been a bit of a wake-up, that the sense of security we feel is really all in our heads, and this could happen to anyone, at any time. My younger sister was just 15 minutes’ walk away from Manchester Arena. So thank you, I guess, to people who don’t get thanked enough – the police, security, ambulances and passersby that help in horrifying situations like this. I’m sorry to anyone who has been affected, and everyone else too.

Chris: To be honest, I don’t feel like be funny on a day like this, but if it will take people’s minds of it, I will try.

Siri: So this final blogisode of the series is for those who need cheering up today.

Chris: For any reason, not just the tragic events of last night in Manchester.

Siri: So, hello Chris.

Chris: Hi Siri.

Siri: Manchester aside, how are you today? I understand you had a delicious afternoon tea with a twist?

Chris: Yes! Well, we had a delicious afternoon tea with a twist, at Chococo’s. Thank you Chococo’s, please sponsor us!

Siri: Yes, everyone go to Chococo’s tell them we sent you, and tell them to give us free chocolate afternoon teas forever!

Image result for chococo's exeter

Chris: I feel like a bit of an afternoon tease doing this blogisode!

Siri: Oh, you’re very quick today, Christopher!

Chris: I know, I am quick. So, Prince Phillip has retired!

Siri: And apparently he’s considered a demi God in some south Pacific islands?! Who knew?

Chris: I would like to see him, now he’s got more time on his hands, on some reality TV shows, or home improvement shows.

Siri: Yup, I’m expecting him to appear on Jeremy Kyle any day now!

Chris: Maybe Location, Location Location? Phil and Liz Windsor are looking for a picturesque seaside cottage in Lyme Regis. Can we be as successful in helping them out as we were with Barbie last week?

Siri: They have a lot of money to spend, as long as you don’t mind them spending your money.

Chris: I guess it’s their money because she’s on the money?

Siri: Good point. So actually the TV you’re watching this programme on was bought with their money…

Chris: So everything you’ve ever owned or ever will own is owned by the Queen, so you’re only renting it! Isn’t that a depressing thought?

Image result for new £5 note uk

Siri: I guess if you earn your money abroad, it’s yours? For example, my laptop I consider mine because I bought it with Omani Rials. However, I think maybe there are some buildings or a palm tree or something on Omani money, so maybe I’m even worse, renting this from inanimate objects…?

Chris: So basically life is just one big monopoly game?

Siri: Yes, except I’m not sure you’re meant to be in debt the whole of Monopoly, that’s just how people play! And I think the ultimate win in life is if you are on the money, literally, because then you own it? So you need to be a founding father of the United States (shout out to Hamilton fans) or a monarch, or a famous landmark, to own anything at all! Update, I’ve just checked what Omani money looks like (I couldn’t remember just on my own), and it turns out Sultan Qaboos bin Said owns my laptop! If anyone’s going to own it, I’m glad it’s him.

Image result for omani rials

Chris: Can you imagine the Sultan’s search history? “Land for building old buildings”, “car dealerships” and “the best month for a foreign state visit, when the weather is just right”.

Siri: Don’t forget “why am I named after dried fruit” and “how do I avoid letting Trump visit my country”.

Chris: Are these all pointless questions for the latest series of Pointless.

Siri: I think that when they ask the 100 members of the audience to come up with answers, they’d all be pretty stumped, so any answer is a pointless answer in this scenario!

Chris: Shout out to Alexander Armstrong! He does everything – he should be on some money somewhere!

Image result for alexander armstrong pointless

Siri: I know I maybbeeee mention this too much, but if he’s a reincarnate of another Alexander, Alexander Hamilton, he’s on 10 dollar notes in America. Speaking of America, watching any new TV shows lately, Chris?

Chris: And the dollars are the best notes, folks, they have the greatest notes, you will every see. They are my favourite notes, no notes are as good as their notes. What do the Queen and a classical pianist have in common?

Siri: Ooh, I’m desperate to get this, but I’m not sure I’m going to… Are they both Wolfgang Monarchs?

Chris: No, but that’s better than mine! Mine was that they both love a good note!

Siri: Ahahahaha, good one 😉 Funny as ever, you are!

Chris: So the Queen, the Sultan and Alexander Armstrong walk into a bar.

Siri: One of our exam questions (I can’t believe I’m finally free from exams and now talking about them)-,

Chris: *Rapturous round of applause*

Siri: Thank you, thank you. But one of my exam questions was “a surface dyslexic, a attentional dislexic and a hemi neglect-dislexic walk into an experiment”, and I just thoguht “there’s no way this can be an accident. I’m glad the exam board are trying to make us laugh a bit before are impending death”.

Image result for walk into a bar jokes gold au get out

Chris: Ooh, I know this one! If you put two dyslexics in a room, do they spell a word right? Do they get the letters the right way round?

Siri: I’m sorry, I’m not sure… I can’t decide whether they’d right the wrong word, or make a wrong word wronger… We’ll have to carry out some experiments of our own.

Chris: A dyslexic scrabble night must be amazing!

Siri: YES, so much fun!!!

Chris: They’d never finish a game, because they’d always be arguing over the spelling of a word in the dictionary, saying “that’s not right”.

Siri: Scrabble with a blind person and a mute person would also be interesting. Are you any good at scrabble?

Chris: No, no. I think I’ll leave that up to dyslexic people and the blind!

Siri: Yeah, I’m with you there. We would make a very boring and unsuccessful game of Scrabble, I think.

Chris: But if we could make up words, it would be so much fun!

Siri: Flintophlamonop. That means “I agree”.

Chris: Avon. No, I didn’t mean make-up words! I mean actually make up words!!! Lipstick.

Siri: Maybelliene we could make up make-up words?

Chris: Ritty pretty serum.

Siri: You know more about make-up than I do!

Chris: Wow, the boy knows more about make up than the girl? Is this opposite world? Shout out to Robert Smith!

Siri: Hey, boys can wear make up too! Hashtag feminism, Hashtag I’m John Oliver now.

Chris: Hence my shout out to Robert Smith, because he wore make-up!

Image result for men make up robert smith

Siri: Woo, EQUALITY!

Chris: Dignity! And- something else… and: finality!

Siri: You mean fraternity…

Chris: SHH, the sloth has come up with a bit of paper, what are you doing? Oh, I see, you’re… it looks like curtains! Oh, you’re drawing an end to this blogisode, like curtains.

Siri: I guess that’s all, folks.

Chris: And pictionary! Okay guys, thank you very much for reading/listening/watching/hearing, and all the ings, really, this series.

Siri: Well, not ALL the ings, because that could get into some pretty weird stuff!

Chris: We really hope you enjoyed it, and I’ll be back in a few weeks, with a new series!

Siri: By everyone, it’s been a pleasure humouring you. See you in the not too distant future, I hope.

Chris: In the meantime, guys, there’s a whole season of Mundanevision on this site, please read and enjoy and be shocked at all the horrible stuff going on in the world, even if just for a minute. And if I have done that with my various co-hosts, my work is done. Peace x

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Food Invasion.

Hey guys! Welcome to another spontaneous, unrehearsed, unplanned – all the ‘un’s really – blogisode of mundanevision. We thank you for sticking with us, unless you’ve got some kind of glue on your seat and you can’t move! 

Chris: Hey Siri!

Siri: Good afternoon, lovely Chris.

Chris: It is a good afternoon, because this is the beginning of a new Mundanevision blogisode! *pause for cheering*

Siri: Whaaaat? You’re kidding. That is crazy new information.

Chris: *pause for sighing*

Siri: So, what is new with you today?

Chris: Well… I’m just happy to be alive today, in a world where Trump is president – hang on, that’s wrong. Alternative facts guys! Mundanevision can give the best alternative facts, you’ve ever seen.

Siri: Yup, there’s us just spreading fake news again.

Chris: Speaking of fake news, fake news is like marmite. Either you like it or you hate it.

Siri: I like fake news, but I hate how much people keep going on about fake news.

Chris: hash tag fake news!

Siri: Wow, our tags are actually inside our blogisode now!

Chris: Yes, metaphorically speaking.

Siri: I’ve generally just been pushing any news concerning America out of my mind at the moment. It’s much more fun focussing on the UK general election that is coming up!

Chris: Can you imagine if Corbyn and Trump were in power?

Siri: I just can’t imagine Corbyn being in power at all. He is a terrible leader for a party (despite how much I like the party), and absolutely cannot lead the country.

Chris: Despite this he’s offering amazing stuff.

Siri: … … is he though…? I feel like he somehow has miraculous amounts of money to focus on things that are absolutely not the priority. THAT’S just my personal opinion though, let’s not for god’s sake get into a political debate on Mundanevision, I’m sure we have enough of those anyway.

Chris: Do you think ex party leaders become children’s entertainers, as they are already good at leading parties in the first place?

Siri: I think potentially, although if someone like Blair is a children’s entertainer, I can only imagine he’d be a clown, or someone who’s supposed to terrify the children. I now realise that clowns aren’t actually SUPPOSED to do that, but that is what would make Blair even better at it I think. He doesn’t mean to scare people.

Image result for clown

Chris: Can you imagine clowns invading Iraq to find weapons of mass destruction?

Siri: I think if you want to invade Iraq, clowns are the way to go. We could also solve Trump’s issues with North Korea with an army of clowns, in my opinion!

Chris: Oh, it’s North KOrea – I’ve constantly misheard heard that as north courier, and imagined people on bicycles delivering hot food – the nuclear option.

Image result for motorbike courier

Siri: Wow, so you thought the world was a much better place, if food delivery was the top of all news stories!

Chris: And I thought Kim Jong Il was only ill from food poisoning, and THAT is how he died!

Image result for kim jong il

Siri: Nope, although food is a good way to go, i think. But, once again, the world is not as awesome a place as you thought it was.

Chris: AND I thought that the Trident nuclear sub programme was a new sandwich being offered at subway! A really massive sandwich!

Siri: With secret codes and secret locations across the world?

Chris: Well, they have secret sauce and a secret recipe, so it does make sense. I thought it was all tied in with subway!

Siri: See when I first heard about it, I thought of Trident gum, and thought maybe it was some top secret government plan to enclose the world in a giant balloon of bubble gum!

Chris: It would have to be sugar-free to tackle the obesity crisis.

Siri: Ah yes, that makes sense. Or maybe they introduced the sugar tax so that fewer people would be buying sugar, and thus there would be more sugar for them to make this giant bubble gum bubble. However, I’m not really sure what it’s supposed to protect us from… maybe another meteor?

Image result for giant bubble gum

Chris: Or maybe another brand of gum? Spearmint, must be a sharp gum, it’s got Spear in the name!

Siri: Like Britney is a sharp person?

Chris: Yes, I’m sure she knows a thing or too about shavers. Sorry, Britney, that was a step too far. Ooops, I did it again.

Siri: Yep, see I thought you were going to go down the song-naming route. Don’t worry, I’m sure she’ll forgive you. Or, if not, come down here asking if you want a piece of her. But I really like the idea that aliens are coming with a new kind of gum that will rival trident gum, so that’s why we need to build the bubble gum bubble.

Chris: To be fair though, I thought people had to pay the sugar tax in sugar. Wouldn’t that make your wallet sticky, carrying all that sugar around? And is brown worth more than white sugar?

Siri: Oh brown is absolutely worth more than white, always.

Chris: And then there’s demerara sugar, which to me just sounds like a new boy band member. Look Whitney, it’s Demerara Sugar! Yes I know, he’s so sweet. I assume that demerara sugar is sweet – if not, please don’t tax us!

Siri: Oh, demerara is the greatest. And I think Demerara Sugar is a new member of a band, but I think it’s Maroon 5, and they were so excited about his joining that they named a song (Sugar) after him!

Chris: How did they get the name maroon 5? Did they get marooned together on an island, and there are 5 of them?

Siri: Quite possibly to be honest… Anything is possible when it comes to the music world. People do some crazy things. But I always imagined it would be named after the colour maroon. Maybe they got marooned on a maroon coloured island?

Chris: Anyway, there was a reason I brought up politicians being reemployed as party entertainers. Because I can see how an interview with that girl would go: Sit down, Mrs Smith. I see here you’ve had practice leading a party? What, in the conga, pass the parcel… what? NO, running the country.

Siri: Absolutely. And it would be confusing but brilliant.

Chris: Yes. Alright, all this food invasion talk has made me hungry, so I hope that Big Mac from Scotland invades in the next 5 minutes. Pea(s)ce.

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Moderately Priced Bananas

*Muffled voices* So is the banana part of the recipe, or is it just for garnish…. right… right…

Chris: OH! Hi guys! Welcome to Mundanevision. Sorry, that’s the glimpse of the riveting conversation we have here in the studio in between the blogisodes. Some might say we’re frittering our lives away. Somebody get that old joke out of here, I’m really sorry about that! Hey Siri, put the cream down, we’ve got a blogisode to do!

Image result for banana fritters

Siri: I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’ll try! How are you today Chris? I’m very well.

Chris: I am exceptional, thank you, because… well, for many reasons. For one, we are back in the studio doing a blogisode for the lovely people of the internet!

Siri: Woohooo! And are there any other reasons?

Chris: Oh no, but there are plenty of other raisins. WE DON’T NEED RAISINS NOW.

Siri: It’s difficult to get baked goods off your mind when there are so many delicious ones! Sorry, I’m back on the cream again…

Chris: If you want to blog it, you can buy mine and Siri’s latest cook book. It’s called Cook the World, available in all good cook shops.

Siri: Not anymore.

Chris: What?! We’ve sold out? Well bang goes that idea then. Well, back to the blog.

Siri: Yep, what’s on the agenda for today’s blogisode?

Chris: Well, my thought was that, you know how Mundanevision always offers a public service?

Siri: Sure sure…

Chris: Well, today I thought we could go to the aid of an elderly role model for young children.

Siri: … You?

Chris: Who can matel who that is? I know I roll around a lot, but I’m not a role model! I was talking about Barbie!

Siri: Wait… I’m confused… You’re not Barbie?

Image result for elderly barbie

Chris: I’m not Barbie! I can’t believe you’d ever think I was Barbie. That’s ageist.

Siri: You’re ageist for thinking it’s ageist. Don’t go judging Barbie.

Chris: Well you’re ageist for thinking that I was ageist for thinking you were ageist.

Siri: Well-

Chris: This is going to take AGES. So, back to Barbie, the plastic princess. She recently turned fifty five, and I was thinking that we could help her in a location location location type feature (a housing programme, basically).

Siri: How so?

Chris: We are going to write a totally off the cover advertisement to sell the kids of the world a new Barbie product. Barbie’s beautiful bungalow.

Siri: Ooh, exciting, tell me more tell me more!

Chris: Well, you see, stairs at her age are getting a bit more difficult.

Siri: VERY true. Although I think my fifty five year old parents would not be too pleased to hear you say so!

Chris: Okay, let’s say that she can still manage stairs, but she needs a moderately sized garden because she can’t manage with a big one any more.

Siri: That seems fair. I’m twenty one and I can’t manage with the tiny tiny patch of grass outside my house. It’s more like a very small forest now. If forests were made purely out of weeds. And not the expensive kind of weeds.

Chris: Do you get a lot of rustafarians hanging out in your garden?

Siri: Nope, so I guess that’s one good thing about my garden? Or maybe I’m missing out on a lot of fun, who knows!

Chris: Anyway, so we do this planned advertisement for Barbie’s beautiful bungalow?

Siri: Yaaaas, let’s DO THIS! Go:

Image result for barbie's malibu dream house

Chris: Hey kids! You know you like Barbie, and Barbie’s Malibu dream house. You’re going to love a new product we have to tempt you with today… Barbie’s Beautiful Bungalow! If you loved Barbie’s jet skis and Jacuzzi, you are going to love Barbie’s moderately sized living room with sashed windows, with all her friends such as Cindy and Ken can come over. If you liked Barbie’s activity centre, you’re going to love Barbie’s coffee morning with a coffee and walnut cake which is so real you can almost taste it.

Siri: I’m going to interrupt and say that coffee and walnut cake that you can ALMOST taste is probably the worst possible kind of coffee and walnut cake that has ever existed. Who wants to buy cake they can ALMOST taste when you can have cake you CAN taste?

Chris: But how many of Barbie’s target audience are even allowed coffee and walnut cake?

Siri: An excellent point, I suppose. If Barbie’s target audience is anything like what I was like as a kid, they probably hate both coffee and walnuts, so might prefer cake that you can’t taste at all! Anyway, is there more to the ad?

Bungalow Barb.jpg

Chris: Back to the ad! After Barbie and her friends have enjoyed some delicious coffee and walnut cake, you can make believe that Barbie is showing her friends round upstairs in her en-suite bedroom.

Siri: Again, sorry to interrupt, but since when do bungalows have upstairs bedrooms? Or are we relying on kids having really powerful imaginations?

Chris: Hey, don’t blame me, blame the cow – I didn’t write this thing! But yes, you are right.

Siri: *cough* as always *cough*.

Chris: So, shall we go then?

Siri: Absolutely.

Chris: Once Barbie and friends have enjoyed their delicious coffee and walnut cake (adult supervision required during this play time) Barbie can always show her friends around her en-suite bedroom with her radical TV and blueray player combination set! Or watch Ken mow the lawn. WHICH HE NEVER DOES. Don’t worry, Barbie’s not bitter.

Siri: Do the miniture TV and blueray player work? Or are they password protected just for Barbie and her amigos?

Chris: You can actually play the Blueray and TV combi. Barbie’s favourite film is High School Musical.

Siri: She has excellent taste. Sidenote, the second one is the best.

Chris: And then, when you’re older and watching the High School Musical box set, Barbie will sit at home watching home videos of Ken trying to fix the car (which he never did because they were married) (sorry, I’ve gone off topic a bit), don’t worry kids, Barbie’s not bitter! After enjoying HSM, Barbie and her friends will say goodnight as it’s time for plastic people to say farewell! WASN’T THAT FUN KIDS?

Siri: I know I think so.

Chris: Barbie’s beautiful bungalow, each room sold separately. Stairs optional.

Siri: And the TV blueray combo costs 10 times as much as an actual version. It costs surprisingly much to make a very small one.

Chris: I can foresee kids all over the world are clamouring to beg their parents to buy this new product!

Siri: Once again, Christopher, you have proved yourself a marketing genius.

Chris: So, with that, I think middle aged Barbie will be satisfied. See you next week, where we help out Moana, where we build Moana a soundproof room so she can sing to her heart’s content.

Image result for moana how far i'll go

Siri: Ooh, I need this room too.

Chris: That’s it, folks! The blogisode is over. Back to the bananas! See you soon, peace.

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Scaling Walls and Terraces

Hey internet! *virtual waving* Much like Steps and The Cranberries and Texas, we have reformed. After an extended Easter period away from you guys, it’s good to be back! Hello, Wembley! Ugh, I just ruined it. It’s just Mundanevision. 

Chris: Hey Siri!

Siri: Good afternoon Chris. How has your marvellous Easter been?

Image result for easter 2017

Chris: Oh, it involved lots of chocolate, lots of film watching, and lots of despairing at the current political climate.

Siri: So the same as mine then. And the rest of Britain’s.

Chris: I thought of something to say this blogisode, but I don’t know whether it’s too controversial to be said… the reason we’ve been away for such a long time is that we’ve been scaling Trump’s wall, trying to get back in the country… Controversial? You be the judge.

Siri: Not too controversial I don’t think… Hopefully not for our audience, you wonderful people. He’s only kidding anyway guys, we are from Britain, a wonderful place with absolutely no political issues whatsoever!!! Ish…

Chris: What would the equivalent of Trump’s wall be in Britain? Theresa May’s terrace?

Image result for terrace

Siri: I was thinking far more literally, and I was going to say the English Channel… So I guess we already kind of have a Trump’s wall. Except for boats. And airplanes.

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Chris: I can never find the English channel on tv though – there’s loads of them in English, not just one!

Siri: Oh you pedant you. Very true though, we are just really good at finding LOTS of English channels, and surfing them all! If surfing is the right way of putting it…

Chris: What is your opinion of Theresa May’s snap election?

Siri: I think, judging by the state of Corbyn’s Labour party, that it’s a very smart move because I really don’t see the Tories going out of power. What are your opinions?

Chris: I also think it’s a smart move, but I don’t have any political opinions about it. I just think that it is a smart move calling it a snap election, to get loads of young people to vote, like Snapchat! But unlike the content of Snapchat, the content won’t disappear after 10 seconds!

Siri: No, I guess the snap election will disappear after a day instead. So you have no political opinions on it? Are you going to make the most of your right as an over 18 year old Brit, and vote?

Chris: I am going to vote. When do the phone lines open?

Siri: Phone lines open right after the show. If you liked Jeremy Corbyn’s performance, dial the following number. If you think Theresa May stole the stage, try the following number, and for Tim Farron, THE LIB DEM GUY, PEOPLE, phone all the numbers you can. Lib dems deserve more than they got last election. *cries eternally*

Chris: See you in the next series of BRITAIN’S GOT TORY!

Image result for dermot o'leary phone lines open contestants vote

Siri: The winner will be announced in a month’s time…

Chris: In the mean time, here’s Ant and Dec in a jungle somewhere!

Siri: Yup, enjoy watching people eat bugs. It will be less upsetting than this year’s politics.

Chris: However, we think Russia might have rigged it, and bugged it in their favour.

Siri: Russia, behind almost everything that goes on in the world. I guess they have kind of been eaten by the monster that they’ve created, in that Trump doesn’t seem to be holding back on military strikes to their allies in the Middle East.

Chris: You mean Trumpenstein?

Siri: Yes… or Frankputin’s monster.

Chris: Right, that’s enough political stuff for this blogisode, except to say that Mark Zuckerberg might be running for president!

Siri: What is the world coming to. It’ll be him v Kanye West at this rate.

Chris: At least as an election candidate he’ll be nice – he’ll have to send a friend request before he gets in.

Siri: I guess that’s true. So vote people! Not necessarily for Mark Zuckerberg, but vote for the Conservatives or Labour or the Liberal Democrats or the Green Party, or the Scottish National Party, or whoever you’d like. Just not Marine Le Pen. Come on France, make better decisions.

Chris: This is an extremely political blogisode.

Siri: Yes, we need to turn to celebrity gossip or SOMETHING now.

Chris: For new readers of our show, how would you describe Mundanevision?

Siri: Yes! Tell us what kind of blog you think we are… and we’re not usually so political… kind of… Also, I guess I can tell you about my journey back from the airport yesterday, and then Chris can come up with some puns for you. So I was on the train, and suddenly we stopped and were stationary in the middle of the English countryside for a few minutes.

Chris: Thank you, great reference, by the way, STATIONary. Is this so that the tea and coffee trolley wouldn’t spill its contents?

Siri: Sadly not, although they didn’t spill their contents, don’t worry, and I even got some free water and a biscuit. It was, instead, because a herd of cows had walked on to the track and were refusing to move! We were stuck there, somewhere beyond bath but not in any town, for over 2 hours.

Image result for cows on railway tracks

Chris: Did the cows think they were in first class?

Siri: I think they were probably a bit CHEESED off that they weren’t given first class tickets, maybe that was it?

Chris: Stop yelling train driver, we’re watching a MOOOOOvie!

Siri: Yeah, stop trying to get us to MOOOOOOOve!

Chris: This is UDDERly rivetting.

Siri: Ooh that was a good one, I think I’m out though. Butter luck next time.

Chris: Oooooohhhhh! On the subject of moooovies, I went to see Boss Baby. The new animation from the makers of Shrek.

Siri: And, thoughts?

Chris: It was funny! Alec Baldwin was in the lead role. I didn’t know Trump could act that well.

Siri: Ahahahahaha, I’m kind of hoping that everything he does is an act… We’ll see I guess. How did we drag ourselves back to politics again?

Chris: All roads lead to…

Siri: The utterly black hole of never-ending political depression. A political abyss.

Chris: We can’t leave the blogisode on that note! However, this note: dear mum, daddy says please could you pick up some eggs? Yours sincerely, your son.

However, that one we can. Peace, folks.

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