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Chris: Hey Esther
Esther: Hiya Chris, how are you?
Chris: I’m good thankyou, I thought we would do something a bit different for today’s blogisode. I’ve often thought that the Wizard of Oz should be an Australian Wizard, and as such I can see some problems with the Dorothy’s journey down the yellow brick road. Are you up for trying to resolve these problems with me?
Esther: I’m intrigued… do continue
Chris: So Mundanevision presents the Wizard of Aus version. Once upon a time there lived a girl called Dorothy, who lived with her Aunt Donna and Uncle Frank in New Zealand. One day, a huge hurricane swept Dorothy, her Aunt and Uncle and the house they live in, safely landing it in Australia. All their new neighbours came out to stand and stare: “Cor blimey mate, look at this, Sheila!”. In order to get back to New Zealand, Dorothy was told she must go and see the Wizard of Aus. On that journey, she was joined by a lion, a kangaroo and a scarecrow. She also took with her on her journey, her little dog, Brian, who she took with her wherever she went. They approached the wizard’s castle and the castle doors opened and suddenly the Wizard of Aus appeared. Stereotypically he was wearing a corkhat and cargo shorts. He asked them all who they were and Dorothy introduced herself and her new friends. “Let me just stop you there”, said the Wizard, “I see you have a dog with you. We have very strict quarantine laws in Aus. You can get him back in precisely one week. Unfortunately, until them I’m going have to take your dog until then, alright Sheila?”. “My name’s not Sheila, it’s Dorothy!”, she cried. “I’m sorry to insult you, I call everyone Sheila, it’s just easier. And somebody get that kangaroo out of here. I’m expecting a tinny man.” All of a sudden a man appears holding cans of lager, “ah there you are, thankyou Bruce” the Wizard says, taking a can of lager from him. Bruce bows and carefully backed out of the room. By this time, the kangaroo, not wanting to be caught is bouncing over the castle walls. “All right, what’s her problem?” exclaims the wizard. The kangaroo explains to the wizard that her name is Jane and she was scared by horror films when she was a joey and this is why she gets scared and starts jumping all over the place. The wizard looks confused, “hang on, Joey? I thought your name was Warren?”. The kangaroo explains that she used to be a joey and now she is Jane. “Ah”, the wizard says with a wink, “did you have gender reassignment surgery? There’s no need to look so bashful, all genders are equal in my eyes. Now, what can I do for you guys?”. “I don’t want to keep jumping anymore”, cried Jane. “Wait”, cried the wizard, “you can’t be a wizard if you don’t jump, at least a bit. If I give you see much comedy you’ll start turning into a hyena! However, I can calm you down a bit, that is very excessive jumping. Have you ever tried the high-jump?”, they all look at the wizard and shake their heads. “Oh I’m sorry, try this comedy film, it might distract you”. He hands Jane a copy of Crocodile Dundee. “This sounds scary”, says Jane. “Don’t worry Jane, there’s no actual crocodiles in it, you silly marsupial. It is a comedic story about a New York reporter goes to the outback to research a story on Crocodile Dundee, and they end up falling in love”. Jane is satisfied and hops off smiling. Next, it is the scarecrow’s turn: “what can I do for you?” the wizard asks. “I don’t want birds to sit on me any more!” cries the scarecrow. “That’s no problem”, he tosses him a big net, “drape this over you and those birds won’t be able to sit on you any more. I’ve even cut out eye holes and a mouth in it for you so you can see and breathe out of it, and you’re set for Halloween, too! You’ll have to go as a ghost every year, though. I’m not big on costume ideas.” The scarecrow takes his net and walks away smiling, or more precisely he goes and stands in a corner. Just then, a pigeon lands on his head. “Uh oh” cried the scarecrow. The wizard turns his attention to the lion next. “And what’s your wish?” he asks him. The lion replies saying he is too scared to be a lion any longer, and he wants to change to a different animal, like a domesticated house cat. The lion produces a picture of exactly the cat he wants to be, complete with blue eyes and white fur. “I’d like to look like this, please.” says the lion, who’s name is Harry. “Woah woah woah, calm down Harry. You can be another type of cat, you’re purrfect the way you are!”. The lion shakes his head at this joke, and the wizard tells him, “you can’t rule the jungle if you’re cowardly, you need to man up a bit! Lucky for you, I have this protein powder and unlimited gym membership”. The lion imagines how big and muscly he will get and walks off to start pumping iron at his new gym, hoping it will help him find some courage. While he starts to work out, the Rocky theme tune starts playing in the background. “Could you turn that music down, please? I can’t hear myself think!” the wizard shouts. He turns to Dorothy, “what can I help you with, D? That’s your new nickname D, let’s try it out.” “Well nothing really, I just want to go home, have you got any ruby slippers? Says Dorothy, who has obviously read the original version of the Wizard of Oz. “Don’t be silly, we only wear sandals in Australia”, the wizard tells her, “and anyway, you don’t need any magical footwear, all you need is this.” The wizard hands her plane tickets, one for her, her aunt, uncle and her dog, Brian. “Now the only problem with this is that there is only 25kg weight limit so you might have to pay extra baggage for your dog, he felt a bit podgy when I picked him up earlier. Now away with you, you little scamp! The plane is leaving at 3 o’clock. However, the wizard had not taken into account the new recently imposed time difference between New Zealand and Australia and it was now 4 o’clock. “Never mind”, he said, “there’s always tomorrow!”. Dorothy sighs as she sits down on her wheely luggage and waits for the next plane home.
And that about wraps up our blogisode for this season. I would like to thank everybody who worked on them with me, Esther, the sloth, the afternoon girls (who weren’t actually here this season but you can just imagine them). Thankyou so so much for reading this blogisode every week, we now have over fifty followers. There’s loads of blogisodes to be read between now and September when we’re back with a brand new series. Thankyou so much everybody, peace!