The Australian Wizard of Aus

Welcome to Mundanevision airwaves, please stow your screens in the upright position in preparation for take-off. We will be typing until we arrive at our destination/word limit. We hope you enjoy your flight!

Chris: Hey Esther

Esther: Hiya Chris, how are you?

Chris: I’m good thankyou, I thought we would do something a bit different for today’s blogisode. I’ve often thought that the Wizard of Oz should be an Australian Wizard, and as such I can see some problems with the Dorothy’s journey down the yellow brick road. Are you up for trying to resolve these problems with me?

Esther: I’m intrigued… do continue

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Chris: So Mundanevision presents the Wizard of Aus version. Once upon a time there lived a girl called Dorothy, who lived with her Aunt Donna and Uncle Frank in New Zealand. One day, a huge hurricane swept Dorothy, her Aunt and Uncle and the house they live in, safely landing it in Australia. All their new neighbours came out to stand and stare: “Cor blimey mate, look at this, Sheila!”. In order to get back to New Zealand, Dorothy was told she must go and see the Wizard of Aus. On that journey, she was joined by a lion, a kangaroo and a scarecrow. She also took with her on her journey, her little dog, Brian, who she took with her wherever she went. They approached the wizard’s castle and the castle doors opened and suddenly the Wizard of Aus appeared. Stereotypically he was wearing a corkhat and cargo shorts. He asked them all who they were and Dorothy introduced herself and her new friends. “Let me just stop you there”, said the Wizard, “I see you have a dog with you. We have very strict quarantine laws in Aus. You can get him back in precisely one week. Unfortunately, until them I’m going have to take your dog until then, alright Sheila?”. “My name’s not Sheila, it’s Dorothy!”, she cried.  “I’m sorry to insult you, I call everyone Sheila, it’s just easier. And somebody get that kangaroo out of here. I’m expecting a tinny man.” All of a sudden a man appears holding cans of lager, “ah there you are, thankyou Bruce” the Wizard says, taking a can of lager from him. Bruce bows and carefully backed out of the room. By this time, the kangaroo, not wanting to be caught is bouncing over the castle walls. “All right, what’s her problem?” exclaims the wizard. The kangaroo explains to the wizard that her name is Jane and she was scared by horror films when she was a joey and this is why she gets scared and starts jumping all over the place. The wizard looks confused, “hang on, Joey? I thought your name was Warren?”. The kangaroo explains that she used to be a joey and now she is Jane. “Ah”, the wizard says with a wink, “did you have gender reassignment surgery? There’s no need to look so bashful, all genders are equal in my eyes. Now, what can I do for you guys?”. “I don’t want to keep jumping anymore”, cried Jane. “Wait”, cried the wizard, “you can’t be a wizard if you don’t jump, at least a bit. If I give you see much comedy you’ll start turning into a hyena! However, I can calm you down a bit, that is very excessive jumping. Have you ever tried the high-jump?”, they all look at the wizard and shake their heads. “Oh I’m sorry, try this comedy film, it might distract you”. He hands Jane a copy of Crocodile Dundee. “This sounds scary”, says Jane. “Don’t worry Jane, there’s no actual crocodiles in it, you silly marsupial. It is a comedic story about a New York reporter goes to the outback to research a story on Crocodile Dundee, and they end up falling in love”. Jane is satisfied and hops off smiling. Next, it is the scarecrow’s turn: “what can I do for you?” the wizard asks. “I don’t want birds to sit on me any more!” cries the scarecrow. “That’s no problem”, he tosses him a big net, “drape this over you and those birds won’t be able to sit on you any more. I’ve even cut out eye holes and a mouth in it for you so you can see and breathe out of it, and you’re set for Halloween, too! You’ll have to go as a ghost every year, though. I’m not big on costume ideas.” The scarecrow takes his net and walks away smiling, or more precisely he goes and stands in a corner. Just then, a pigeon lands on his head. “Uh oh” cried the scarecrow. The wizard turns his attention to the lion next. “And what’s your wish?” he asks him. The lion replies saying he is too scared to be a lion any longer, and he wants to change to a different animal, like a domesticated house cat. The lion produces a picture of exactly the cat he wants to be, complete with blue eyes and white fur. “I’d like to look like this, please.” says the lion, who’s name is Harry. “Woah woah woah, calm down Harry. You can be another type of cat, you’re purrfect the way you are!”. The lion shakes his head at this joke, and the wizard tells him, “you can’t rule the jungle if you’re cowardly, you need to man up a bit! Lucky for you, I have this protein powder and unlimited gym membership”. The lion imagines how big and muscly he will get and walks off to start pumping iron at his new gym, hoping it will help him find some courage. While he starts to work out, the Rocky theme tune starts playing in the background. “Could you turn that music down, please? I can’t hear myself think!” the wizard shouts. He turns to Dorothy, “what can I help you with, D? That’s your new nickname D, let’s try it out.” “Well nothing really, I just want to go home, have you got any ruby slippers? Says Dorothy, who has obviously read the original version of the Wizard of Oz. “Don’t be silly, we only wear sandals in Australia”, the wizard tells her, “and anyway, you don’t need any magical footwear, all you need is this.” The wizard hands her plane tickets, one for her, her aunt, uncle and her dog, Brian. “Now the only problem with this is that there is only 25kg weight limit so you might have to pay extra baggage for your dog, he felt a bit podgy when I picked him up earlier. Now away with you, you little scamp! The plane is leaving at 3 o’clock. However, the wizard had not taken into account the new recently imposed time difference between New Zealand and Australia and it was now 4 o’clock. “Never mind”, he said, “there’s always tomorrow!”. Dorothy sighs as she sits down on her wheely luggage and waits for the next plane home.

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The End.

And that about wraps up our blogisode for this season. I would like to thank everybody who worked on them with me, Esther, the sloth, the afternoon girls (who weren’t actually here this season but you can just imagine them). Thankyou so so much for reading this blogisode every week, we now have over fifty followers. There’s loads of blogisodes to be read between now and September when we’re back with a brand new series. Thankyou so much everybody, peace! 

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Monster Love Tips and the Unamused Audience

Hello friends of the blogisode – old and new! A lot of people ask me “Chris, how do you come up with such sparkling and witty intros to these blogisodes week after week?”, well I have a picture of Queen Victoria in the studio, and if I can amuse her then I’m doing pretty well. She is never amused, so I have to think that someone else will be. 

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Chris: Hey Esther

Esther: Hiya Chris, how’s your day going?

Chris: I’m fine thankyou, it is hard trying to make Queen Victoria smile, though. I’ve tried it with Mona Lisa but she’s always smiling anyway, so I began to distrust her views on comedy.

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Esther: Ah, yes, Mona is too easily pleased it seems. Although Queen Victoria is a pretty tough crowd… maybe you should find some middle ground. Perhaps The Girl With the Pearl Earring?

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Chris: I could find some middle ground or I could create a hybrid, like some mad scientist, and call it Mona Victoria.

Esther: Oooh that’s dangerous though. Haven’t you learnt from Shelley’s Frankenstein that you shouldn’t create people?

Chris: I don’t want to play God, that honour is always left for Morgan Freeman. Has Hollywood taught you nothing?

Esther: Ah yes, this is true. I wouldn’t mind seeing a Frankenstein film adaptation with a Morgan Freeman narrative actually, now I think about it. All I’m saying is if you’re not careful you might end up with weird green monster Queen/painting creping around your house and haunting you.

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Chris: Forget about Morgan Freeman, I’d love to see David Attenborough narrating Frankenstein, that would be great. “And here in the lab, we see the beginnings of life”.

Esther: Ooh that’s a good idea. It’d be like a natural documentary, you may be making a very philosophical comment on the novel but I think it might be a good one. Plus I think Attenborough could pretty much pull off anything, including making everyone love Frankenstein’s monster by following him around for ages until he does something the British public finds adorable.

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Chris: You mean like win Britain’s Got Talent? Or rescue the other half of Ant and Dec from rehab? Or even officiate over Harry and Meghan’s wedding ceremony?

Esther: Now that really would get me to watch the royal wedding. Just imagine the reporters, shouting “Who are you wearing?”, and then Frankenstein’s monster just rolls out super swish in his little vicar’s collar, loving life. He’d be a some kind of diva monster who the press adore.

Chris: A bit like Nigel Farage then. He’s always in the papers. Or if you prefer someone less controversial, might I suggest Taylor Swift.

Esther: I don’t know how much you’ve seen about Kendall Jenner lately, but she got video’d on the red carpet at the Met Gala this week “pushing” a body guard out the way. It was a huge scandal apparently, although the footage literally shows her putting her hand on his back so they didn’t bump into each other. Anyway, I can 100% picture our Frankensteinian monster being the next diva who’s so huge that at next year’s Met Gala, he pushes Kendall out of his way. Drama!

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Chris: And would our Frankenstein have a facebook page? Raving it up at next year’s Coachella. Joining the cast for the third Mamma Mia film, perhaps as the mysterious uncle of the kid who has a penchant for lightning.

Esther: Love it. He’d definitely be one of those celebrities whose face is literally everywhere within a few months. All the movies, TV adverts, billboard ads, huge on twitter and a huge diva at all the award ceremonies. Move over Kanye, it’s time you met your match.

Chris: I thought Kanye would say “I’m just as a big and cool as that monster”.

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Esther: That sounds about right, maybe they could befriend each other and be the next big duo?

Chris: I can see it now, the Frankenstein’s first facebook and twitter posts would be: ‘Frankenstein: Loving life’.

Esther: Can you imagine them in music together? Maybe Kanye could teach him how to rap and they could have rap battles or something. Imagine the twitter madness.

Chris: We don’t want our monster to meet Kanye. He’d probably say something like, ‘being a monster’s a choice’. Sorry, I just had a horrible flashback to last week’s blogisode there.

Esther: Ah you should get reading all the scholarly arguments about Frankenstein, you joke but there’s lots of questions about whether Frankenstein’s monster is born a monster or chooses to become one. We all joke, but maybe Kanye is secretly a philosophical genius?

Chris: Yes, maybe he is. Maybe he is. But I don’t feel this is the right forum to answer such a deep question. So, instead, I’ve just thought of the first book our monster could write. It would be a book to help people find love, called ‘Frankenstein: Monster on the Dating Scene’.

Esther: Love it, all I’m picturing is a monster-esque Gok Wan who gives everyone dating tips, helps pick out outfits so they look amazing for their date and hides in the restaurant to listen in on the people’s dates. I can just hear it now “Oh you look FABULOUS, darling!”

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Chris: I would thinking it could have chapters, which could be titled things like ‘You are a beautiful, perfect human! Don’t worry about other people’s preconceptions, you are monster-riffic’ or ‘Unleash the Love Beast in You’! It would be a number one best seller within a week.

I’m off to resurrect Frankenstein, and he’s going to write the best love advice book the world has ever seen! Oops, we’ve upset the Girl with the Pearl Earring, she’s off. See you next week, peace. 

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Kanye’s Cheese Dilemma

Hello, welcome to Saturday! If you’re not motivated enough to go to the gym because it’s so sunny outside, mundanevision has the perfect workout for you. For today’s workout, we will be working on the index finger, the eyes, and the laughter muscles. What do you mean, ‘it’s not funny’? We’re committed now so I suppose we better see this through.

Chris: Hey Esther!

Esther: Hiya Chris, how are you?

Chris: I am good, except, can you move the sun a bit further away for me? It’s a bit hot.

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Esther: Lovely confirmation of your british nationality, there Chris, nice one. I’ll remind you of that next week when we’re all complaining about the cold and the rain.

Chris: No no, the cold and the rain is the perfect weather for barbeques. We love to co-inside the barbeque with miserable weather. It’s just what we do – expect the unexpected.

Esther: Nothing tastes better than a slightly undercooked and wet barbequed hot dog in a disintegrating, sodden hot dog roll. My kind of cuisine, that is. Although if you want the sun to cool off a bit, I’d imagine lots of brits getting out their barbeques for a big summery evening tonight will keep the sun away.

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Chris: That is the free option – although if you have a bit of money to spend, and a good pair of wellies, I recommend going to a music festival. Or even thinking about it, that’ll guarantee the rain.

Esther: Ah the beauty of unpredictable British summers. I know we all complain about it but I genuinely think this country would be at a complete loss if they didn’t have something to complain about – I mean, what would small talk consist of?

Chris: As British people, we are so taken aback when the sun comes out, its like we think that a heatwave is somewhere between medium and long wave on the fm dial, or on digital radio.

Esther: Nothing beats British spring time. We’re all so desperate for some sunshine and so fed up of the cold and the rain that even an hour of warmish, 15 degree weather and suddenly the streets are filled with sun-cream smothered, ice-cream licking, sunglass and hat wearing Brits who are trying their best to turn from a pasty white to a golden brown. It’s that kind of optimism that we need in today’s world.

Chris: Yes, optimism to combat the news. The biggest bit of news this week was probably Kanye West’s comments about slavery being a choice. The man is unhinged and just completely wrong. I do feel sorry for him though – can you imagine if maybe he meant to say that savoury was a choice, but he has a speech impediment. The man just loves lasagne.

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Esther: He’s completely bonkers and totally power-crazy. If only that was the truth, it would result in far more pleasant and frankly hilarious news reports – imagine turning on your TV to watch the news and they’re showing an interview with Kanye where he’s just drooling over the thought of vegetable spring rolls. If only he was that innocent.

Chris: Can you imagine how fun Kanye’s arguments are with his wife, Kim Kardashian about really mundane, everyday things like doing the washing up. She’d say things like, “Kanye, please would you do the washing up?” he’d say “washing up is a choice” and then he totally wouldn’t do it. It’s almost like the man is totally unaware that we have a choice in life – multiple choice questions must blow his mind.

Esther: I can’t imagine either of them have done much washing up in their lives anyway. I’d love to see Kanye in an exam environment – some of his answers would be equally ridiculous as they are hilarious.

Chris: I would love to see him heckling at a One Direction concert – he’d stand up in the middle of ‘That’s What Makes You Beautiful’ and say ‘you have a choice, you don’t have to go in one direction, you can choose to go in any direction you please!’. Even better would be, Kanye on orienteering. He’d be like, ‘what? what is this? North, east, south and west? I think I just invented a compass, yay more choices!’

Esther: Somehow I’m struggling with the mental image of Kanye in a hard hat and climbing harness. Although that would certainly make headlines.

Chris: All I can think of is Kanye in the supermarket. And Kim Kardashian is shopping, and Kanye is just standing at the cheese isle. When she goes up to him to hurry him along, he’s like ‘Don’t rush me, I’m still choosing!’.

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Esther: Imagine, just wondering into your local sainsbury’s to find Kim and Kanye at the cheese counter arguing over stilton. Although, it would probably have to be an exclusively celebrity supermarket for that ever to actually happen.

Chris: Speaking of celebrity supermarkets, does anybody know what happened to Kerry Katona? I haven’t seen her after her Iceland tv ad period. Has she actually gone to iceland?

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Esther: I haven’t a clue, maybe she’s at the same celebrity supermarket as Kanye and Kim. Just picture it, you could have all the big celebrities in there, having their day to day arguments with each other. Now that is one supermarket that I wouldn’t mind working in.

Chris: That is a great idea for a reality TV show. Reality supermarket stars on ice? No, that wouldn’t work, so here’s another: “tonight on the channel four’s documentary, Undiscovered Secrets of the Modern World, we dig up and thaw out a figure recently discovered and only known as the Ice Woman. Now, after years of painstaking research, scientists have discovered that her name is Kerry. She wandered into the wrong kind of Iceland, and she brought with her a wide selection of party food for just one pound. She knows nothing of Brexit.

If you know the whereabouts of Kerry Katona, please keep it to yourself. Come to think of it, where is Atomic Kitten – is that not the cat that runs along the roof top in the intro to Coronation Street? Questions for another time. See you next week, peace.

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What Would Harry Do?

Hey virtual people! Welcome to the best blog according to Mundanevision, we call ourselves totally spiffing. 

Chris: Hey Esther, how are you?

Esther: Hiya Chris, I’m very good thanks – enjoying the sunshine! You?

Chris: I’m good thankyou, I too am enjoying the sunshine, and I’m enjoying the fact that Kanye West has come out in support of Trump by saying “both he and Donald Trump run on dragon blood”. Why dragon blood? Is it an alternative energy source? If so – Donald Trump is doing more than we think for the environment.

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Esther: I can’t imagine the animal rights activists will be very impressed if they discover Trump and Kanye are living off the blood of dragons. Maybe it’s the next new fad diet – no water or solid food, pure dragon blood only for three weeks.

Chris: Hang on – dragon blood… didn’t voldemort live off dragon’s blood in Harry Potter? Is there going to be a new Harry Potter film starring K and D – yes that’s what we’ll be calling Kanye and Donald from now on. K could play Harry and maybe D would make a brilliant Hermione Granger – he’s got the golden locks for it.

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Esther: Exactly – maybe Kanye’s headline hitting twitter feed is just a way to secretly announce the new Harry Potter film. I also love that Kanye and Donald might become the next biggest celebrity couple. Move aside Kimye, it’s time for the rise of Krump!

Chris: I think we are ahead of the movie news for once on this blog. 2020 Harry Potter and the Immigration Crisis. Harry comes out of retirement to magically sneak immigrants across Trump’s border wall.

Esther: Genius. Maybe the follow up could see Harry Potter tackling the Brexit discussions… we may be less well off out of the EU, but it’s cool I’ve got a spell to grow money trees! Don’t worry David Davis, I got you.

Chris: From the people wrote the hard-hitting political documentaries, Panorama, comes a new fifteen-part, hard hitting undercover reporting series: What would Harry do? Each week, audiences will be tuning in to find out what Harry will actually do with some of the toughest issues facing Britain today.

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Esther: I’d love to see Harry Potter deal with the ever-aging population issue – Harry meets a group of 98 year olds who live in a care home, none of them recognise him and start whacking him with their handbags, walking sticks and scrabble letters. Now that is proper English entertainment.

Chris: However, the first episode will see Harry tackle the biggest dilemma ever to face Britain…. with hard-hitting interviews from both parties involved, Harry will finally get to the bottom of what really did come first: the chicken or the egg?

Esther: Maybe that would be more entertaining – the British people are fed up with hearing the miserable news of today: Brexit, Trump, Immigration issues, gender pay gaps and issues with racism, so maybe instead we should just send Harry round the country trying to answer completely irrelevant questions: “How do you make the perfect cup of tea?” or “Which is better: dogs or cats?”

Chris: The ending of his show would just be Harry waving his wand to find an answer. Would Hermione maybe be involved in this show – maybe she could sit in social media corner, reading out tweets and emails from the audience, as well as letters delivered by the Hogwarts owls themselves.

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Esther: Maybe Ron could be the comedy reporter – just picture in the Bridget Jones’ film where Bridget is reporting and they make her jump out of a plane and she lands in a pig pen absolutely covered in mud. This could be Ron: maybe in the first episode about the chicken and the eggs – he has to go and interview a coop full of hens and get their opinions, whilst getting pecked and flown at by them. My kind of amusement.

Chris: Oooh sorry we can’t do that, Hermione’s got dibbs on that with her weekly segment, Hilarious Hermione, where she delivers hilarious stand-up routines while wearing a chicken outfit, in the first episode at least.

Esther: Well obviously her outfit would have to be themed according to the big question of each show. However, I sense a snag with this whole idea… I fear this might be too out there and wacky for the BBC, so I’m thinking we set our aims for Channel 4 – the last thing we want is for it to be on ITV 2 followed by Celebrity Juice or something.. Harry Potter deserves better than that.

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Chris: Oh thankyou for mentioning Celebrity Juice. As everyone knows, every time anyone mentions Celebrity Juice online or through any medium, their ratings and readership increases by 10. The only thing better than mentioning Celebrity Juice online is mentioning Keith Lemon – everybody loves Keith Lemon. If Top Gear featured Keith Lemon it would have been the best show to hit the airways in history. He’s such a big vat of comedy squeezed into such a tiny man. I say squeeze because his surname is Lemon (I know puns).

Esther: He’s like a concentrated lemon syrup… all the lemon goodness you’ll ever need in one small product. Maybe we should get him in on this Harry Potter documentary series? Although he’d probably end up creeping on Hermione in social media corner and create some kind of feminist social media outcry… which to be fair might be a good PR move for the show.

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Chris: Celebrity juice is so powerful that if you even watch one episode, every immature thought you’ve ever had becomes the legal property of Keith Lemon. So I guess, this blogisode is now owned by Keith Lemon. Look, Keith, you don’t want this, step away please. Anybody can say potato in that funny voice… oh wait, I can’t do it. You are the master, I’m so sorry for underestimating your abilities.

So Keith Lemon, if you’re listening, I will be in contact with you about this new Harry Potter hard-hitting documentary series: ‘What Would Harry Do?’. Please don’t bring Fearne along, she does enough. Thank you so much for reading, watching or in fact watching Celebrity Juice, peace.

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Rhythmic Films

This summer the most eagerly awaited franchise returns. A real eyes meet blog love story. This is Mundanevision. 

Chris: Hello virtual world. For one blogisode only Poppy is back, hi.

Poppy: Hello!

Chris: How are you?

Poppy: Good thank you, trying not to get sun burnt. How are you?

Chris: I’m really well, thank you. I can’t believe this lovely weather we are having. But more than that I can not believe how quickly people have got their summer outfits out after 2 days of sun. Are they wearing their summer clothes under their winter clothes like some low budget superhero?

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Poppy: It would add extra warmth in the winter I suppose, I can see it.

Chris: Absolutely, what do they change in now, nobody uses phone boxes anymore. Superman has lost his primary changing area. No superhero can change in the confines of an AA emergency phone on the motorway.

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Poppy: why do they need privacy if they are already covered underneath their normal clothes? This is what confuses me.

Chris: Might I suggest the are body shy?

Poppy: Well with that amount of lycra I can not say I am surprised.

Chris:  They could bring back embarrassing bodies for a special superhero edition.

Poppy: That was a brilliant show. Otherwise you could do a naked attraction special and you have to guess which superhero it is.

Chris: That is genius, and to make more money, The Flash could reboot  how clean is your house.

Poppy: Crime isn’t getting any less, do you suppose they’d have time?

Chris: Well they are not fighting crime anymore, they are too busy starring in their own dedicated films.

Poppy: Do I sense some jealousy there?

Chris: Yes, nobody has madea film about my life. Seriously they could make a film about anything and the marvel fans would go and watch it. They are currently staring in a BT broadband advert, called Marvel infinity war.

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Poppy: haha that’s actually quite a good idea.

Chris: why thank you. there’s also some russian FA cup football stickers, I am really confused, I thought it was the whole of Russia, I am holding out for the Putin one.

Poppy: Too bad he isn’t a football player then.

Chris: Isn’t he? I thought he played nuclear football.

Poppy: I really hope not. What sports do you think the political leaders of today would play?

Chris: Obviously Putin would do ice skating. He looks like he’d be good at that.

Poppy: Jeremy Corbyn looks like the kid that got picked last.

Chris: Can I suggest Donald Trump would be a coach, he would declare his team scored the most goals even if they lost.

Poppy: I bet Teresa May plays Chess

Chris: Kim Jung Un would do rhythmic gymnastics.

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Poppy: I don’t know if I really want to watch that or really don’t want to. I can’t decide.

Chris: If I ever run out of ribbon I will make friends with a rhythmic gymnast with loads.

Poppy: Interesting, I would go to the shop and buy more, but that’s just me.

Chris: At least it would be friends if I was friends with a rhythmic gymnast. All we need is someone who does stuff with wrapping paper and we are sorted for every occasion.

Poppy: The best gift giver ever.

Chris: I don’t know, Oleg might get upset if he can’t find his ribbon for his big gymnastic routine. I know you are going for gold Oleg but look what I did with this ribbon, it looks just like a dog. I am an origami genius.

Poppy: Man of many talents clearly.

Chris: Yes, and I know how to record outros as well. Ok guys, I am off to make friends with rhythmic gymnasts I have got birthdays coming up. Thank you for doing what you do with this blog. See you next time. Peace.

 

 

 

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Royalty in the Wild

Hello people of the Internet! We are bloggers and this is Mundanevision – the only words that count. 

Chris: Hey Esther!

Esther: Hiya Chris, how are you doing?

Chris: I’m good thankyou, but I’m rather confused.

Esther: Whys that?

Chris: There is a show that is going to be aired on Monday, called Green Planet, narrated by David Attenborough, featuring the rarest of British animals, the Queen. I’m quite excited, I’ve only ever seen her on a banknote, I wonder what she looks like in real life…

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Esther: Yep can’t wait. You do know she’s a feature of Christmas TV every year, right? She’s not so much in the public eye nowadays, those damn grandchildren in law, Megan Markle and Catherine Middleton have overshadowed her!

Chris: But off the back of nature series such as Big Cat Diaries and At Home with the Penguins (I admit I’m not sure that’s the correct title), it will be good to see a national treasurer like Attenborough live with the Queen for a year, and see what incredible footage they find on their motion capture and infrared cameras.

Esther: I’d so love to find the Queen, sneaking out of her bedroom at night to the kitchen, opening the fridge and sneaking a midnight snack of chocolate cake. Or maybe coming in from a day of press with Phillip, exhausted and downing glass after glass of wine. It’d would be nice to know she’s still human.

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Chris: I’m told that there is a very touching scene in this documentary where the Queen is finally reunited with William after a week apart and William offers her a live swan as a coming home gift.

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Esther: I can just imagine the response… “William, you really are a cheapskate. You can’t give me a gift of something that is already mine? That’s like handing the priest his bible as a present”

Chris: “but Grandma it’s not fair, you own everything in the UK! And they keep singing that song about you, I am trying my best”

Esther: Honestly I’d do anything to find out that she’s a really sassy old lady. Like she’s at a royal wedding muttering “oh wow hasn’t she gotten fat” or moaning about the quality of the canapes.

Chris: Thinking about this, I’m a bit annoyed that Chris Packham didn’t get the gig and call the programme Windsor Watch, and keep going live to the hidden cameras in the grounds of Buckingham palace.

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Esther: Something about this reminds me of Downton Abbey. With all those hidden cameras, maybe Attenborough would discover a love affair between the servants. It would go from a documentary of the life of the monarchy to a reality tv show.

Chris: Yes, quite right. I really hope that at the end of the show, like they do on Blue Planet, they have a bit about the making of the documentary you’ve just watched. “It was a gruelling five year task, for the makers of Green Planet, to capture the elusive monarchy in their natural habitat. They discovered that the royal family are nothing like how they are depicted on stamps and bank notes.”

Esther: Maybe it could be the British equivalent on Keeping Up With The Kardashians – Rocking up with the Royals? “And next week – exclusive argument between Phillip and Elizabeth – stay tuned!”

Chris: David Attenborough better watch out, he’s a national treasurer so he’s at risk of the Queen locking him up in the Tower of London!

Esther: Maybe they could make it like I’m a Celebrity and get them to do tasks to earn food. Image Prince Charles eating some form of frog genitalia – talk about high viewing figures.

Chris: They will have to show the people how to use sustainable farming and also the frog genetalia idea.

Esther: I like it, it combines entertaining reality tv with hard-hitting global issues.

Chris: Why aren’t we more rich and famous by now? I wonder as well – Prince William and Harry must have been nightmares at school, because when they were choosing subjects at GCSEs, they were like “we own all these, they’re ours” and maths must have been a hoot… they never got above one. “say two?” “one” “no, two!”

Image result for william and harry children

Esther: Oh deary me, now that is bottom of the barrel royal family comedy. But, I can’t lie to you, still funny.

Chris: Yes, but hopefully they’ll be the power of laughter. So, I think for the last bit of the blog, to help David out, we should write animal equivalents of the royal family. So… Prince Phillip is now a shy and retiring weasel, because you never know what he’s up to. Prince Charles would be some sort of big-eared bat, I suppose, because he is flittering around from one charity to another. William is like a dog, always searching for people and rescuing them, Harry is a mouse because you never know where he is.

Esther: Lovely analogies, I’d like to add that Princess Margaret is like a sloth, never expected to do a lot but still there.

For everyone who loves royalty and animals, this blogisode is for you! Sir David, you better do a good job, as you always do, Chris Packham will be watching! See you next week, peace.

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Team Super-Disney

Not part of any franchise, based on fictional events, not based on any book, we are always original. This is mundanevision. 

Chris: Hey Esther!

Esther: Hi Chris, how’s life?

Chris: life is pretty good thanks, I’m glad it’s Saturday and we’re back doing our latest blogisode for all the wonderful people of the internet.

Esther: Yes, good to be back, no doubt we’ll end up discussing something very weird and fantastical.

Chris: Of course. We’re like a fantasy-adventure blog, not owned by Marvel or Disney. I just learned this week that Disney have taken over Marvel, I should have realised because the trailer of their latest blockbuster, ‘A Wrinkle In Time’ is about some kid having to defend the forces of good against the forces of evil. So now they’ve got superheroes – good job Disney!

Esther: Maybe Marvel will start doing princess fairytale movies – Marvel’s take on Cinderella or Snow White anyone?

Chris: I think the exact opposite will happen. I think all the Disney characters will get superhero altar egos now. Like Mickey Mouse will become the ‘Cheese-Eater’ and Minnie Mouse will get a job as a reporter and be totally oblivious to Mickey’s altar ego, just because Mickey changes his outfit slightly and deepens his voice.

Image result for mickey mouse

Esther: Well that would certainly change how they run Disneyland, instead of employees dressing up as Mickey Mouse, a cute and friendly mouse which little kids want to cuddle, he’ll become a giant, terrifying monster who devours cheese – in my opinion, far less appealing for little kids. Disneyland will become a land of thrillers and horror rather than of cartoons.

Chris: but he will be a good guy protecting the cheese from the likes of Miss Frozen, Princess Elsa to you and me.

Esther: Well if Elsa’s anything like me, she’ll be a sucker for cheese. Maybe at easter at Disneyland instead of easter egg hunts, Elsa can organise a cheese hunt and everyone has to run around the park trying to find all the pieces of brie, cheddar, stilton and camembert whilst Mickey mouse tries to stop you.

Image result for elsa frozen

Chris: Sounds good. Now every Disney character will have superhero catchphrases like ‘never take the mickey out of mice’.

Esther: Seriously, this altar ego is genuinely quite scary – now he’s threatening and everything.

Chris: And then they’d be other catchphrases, Buzz Lightyear’s new catchphrase would be ‘if you need me just give me a buzz’.

Image result for buzz lightyear

Esther: Definitely. Buzz’s new altar ego doesn’t sound quite as threatening as Mickey’s – thankfully. Maybe Mickey is the only disney character to turn sour and who turns on the rest of disney and becomes their enemy.

Chris: I was thinking that could be Elsa, because she can freeze everything. There’s a scene where she freezes the empire state building, that’s really quite dramatic.

Esther: Maybe this is where Mickey’s ability to defend cheese comes into play. Conspiracy theory alert – what if elsa is only a lovely princess when she has continual access to cheese? Maybe when she starts to crave cheese she becomes this supervillain who freezes everything – but it’s Mickey’s job to ensure she doesnt eat all of the cheese.

Chris: this sounds like a very cheesy plot line to me, but I’m not sure our numerous readers and followers can quite visualise what I can, so it’s time for one of our totally rehearsed and yet somehow unrehearsed superhero stories, with Disney characters! Are you up for this?

Esther: Absolutely.

So readers of mundanevision, we present to you… Mickey Mouse and the defender of the cheese and protector against the frozen lolly sticks of doom! (It’s a work in progress). If we take a character each, Esther, you can be Elsa and I’ll be Mickey. Once upon a time, Mickey Mouse is reclining in his Walt Disney-style castle made of cheese when the phone rings. Mickey answers. “Boss, is that you?” Within minutes, Mickey has donned his yellow cheese uniform and has departed at a run to see the head of the Marvel universe, and all franchises, commissioner Marvellous, who tells him that the world is in danger because Elsa has broken out of her maximum security freezer and is being deprived of soft cheese, so is now freezing everything in sight. “Oh macaroni!” says Mickey, in a high-pitched voice, but the voice is actually disguised so it is low-pitched. He rushes over to Elsa, to confront her. He rings the babybel and the door opens. Elsa says “come in, come in, Mickey. You must be freezing, although it’s colder in here, mwahaha!” Mickey replies, “how quit quoting your franchise to me, Elsa. You know that I’m here to save the cheese and to put you back where you belong, in the freezer. “No, Mickey, I’m never going back there! You don’t understand the things I’ve seen, it was fake cheese.” “Don’t give me that sob story, Elsa, now hand over that Laughing Cow, right now!”. Elsa replies: “You’ve arrived just in time, Mickey, the Laughing Cow no longer laughs but just moos occasionally. Maybe you can tickle her or something. Make her laugh please, I need the cheese, any cheese.” Mickey says, “no Elsa, I fell for this once before, and Donald Duck, poor, poor Donald, he ended up frozen solid. They say he will never laugh again! And it was all my fault. It’s time to end this.” Mickey pulls out his radiator of truth and starts heating everything up. “Nooooo, not the empire state building, it’s my greatest work! Do you have any idea how many icecubes that took?!” Elsa shouts. Mickey replies: “Somebody’s going into deep freeze today, but it won’t be the empire state building.” Just then, Elsa pulls out a lolly pop and deflects Mickey’s heat beam. There is a fight scene between the two characters (which had to be dramatically edited for the welfare of the kids). Just then, the door to the freezer flies open and extraordinary reporter Minnie Mouse descends on the scene. “Minnie!” shouts Mickey, “you’re a superhero too? I didn’t think you knew that I was a superhero – it feels so good to be myself again”. Just then, Minnie pulls out her microwave and melts Elsa so much that she pulls her back into the freezer. Yay! All the Disney characters suddenly appear to celebrate. “It is so good to be ourselves, and not have to hide who we are. We should form a team. Team super-Disney!”

The End.

Moral of the story is that everyone should be themselves, no matter what secrets they hide.

Oh it felt so good to get that off my chest. I expect to see that in cinemas next week. From this independent blogisode, it’s time to fly! Peace. 

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Do Bloggers dream of electrifying Easter?

Hey guys, we’ve been away for a week but now we’re back! Everybody rejoice. Let’s write a blogisode…

Chris: Hey Esther!

Esther: Hiya Chris, Happy Easter!

Chris: Happy Easter Esther, wow I haven’t even seen any creme eggs advertised on the TV this year. They must be as shocked as the rest of us that its Easter time already. Can you shock a creme egg? I don’t know.

Image result for creme egg

Esther: Someone probably could shock a creme egg but I can’t imagine it tastes very nice after that. The creme inside would be all fizzy and weird.

Chris: If there’s any kids reading this, do not attempt to attach electrodes to a creme egg. For one thing, I’m sure that’s against egg rights, and for another thing, it would definitely make it taste weird.

Esther: I mean odds are if a kid gets their hands on a creme egg this Easter, the last thing they’ll consider is observing the effects of running an electronic signal through it. Realistically they’ll have eaten the entire thing before that idea even springs to mind!

Chris: No they will pace themselves this year I think, because they get so much chocolate! It might be quite fun, electrifying a creme egg, it might become all tingly on your tongue and active some hidden taste receptors which makes it taste really good. This idea could be picked by major companies and we’ll be malteaser millionaires!

Esther: Wow that’s an entrepreneurial idea if ever I’ve heard one! Like popping candy for Easter – genius.

Chris: And chocolate is halfway there anyway, it’s already electrified with names like ‘Fuse’. I wonder if you could replace an actual fuse with a chocolate bar.

Image result for fuse chocolate

Esther: I don’t think I can see that catching on. Like any kind of warmish weather and all the fuses in the world become useless!

Chris: What if the chocolate terrorists decide to take over Iceland? It would stay nice and cold there.

Esther: I can definitely imagine one of them getting distracted from his mission – “Hey, you were supposed to SET the fuse, not EAT it!!”

Chris: Also, if you want your car to go faster but aren’t looking for an environmentally friendly answer, may I suggest sticking a Boost bar in your engine.

Image result for boost bar

Esther: I think Cadbury’s might condone that too. Imagine the endorsements… I’m already picturing a Top Gear challenge where they each have £500 to buy a rubbish car and then they have to pick different kinds of chocolate bars to make them the faster. Boost bar would definitely be one of them.

Chris: If any of these ideas take off, we could rake in the Bounty. You can definitely tell this is an Easter blogisode because we’re just naming chocolate bars. Has the bar been set so slow after all these blogisodes?

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Esther: I feel like its a good thing, who doesnt love chocolate after all? You know what I’ve always wondered about chocolate? How come so many of them are named after things in space? You’ve got Galaxy, Milky Way, Mars?

Chris: You are talking about chocolate astronomy here. I’m not qualified to continue this discussion, I believe in flying saucers, flying around the galaxy and the milkyway.

Esther: Ah yes you’ve just broadened this discussion to space-themed sweet goods – I still want to know why the marketing for space? I wonder if soon they’ll have to modernise it by bringing out a chocolate bar or packet of sweets called ‘Satellite’ or ‘International Space Station’…. although admittedly they don’t sound as cool.

Chris: Anyway I want to steer this conversation away from sweets – I’ve got new shoes on, check out my strawberry laces! I thought they were good alternatives because my normal shoe laces kept breaking, and now when I get hungry I can nibble on them.

Image result for strawberry laces

Esther: They definitely won’t work as shoe laces if you eat them though!! Its the same premise as a strawberry pencil, I don’t see myself getting much work done with one of them… I’d end up getting bored of trying to write with it and just eat it instead.

Chris: Is there such thing as a strawberry pencil? At least using one of them you’ll be able to erase stuff easily – you would literally have to eat your words.

Esther: True. I reckon a pencil-case full of pens, pencils, rulers, rubbers etc all made from sweets would have made school far more interesting. Although the poor teachers would have struggled to teach a classroom full of hyper students full of sugar.

Chris: Now you’re sounding like a 21st century Hansel and Gretel witch, where you’ve moved the child abduction out of the home and into the classroom.

Esther: …well that took a rather dark turn! Not what I intended, I just think if I was giving the opportunity to eat my stationary on a daily basis, school would have been much less of a drag.

Chris: True. Now onto a topic that utilises sweets: the cinema. Disney are releasing ‘Wrinkle in Time’. They taught children about snow with Frozen, about other cultures with Moana and now about time travel with the new film. It’s like Disney has become everyone’s surrogate parents and in the future if a child needs an answer to something, it won’t be ‘I’ll Google It’, it’ll be ‘This Disney film will give me the answer’.

Image result for wrinkle in time

Esther: Ah the power of Disney. To be fair, Disney Pixar taught me to second guess the lives of my toys… if Woody and Buzz could follow me around, chase after me in cars and generally live a secret life, there’s no reason why my teddy bears and Barbie couldn’t either.

Image result for toy story

Chris: Absolutely. Did anyone ever show toy story to a teddy bear or a barbie? I wonder what they would think of it? Probably that this is all wrong, we don’t get up to stuff like this at all.

Esther: They’re just disapproving, like ‘Ugh this is SUCH a stereotype. We can’t all ride real life dogs and save wheezy penguins you know. How unrealistic’

Chris: That’s exactly what my toys said. I thought my toys were talking to me, or maybe it was all that sugar I’ve eaten today…

Time has flown away from us once again and it is time to say goodbye. Have a very happy Easter and if you must electrify an easter egg, at least wear some safety goggles. Peace. 

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Fan dedicated blogisode

Hey guys, it’s Sunday and we’re back for a bonus blogisode. It is snowing outside and everything has closed and stopped running – apart from us! There will be no replacement blog service for this show. Let’s go…

Chris: Hey Esther

Esther: Hiya Chris

Chris: How are you doing? There’s all this snow around today.

Esther: I’ll be honest I’m kinda over the snow already. Like it’s March now…. spring where you at???

Chris: I know, snow is so hipster it breaks all the rules. Well I have some good news, can I get a drumroll please? *drumroll* we now have 50 people following this blog! So I guess we have a posse now

Esther: Yay! I know we’re like an actual cult now. I reckon we should make mundanevision t-shirts for our followers…

Chris: That’s a great idea. Sloth, will you look into that, please? The sloth may be slow but he is meticulous.

Esther: He’s like the tortoise in the hare and the tortoise… he’ll win in the end. We believe in you Sloth!

Image result for the hare and the tortoise

Chris: I would have said the exact same thing but a lot slower. So, global warming is real as we have snow in march, and I’ve thought of a great way of getting Donald Trump to finally believe in global warming. Just tell him that’s how the mexicans are getting in.

Esther: He’d probably do something stupid like deport all snow or imprison any weather forecasters who predict snow. I like the idea of people sledging through border patrol so fast they can’t be stopped.. really lightens the tone of immigration.

Chris: That is a great tag line for a film. They came in the snow, under the guise of vengeful weather.

Esther: Immigration in films could be made a lighter topic by people having snowball fights with border police. Like some combination of an super serious action film and that snowball fight scene in Elf.

Chris: I would go and see Black Panther if they had snowball fights in it. ‘Get this white substance out of our film, black’s only!’.

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Esther: Anyway, I’d love to see an animation film made from snow. Kinda like a cross between Wallace and Gromit and the Snowman. Maybe Nick Park could get planning? He’d just need a freezer to keep it all in, and at least there’s no way a freezer can catch fire!

Image result for nick parks

Chris: Absolutely, I like this film already. I have a feeling it won’t win any Oscars though, it would be too white! That whole Oscar white wash scandal all over again.

Esther: Yeah maybe we should avoid it in that case. although, snowmen don’t really have races, when you make one, you don’t think of it as black or white. Maybe this is a progressive step forward in a culture of acceptance where issues around race no longer divide people?

Chris: You see, we’re not only entertaining, we’re now breaking new ground in race relations. Why can’t everyone just get along, blogs included?

Esther: I’m with you on that one. Sloth, take a break from researching mundanevision t-shirts and get onto Nick Park, we have an idea to pitch him.

Chris: Oh wait, blogs don’t see race because the background to WordPress is white, and the writing is black.

Esther: In fairness, it is pretty standard to have a white page with black writing… although maybe we could switch it up and lead the way in improved race relations by using a different colour font and background on this blogisode?

Chris: We’ve solved everything and the world is in harmony because of us, and all the blogs even like each other. WordPress is going to crash just from people reading this blogisode and for incorporating our ideas into their own blogs. If only we could somehow break this stigma around gender discrimination, e.g. transgender people, then this blog would be the perfect present to give our fifty followers. Oh wait, white is a neutral colour and it is white outside, so the whole day is gender neutral! How lucky that we decided to write this bonus blogisode on a day when it would snow? And therefore make the world see no colour or race.

Esther: Well on behalf of everyone here at Mundanevision, myself, Chris, sloth and the gang, we’d like to thank all of our loyal followers for reading our blogisodes and we hope you enjoy the snow (or tolerate it, if you’re anything like me!).

Well, how do you follow that? I can’t believe we’re up to 50 followers, I am quite overwhelmed that this idea I had over three years ago now has been read and enjoyed by so many people that write so many different blogs. If that’s not blogging-inclusion I don’t know what is. Peace 

 

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The world’s leading Star Signs

Hey people that like reading blogs, this is another blog you might be interested in. This one has never been read to lab rats or read to hyenas in confined spaces… what we’re trying to say is that it’s not been tested on animals, so we are totally cruelty-free. Enjoy this week’s chat…

Chris: Hey Esther!

Esther: Hiya Chris, hows life?

Chris: It’s good apart from the fact that it is snowing outside again, and everything is grinding to a halt. I think that would be the one good use of Donald Trump, he could give weather reports and totally deny that any bad weather even existed. Fake weather folks, all fake weather.

Esther: That’s probably a better use for him than what he does currently. Although maybe not a very reliable source of weather forecast… maybe you just believe the total opposite of what Trump says the weather will be like. So if Trump says there’s no snow, it means we’ll be making snowman by the dozen tomorrow.

Chris: Maybe we could use him as a magic eight ball as well, cause they were very disappointing in the 80s, so Trump would be the perfect 21st magic eight ball.

Image result for magic eight ball

Esther: Maybe they should use a magic eight ball instead of Trump for important national and international presidency decisions… might be less entertaining and slightly more optimistic politics.

Chris: Maybe that should be the new system of voting, just shake a magic eight ball, and then whoever’s name comes up becomes the prime minister or president. Could be a bit dodgy though, you don’t want to ask it who the next president should be and get the answer ‘Ant and Dec’.. might be dangerous. However I’m sure they’d make a new prime time TV show out of it, ‘I’m a President, Get Me Out Of Here!’ or ‘ant and Dec’s Saturday Night Policy Takeaway’.

Image result for ant and dec

Esther: I can actually picture Ant and Dec, presenting from the Jungle, where their country is the jungle and so they make people eat bugs and sit in a coffins of rats to win food. Although this sounds super dark and a bit like a Hunger Games film so maybe it wouldn’t be such a good idea to have Ant and Dec as the new world leaders afterall.

Chris: Yes, well what do we know, we are just a blog. On the subject of terrible 21st century presidents, maybe we should kick it up a notch and use Amazon’s Echo as the new president. She might actually be a good advocate for peace, “Alexa, should we bomb Syria?” “I’m sorry, I don’t understand, playing Chris Rea on Amazon Music”.

Image result for amazon alexa

Esther: If we did use Alexa, I think she’d need one hell of an update. For one thing, her voice recognition software is going to need to dramatically improve if she’s going to meet with foreign diplomats and actually understand what they mean. Although I do like the idea of a limited edition, perhaps psychological expansion pack version of Alexa. “Alexa, why does everyone hate me?”, “Well, tell me all about your parents”…

Chris: “Alexa, phone Vladimir Putin.”, “I’ve added pudding to your shopping list.”

Esther: That sounds like a sensible decision. Maybe it’s all a rouse and she secretly does understand but reverts to a sensible option. So instead of Putin you get Pudding, instead of Trump, she’ll buy you a flump, just to distract you until the marshmallowy goodness makes you forget all about your Trump plans.

Image result for flump

Chris: Right, from world leaders to the stars. I think we should talk about the re-arrangement of all the horoscope star signs. I would like to think that they would have done this to make it more accessible to a youth audience. So, rather than Taurus and Pisces, you get Twitter and Selfies.

Esther: I feel like if they do that your horoscope has to be Twitter or Selfie themed. So they can be like, as Venus turns to retrograde, your selfie-game will be very strong, make the most of this wonderful opportunity to be totally flaming.

Chris: Absolutely. If you’re born under Twitter, you’ll have a total of 280 characters and talk in hashtags only, and people can favourite your best conversation topics.

Esther: I hear they’ve added a 13th star sign as well, called Ophiuchus. It feels like they’ve just added an extra category of person into our lives and no one even noticed? NASA are sneaky nowadays.

Chris: They are turning astrology into a game show. ‘Right there are thirteen categories on the board, you’ve opted to answer questions on Ophiuchus. Is this A. a new star sign. B. a form of Abacus C. Somewhere you go to work D. Or Donald Trump’s next made up word?’

Esther: I’d like to say it would be Trump’s next made up word but somehow it sounds a little complex for Trump to pronounce, spell or understand. It sounds like a Latin name for an animal like the Ophiuchus Tarantula found in the depths of the Amazon rainforest.

Image result for tarantula

Chris: For those of you who just read Amazon, we would like the assure you that it is not affect the Amazon website, there are no tarantulas found on the online shopping giant, Amazon.

So we’ve ran out of time (again), I’m off to try and order an online exterminator for my online spider problem. We’ve also got an infestation of mice. See you next time guys, peace. 

 

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