well that never happen

Hey guys

Chris here

As we all know yesterday I tried posting without the my co-host Siri I have decided to remove the aforementioned post and come back with a bang next week I know that this is depriving some of you of your laughter work out for the week for which I can only apologise on reflection I do not feel right about posting a blog without  my co-host on the blog with me we will be back soon in the meantime there lots of old episodes some of which you may not have read some some of which you may have read and want to read again and some you may want to read out loud for the amusement of family and friends if you are doing the last of these thank you we may have new fans by next week hopefully peace

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Unexpected Item in Blogging Area

Hey guys! Guess who’s back? If you guessed ‘Mundanevision’, you win a prize! Look who it is, it’s SIRI! 

Chris: Hello!

Siri: Hello, am I the prize?

Chris: No no, I want to keep you doing this blogisode every week so they can’t win you. Maybe a Siri action figure.

Siri: I’d like that. I guessed Mundanevision, so I should win an action figure of myself too.

Chris: Oh my god, you win you! How meta is this?

Siri: So true. And is there a better prize?

Image result for action figure girl

Chris: Well you could win an action figure of me, so it’s debatable whether that’s better than an action figure of you.

Siri: Yeah, I think we should run more competitions so people are able to win both of us.

Chris: Absolutely. If you want a little Siri and Chris in your house, please make it yourself on a 3D printer.

Siri: Yes, and make extras and send them to us as a thank you for the show. See how we’ve turned an award for you guys into a present for ourselves which you have to make?

Chris: Yes, it’s like Blue Peter. Blue Peter can make anything, right, he’s blue!

Siri: It reminds me of a TV show where a guitarists holds up a clipboard and sheet of paper and says ‘if you want to receive emails about my upcoming shows, then please give me money so I can buy a computer’.

Chris: And that guitarist was Eric Clapton.

Siri: Yup, that’s how he made his fortune.

Chris: Anyway, I have exciting news…

Siri: OOOH, tell us more…

Chris: We may or may not have a fictitious sponsor for the show.

Siri: All exciting news involves fictitious parties. Who is this sponsor?

Chris: So it’s a night club in London called Geometry.

Siri: I feel a pun coming on…

Chris: And all they say about themselves is, and I’m quoting here, “if you want to throw some shapes on the dance floor, please throw some geometry!”

Siri: Hilarious one, who was the genius who came up with that? Was it you Chris?

Image result for geometry

Chris: Don’t bang off Geometry, it’s really hard to get into!

Siri: I’ll agree with that! I hope we get some more thrilling sponsors next week. Maybe they can fund our action figures.

Chris: What would the action for your action figure be?

Siri: Can it be sleep?

Chris: Yes, the are far too many awake action figures in the world. We need to address the balance and have some sleeping ones.

Image result for sleeping cartoon

Siri: Yeah, the real diversity problem with action figures involves their levels of consciousness. I’m bringing representation!

Chris: I mean, Superman, Wonderwoman, Batman are all awake, so I think we need a sleeping one.

Siri: That’ll be me. What will your action be, Chris?

Chris: My action will be… hmm… can my action be something as mundane as spreading happiness? I don’t know whether any action figure does that? Or bringer of hot chocolate?

Siri: In my opinion you are already doing that action extremely well in Mundanevision form, so I would suggest adding another action and expanding your skillset. So hot chocolate bringing could work.

Chris: Right, you know me well, pick an action for me.

Siri: Ooh, I should’ve given this some more thought. I’d say super cool hair styling skills?

Chris: Wow, yes.

Siri: Because then you’re still able to bring all the happiness you already bring, but also affect every hair on their heads.

Chris: If I carried hot chocolate though, and was fighting a super villain, all I’d have to do is spill a bit of the hot chocolate and the villain would go flying. Like in a cartoon, where they spin out of control and make a whirring sound as they crash against the floor.

Siri: I love it, hot chocolate carrying it is then. What a great action.

Chris: We could always defeat Donald Trump that way. Oh man, these satyres again!

Siri: He especially would be weakened by spilling hot chocolate, as cocoa beans come from Latin America and we know how he feels about Mexico…

Image result for cocoa beans

Chris: Yes. If anyone was worried about last week, we’re fine. I just spent the whole of last week climbing up from the depths of hell. It turns out the crew had just gone to subway for some sandwiches, so they hadn’t disappeared into an alternate reality.

Siri: Chris… I thought you said we didn’t have a crew… so who are these people…

Chris: Oh my god! What, you mean they don’t work here?! No wonder they’re in Tesco uniforms!

Siri: I hope they at least brought us food. Preferably Marks and Spencer’s florentines though!

Chris: Yeah, they have got food. Get back to your product scanning in Tescos, you fiends!

Siri: Yeah, SCRAM.

Image result for vampire cartoon

Chris:  There’s an unexpected item in the bagging area.

Siri: Hopefully it’s not a ghost of a vampire this time.

Chris: Look at them scatter! Someone is coming to help you!

Siri: I would like to thank everyone that helps me out at the self service check out machines though, they can take a while to figure out. And I like to give credit where credit is due.

Chris: Oh, my bank manager likes to do that!

Siri:  Hahaha, of course he does. Not quite in as nice a way though I bet.

Chris: If you need people to help you with the self checkouts, are they really self checkouts?

Siri: Nah, they probably should be called self checkouts at first until something goes wrong inexplicably and you need to wait for the flashing lights and automated voices for a while as someone who works there comes and helps you so then it becomes an assisted check out check out. Right? Catchy!

Chris: Bit of a long winded title, so lets just call them self check outs. Have you ever tried to check yourself out, people look at you strangely.

Siri: The person who looks at me strangest is the girl in my reflection though.

Chris: Although I think when you’re huddled in the bagging area trying to fit yourself in the bag, that invokes some strange looks from other customers.

Siri: Oh, is that not socially acceptable? Whoops. Better stop trying to fit myself in tescos bags then. I guess it was a waste of 5p every time.

Chris: I think it is, but other people are strange.

Siri: You’re so right.

Chris: Thank you very much for reading, and watching. Not really watching, but you looked at the screen, so that counts! Until next week, someone is gonna help you. Peace.

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Pumpkin Paraphernalia

One day Chris and Siri walked into the Mundanevision studios to record a blogisode to find the lights were not working and something’s scrawled on the wall which they had not previously seen. It said that in a time of great darkness, one blogisode will rise to push back the undead and bring light back to the blogisphere… That blog, dear reader, is the one you are reading right now. Welcome to the Mundanevision Halloween Special!!!!!!

Chris: Hey Siri. Glad we got the lights fixed!

Siri; I am too Chris, it was pretty spooky when they were all off and we first walked in. I am fully expecting some kind of explosion and vampires crawling through the walls or something. My guard is up this halloween.

Chris: Yes, well I guess you could say that every day is Halloween in the world we live in, with Trump and Brexit and such. It’s a scary place to be. Political satire for you there!

Siri: Yes, in a way, Halloween is one of the least scary nights of the year, because at least we’re expecting spooky things to happen, and can forget about politics and deaths for one night!

Chris: Did someone put political sa-tyres on my chair? Can someone move it please because otherwise I’ll be talking like this all blogisode!

Siri: I think there were people hiding in my dressing room. Ready to jump out at me when I go back in there.

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Chris: Oh no, there’s nothing there, it’s just dancing pink unicorns!

Siri: Oh, not scary at all! Unless they’re dancing pink unicorns with a twist, like maybe they’ve just been put in a blender?

Chris: Why does everybody expect the spirits who come back to be malevolent on Halloween? Why can’t it be dancing pink unicorns?

Siri: It’s a good point, and one that the writers of Coco probably thought of. Have you seen that movie?

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Chris: No, I’ve not seen Coco, but as regulars know, on this show, we do like hot chocolate – so perhaps I should!

Siri: Well hot chocolate does cure all stress and ills. So hot chocolate while watching Coco, while dressed up as hot chocolate for Halloween, that would be the most relaxing thing ever. But Coco is a really nice Disney movie set in Latin America, where every year all the spirits of dead ancestors return, and they’re not malevolent at all, they’re mostly very lovely people!

Chris: Wait, it’s set in Latin America? Trump won’t like it! Oh no, I’m doing it again!!! I thought I told you to take those wheels off!

Siri: Come on crew, get on it! Wait… Chris… Where’s the crew…

Chris: I don’t know, they were here a minute ago…

Siri: As my father would say: spooky wooky wooky!

Chris: Or maybe they are here… do you think all that cocoa we’re drinking has hallucinogenic properties?

Siri: Almost certainly, but most of my existence relies on hallucinations. And actually, maybe all of life is one big hallucination…. …

Chris: Oh my god, that’s very Matrix.

Siri: I wouldn’t know, I haven’t seen the Matrix yet!

Chris: Do you think if you say Morpheus’s name three times he will appear?

Siri: I don’t know, but I don’t think we should risk saying Morpheus a third time… Speaking of movies, guess what we’re watching this Halloween?

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Chris: It’s not the best horror franchise on planet earth is it.

Siri: How did you know? Oh wait, because we spent the last half an hour before this blogisode downloading every movie in the franchise!

Chris: We’ve got to be careful not to say it’s name, because so many people just think it’s blood and gore, it’s insane.

Siri: Yes, well the people that think it’s just blood and gore and nothing more clearly never Saw it…

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Chris: Even my dad just focuses on the blood.

Siri: Which numbers of movies has he seen?

Chris: The second one. Because he bought it for me on DVD, but I feel like if he Saw the rest he would think they’re violent as well.

Siri: I actually think the second one is one of the least gorey. Having said that, remember the pit of needles? And the woman with her hands inside knife boxes? Such fun!

Chris: You see, the stories are so clever and psychological and brilliant that I don’t tend to remember any of the bloody bits, or even care that it’s bloody.

Siri: That sounds really nice. I remember the whole plot, because all of it is brilliant. I think I might watch a horror movie, or a thriller with my sister tomorrow too. Do you have any recommendations?

Chris: Yes. A Quiet Place is amazing.

Siri: Ah yes, Emily Blunt ❤ How could it not be fantastic?

Image result for a quiet place emily

Chris:  You see, I think Emily Blunt is very underrated as an actress. I didn’t like Girl on a Train, but I liked her in Girl on a Train, if that makes any sense at all.

Siri; It seems like just yesterday to me that we were talking about Girl on a Train on Mundanevision, the blogisode after we went to watch it at the cinema. How time flies, like a train on rails.

Chris: I can’t wait to see the next one – Girl on Replacement Bus Service.

Siri: Basically Siri’s life in film form.

Chris: Oh wait, did I already make that joke years ago? It’s scary the way my mind works! Good thing it’s Halloween!

Siri: I think either our readers’ memories are not that great, or they think you are making a reference to yourself intentionally. In both cases, you are the lord of the blogisphere.

Chris: This message scrawled on the wall, the one we saw when we came in, that we thought was written in blood, is in fact strawberry jam.

Siri: Just like in Harry Potter, where they thought it was written in blood but it was actually ketchup! I think I even prefer strawberry jam to ketchup.

Chris: I must commend the props department. Well done, prop people! Wait… Siri… Where’s the prop department…

Siri: Okay Chris, this is getting creepy now… What did you do with the props department? Do you think… do you think we’re in danger too…

Chris: I don’t think we ever had a props department, did we?

Siri: I can’t remember Chris, they’ve been wiped from my memory…

Chris: Please, if there’s anyone out there, help us! Did we have a props department? Are we even typing this blogisode? Or is it just a lot of side effects.

Siri: Chris, I’m scared.

Chris: What is going ooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn….????


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That’s Blogbiz.

Hey humans. You know, it takes one to write a blog, two to write a blogisode! Welcome to Mundanevision!

Chris: Hey Siri!

Siri: Good afternoon, Chris!

Chris: How the devil are you? Disclaimer: I do not think Siri is the devil.

Siri: I’m very pleased to hear it, I was a bit worried for a second. But I’m good. Quite warm, but that’s because it’s sunny today, not because I’m in hell with the other devils.

Chris: And now you’ve put down the pitchfork, you look lovely and can type a lot better.

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Siri: True. How are you, Chris?

Chris: I am good thank you. It is a lovely day outside, I hope our many many loyal followers are having a lovely day as well.

Siri: When you say followers so close to devil, it makes it sound like Mundanevision is some sort of satanic cult.

Chris: It’s almost Halloween, so it could be!

Siri: Do you have any plans to scare people this Halloween?

Chris: No, just with my jokes. I’m expecting reactions like “that was shockingly bad” or “that was scarily good”. Something along those lines. Remember last week when we talked about chocolate milk, which we are drinking again, a little peak behind the curtain of showbiz – or blogbiz, I guess!

Siri: Blogbiz. I like it. But next Mundanevision, next blogisode we’ll have to move on to another drink, as the Mundanevision studio has run out of Cadbury’s powder – through no fault of ours.

Chris: No. Ahh, Cadbury’s, the only grounded chocolate brand there is.

Siri: Cadbury’s, the only reason to visit the Midlands. I’m just joking, all you Midlands inhabitants, there are definitely other things worth seeing in Birmingham besides Cadbury’s chocolate factory!

Chris: List them…

Siri: Ummmmmmmmmmm…

Chris: ANYWAY. Good list. Anyway, remember when I was talking about the diseases and chocolate milk could cure, like Black Death or the Plague.

Siri: I certainly do, one of the best medical discoveries Mundanevision has had. What about it?

Cadbury's Hot Chocolate (1kg) - DiscountCoffee

Chris: I’m not sure people believed me when I said it cured Black Death and the Plague, but I say to you: have you suffered from those diseases in recent times? No? I rest my case. Thank you, Cadbury’s, thank you.

Siri: I wonder if Lindt or Nesquik chocolate milk would have the same curing effect?

Chris: Oh absolutely, Lindt are master chocolatiers!

Siri: No arguments from me there! Lindt is delicious. I’m so excited for advent calendar season!

Chris: At least the adverts tell me they’re master chocolatiers, I’m so susceptible to adverts that I’ve even taken out a policy with Direct Line in the hope that I get to see Harvey Keitel and it better work.

Siri: I’m sure there are easier ways of seeing him.

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Chris: Not since the restraining order.

Siri: Ah, perhaps my recommendations are not the way to go. I was going to suggest that if you want to meet him, you should go down the hostage/kidnapping route. But perhaps you should instead pay someone else to kidnap him, someone without a restraining order, so it’s legal?

Chris: I thought about having myself kidnapped, but then Liam Neeson might show up to rescue me – I don’t want him, I want Harvey! Go away Liam, get out of the way.

Siri: Yes, definitely the only negative to being kidnapped is meeting Liam Neeson.

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Chris: This is the only reason why I’m not kidnapping myself on a regular basis – I don’t want to meet the wrong celebrity.

Siri: Completely understandable. Have you ever tried accidentally slipping your mobile into their handbag or pocket? I hear that’s a great way of meeting celebrities, because then they call one of the numbers in your phone to figure out how to get your mobile back to you, and you get to meet up with them to retrieve it!

Chris: Wow, you’ve actually thought a lot about this.

Siri: I’m pretty sure it doesn’t work as well nowadays, with all these phone locks and everything. However, if you take it from another angle, a lot of phones have a tracking device so you’d know where the celebrity was for as long as your phone was in their possession for!

Chris: Are you a spy?

Siri: I would definitely tell you if I were… … …

Chris: I think I’ll stick with the Direct Line policy and the burst water pipe.

Siri: Understandable. A safer route, that’s less likely to get you arrested. Also you get to keep your mobile! Chris, you are a genius.

Chris: And giving your mobile to a spy so they will meet you sounds like a weird dating agency.

Siri: I think it might go down quite well, maybe I should start it?

Chris: I think we should do an advertisement for it right now, on Mundanevision! Do you want to meet a spy? Is meeting 007 just really inconvenient with your busy lifestyle? Then we have the solution for you! Give Your Mobile To A Spy at spymobile.com – you can meet Jason Bourne in seconds. He might not remember you but it will sure be memorable!

Siri: I love it, we’ll have thousands of clients/customers in minutes, and true love will be found by the end of the day!

Chris: Oh we must talk about the best thing that happened to us this week!

Siri: Oh yes, we definitely must, and we have just one hundred words to do it in, but I think it deserves a few more. Go on, Chris…

Chris: I don’t want to waste words, because then there’ll be fewer words.

Siri: Oh no, now we’re wasting more?! Tell them Chris!

Chris: We saw the film Bad Times at the El Royale.

Siri: And what did you think?

Chris: Well, contrary to the title, I had an AMAZING time at this hotel –  it was INCREDIBLE.

Image result for bad times at the el royale poster

Siri: I wholeheartedly agree. What a phenomenal film!

Chris: AND it was an original film – it wasn’t based on true events, a book, prequel, sequel, TV series or anything else!! It came out of someone’s brain. How can someone write like that?! It was magical.

Siri: It was by far the best film I’ve seen in a long time, and I’m telling everyone about it, and you all must go and see it.

Chris: Yes, everyone, if you like this blog at all, or just find it amusing or weird, GO SEE THIS FILM. Everything about it is good, the music, the storytelling, the acting, the writing, the camera work, EVERYTHING! If I was in charge of the Oscars, there’d only be one category this year, and that film would win.

Siri: I agree. It was just amazing.

Chris: It was like a mint – really refreshing.

Siri: And twist after twist after twist – so much that I didn’t see coming!

Chris: And we have our own twist – is this the end of the blogisode, or is it just the beginning? Peace.

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A Blogisode Is Born

Hey guys. Welcome back to us! Welcome to a brand new blogisode of Mundanevision, the comedy equivalent of one of those nodding heads you get in your car. Is it hilarious, or mildly humorous?  It’s Thursday, let’s go!

Chris: Hey Siri!

Siri: Chriiiiiiiiiiiiiis! What’s going on today?

Chris: You couldn’t see me, but when I said hello to you before, I did jazz hands. Yes Bradley Cooper, you should’ve cast me!

Siri: Well as Mundanevision’s designated typist, I cannot do jazz hands, so I hope that you don’t stop doing jazz hands throughout the blogisode, to make up for it.

Chris: I was thinking, should it be blogisode or blogcast?

Siri: Blogisode.

Chris: Blogisode. The blogisodes have it!

Siri: Hear hear! So, you didn’t say what’s going on with you today?

Chris: Well… in my real life I’ve just been for a flu jab.

Siri: Yay! Health!

Chris: Yeah, I feel better already.

Siri: And I didn’t have a flu jab, but I’ve got some chocolate milk, which I think has much better healing properties and is just as likely to keep illness away.

Chris: So the illnesses that chocolate milk can cure include: chicken pox, the black death, measles, flue, it can kill 99% of all bacteria. A bit like Flash or Domestos, but it tastes better.

Siri: You’re so right, there’s little that tastes as good as chocolate milk. An apple a day may keep the doctor away but chocolate just tastes so much better.

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Chris: Ladies and gentlemen of the blogisphere, I think we just heard a song lyric from the new Mary Poppins!

Siri: Oh yes, I worked right along side Pulitzer Prize winner Lin Manuel Miranda in coming up with the songs for the new movie.

Chris: They didn’t want to reprise a spoonful of sugar, because that would encourage obesity, depending on how much medicine you took.

Siri: Well, fortunately, if you drink enough chocolate milks, you won’t need any medicine so won’t need any spoonfuls of sugar. There you go folks, the way to avoid illness and obesity from sugar is to drink thousands of chocolate milks.

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Chris: Brilliant, thank you Doctor Siri! And vegans will have to drink something else – they can just have soy chocolate milk.

Siri: Now that just doesn’t sound nearly as good. You have soy sauce with rice, not with chocolate and milk!

Chris: I learnt something alarming yesterday.

Siri: Oh yes…

Chris: Everybody is at their computer now reading this now crying ‘why was it alarming Chris?’. It’s because it was written on my alarm clock. No, I’m kidding.

Siri: Hilarious.

Chris: Anyway, you know how everybody loves Hollywood for their remakes upon remakes upon remakes of films? They just feel the need to put some Hollywood magic into everything? Well, I thought Bradley Cooper was a genius because he co-wrote a new film called A Star Is Born with Lady Gaga in it (sidenote, what kind of name is Lady Gaga? a name she gave herself as a baby?). Then I found out the film is a remake of a remake of a remake of a remake of a remake.

Siri: It’s what?

Chris: Yes, so perhaps Bradley Cooper isn’t that talented after all.

Siri: No way! That’s a lot of remakes. However, I feel like most stories that are told and films that are shown are based on something which is based on something, and everyone gets influences from somewhere. For example, a lot of Shakespeare’s work was based on current events at the time, and on other playwrights, and on Greek myths and Biblical stories and things. So Shakespeare and Bradley Cooper have more in common than you think.

Chris: Maybe they collaborated on the new A Star is Born. Bradley only co-wrote it – who’s the other co-writer?

Siri: We’ve solved it! It was Shakespeare! Problem solved!

Chris: I agree that everything has been done before, even these blogisodes have been done before. They’re based on ideas which come from my brain and then are put into a commonly used blog format for all you people to enjoy.

Siri: See, it certainly has it’s perks. Think of how much happiness all these Hollywood things bring people. Just like these blogisodes. We are basically the same as Hollywood screenwriters, and therefore, you and I are basically Shakespeare as well.

Chris: Siri Chrissywood.

Siri: Yup, that’s us! Two stars, one collective mind.

Chris: Because I found out there’d been a remake of a remake of a remake of a remake of a remake of a remake of A Star is Born, I’d like to pitch a truly original A Star is Born idea.

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Siri: What is it?

Chris: It’s set in a hospital ward where Bradley Cooper is giving birth to Lady Gaga, hence the star is actually born. Wait – can Bradley Cooper give birth? He can do anything, surely he can give birth.

Siri: If Morty’s dad can give birth in some universes, then Bradley Cooper can definitely give birth too.

Chris: Or maybe it’s Lady Gaga giving birth to Bradley Cooper? Well done Lady Gaga, it’s your future alcoholic husband! That would make for a really awkward first date.

Siri: I like the idea of Lady Gaga being the baby though, because you’re right, it does somewhat explain the name.

Chris: If Bradley Cooper gave birth to Lady Gaga, that would make for a really awkward first date.

Siri: I don’t think many people would argue with you there. Maybe someone like Kanye West would come on stage to tell you how wrong you are and support Donald Trump, as usual, but I think it’s safe to say our audience would think that a hospital ward is a pretty awkward first date, particularly with that kind of age gap. Plus Bradley Cooper would probably be a bit confused about how he gave birth at all!

Chris: Picture the scene though – maybe in a restaurant, and it would be like ‘hey! how are you! I haven’t seen you since your ultrasound – I was about to say some cheesy line but then the nurse took you away!’ I’m sure it’s a great film though if you’re a fan of both of those people.

Siri: I don’t know, the more we’ve talked about it the more I think it could be an incredible film anyway. If it’s anything like the picture you’ve just painted, I don’t think you need to be a Lady Gaga fan to enjoy it.

Chris: Wouldn’t it be very weird if she had a limp and Bradley Cooper saw her and says ‘were you in an accident’ and she replied ‘no I was born this way’.

Siri: Yeah, and then he’d be like ‘really?’ and she’d say ‘no, but I’m glad you couldn’t read my pokerface’.

Chris: oooh!

Siri: Thanks.

Chris: I think this is a very good place to stop. I’m off to exercise my brain – I walk it on a lead. It’s good for it. I get weird looks from dog owners though.

Image result for brain on a leash

Siri: I can imagine!

Chris; Okay, I hope you enjoyed this blogisode. Enjoy your week, and one day next week we shall return. Jazz hands. Peace.

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A Simple Blogisode

Hey guys! Welcome back to your weekly outlet for the strange and… weird! The blog equivalent of putting a hoover to the side of your forehead and sucking all the bizarre thoughts out. Oh no, facebook please don’t adopt that as the next craze – the Henry Challenge! 

Chris: Hey Siri!

Siri: Hi Chris, isn’t it a cold grey today?

Chris: It is cold and grey, but we are back talking nonsense on a blog so I am warm and sunny inside!

Siri: Absolutely, me too, and hopefully we can share that sunniness with the readers of this blogisode. Just like the baby from the teletubbies.

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Chris: Oh. I forgot about him.

Siri: He hasn’t aged in several decades, it’s very bizarre.

Chris: Maybe he’s auditioning for Doctor Who? After Jodie Whittaker I mean.

Siri: NO! They can’t hold any auditions for her replacement yet! She’s only just started!

Chris: I’m so excited – November 23rd. Put that in your Tardis. Wait, I mean calendar. So I realised I told the readers last week that I was going to go into the film called the Simple Favour with Anna Kendrick and Blake Lively in it, so I must honour that promise.

Image result for jodie whittaker doctor who

Siri: That you must. What do you have to say about it?

Chris:It’s a thriller, but it is from the director of Bridesmaids, which is an odd combination. However, he tried to make it funny like Bridesmaids, and it’s not funny. It’s just a bit confusing. I think my number one problem with it is that the favour is not that simple.

Siri: Ooh, what’s the favour?

Chris: Well, I was expecting it to be something like ‘look after my son while I pick up some groceries from the supermarket, and I’ll be back in 15 minutes’.

Siri: When they’ve made you a superstar? When you’ve got your fame?

Chris: Yes, all of the above things, but the favour was not simple. It was ‘look after my son while I fake my death and then get Anna Kendrick to look into it for me because she’s so worried and there’s a life insurance policy and I’m actually one of three sisters and I killed the other sister and dumped her body in the lake so everybody would think it was me but I’m actually still alive’

Siri: Wow, spoiler alert! What about the third sister?

Chris: I’m not actually sure there was one. You never saw one, but they said there was one.

Siri: Do you think they are setting it up for a sequel?

Chris: um………… no. But it should be renamed a complicated favour.

Siri: Do you think that the director named it a simple favour because he was trying to make it more comedic – the joke being that it wasn’t simple at all? Is that what you mean by the humour made it confusing, because I’m confused.

Chris: It’s based on a book called A Simple Favour, which is not going to be that simple either. And my brain hurts.

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Siri: Do you know anyone who’s read the book?

Chris: I don’t know anybody who’s read the book, but my brother has seen the film and he agrees with me that the favour wasn’t that simple. Let’s now go through a list of five simple favours that Blake Lively could have asked of Anna Kendrick.

Siri: I’ll go first, ‘Anna, please get me a glass of orange juice’.

Chris: ‘Anna, please can you watch my kid while I go out for a minute? I’ll be back soon. I’m definitely not meeting my identical twin sister, killing her, and making you all think I’m dead’ – oh wait, I hope that doesn’t spoil the whole film.

Siri: ‘Anna, can you please look up the nearest lakes? Definitely not for body dumping.’

Chris: ‘Anna, could you please have an affair with my husband, because it’s all integral to my plan. Thank you.’

Siri: ‘Anna, please perform some a capella for me’.

Chris: ‘Anna, could you please look after my kid for the night while I go out for the friend. He will love your lullabies because you’ve got such a pitch perfect voice’.

Siri: And that’s six favours that are mostly much simpler than the actual favour. I think we should write movies.

Chris: Ooh, ‘Anna, could you please act a little ditzy, because it will really help the plot move along’.

Siri: Another excellent one. Did she actually do that favour?

Chris; Yes, she acted cooky and a little mad.

Siri: So Anna Kendrick as the world loves her, I suppose.

Chris: Yes, as I call her, Anna ‘Cooky’ Kendrick.

Siri: Very cunning. I’m sure she would like that as a nickname.

Chris: Anyway, that’s enough time spent on A Simple Favour. I now want to talk about perfume!

Siri: The Patrick Suskind book about a murderer in France, which ends in an orgy at a hanging?

Chris: no, actual perfume, you know…

Siri: Aha, I have heard of that also. What kind?

Chris: So I was in a famous chemist the other day (I cannot disclose the actual name, but it goes with shoes). So there were all these scents on sale – tell me if you would buy any of these: Amber, Fresh Laundry, Marshmallow, Grass, Gin & Tonic, Rain or Vanilla Ice Cream.

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Siri: Wow, are you sure these are scents? They sound like very niche wallpaper colours, or something equally as thrilling.

Chris: But wait, there’s more! Would you want to smell like amber?

Siri: If I’m being completely honest, I didn’t think amber had a smell!

Chris: Well you’d be wrong, silly billy. Have you ever worn fresh laundry and thought ‘I want to smell like that all year round’?

Siri: I have never once had that thought.

Chris: Have you ever eaten a marshmallow and then thought ‘I want this on me’.

Siri: That’s more like the kind of thing that might go through my head, but every time I’ve eaten marshmallow fluff and got it all over my hands and face, I have severely regretted it!

Chris: Okay, there’s more which we will not talk about because we’ve got to keep these short after last week. BUT, I will post a picture of these scents. Thank you very much for listening, and we will see you next week!


Siri: Yes we will, or at least, we’ll imagine all your mundane faces!

Chris: It’s virtual reality, it works. Have a great week guys, peace.


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Not a Netflix Original

We are not on Netflix or Sky so we can’t be original. Welcome back to Mundanevision – I’ve missed you guys!

Siri: When were you last here?

Chris: Some time ago. I don’t remember the date but somebody will! Please help me out.

Siri: We’ve just received an anonymous tip that Mundanevision was last with you in May this year!

Chris: Thank you Anonymous Mundanevision Tip Line!

Siri: Anonymous Mundanevision Tip Line says you are most welcome.

Chris: Wow! The AMTL is very chatty.

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Siri: The Anonymous Mundanevision Tip Line disagrees, and she told me to tell you that she is very quiet and only comments when absolutely necessary. She also told me about what she had for dinner last night and the names of her toenails, so I don’t agree.

Chris: Did she say that? Wow, I disagree. Somebody was chatting while I was trying to get to sleep last night.

Siri: Were you imagining it?

Chris: Who knows. Who knows what’s real anymore? Is this blog even real?

Siri: Almost certainly not, it’s an illuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuusion.

Chris: Anyway. Welcome guys! For those of you who do not recognise the sound of typing, my friend Siri is back with me for this run of blogisodes. I’m very excited and happy that she is back.

Siri: And it’s magnificent to be back. I hope that things are weird and unexpected and we trail off and talk nonsense, as usual.

Chris: Hopefully. We can only aspire to that fact.

Siri: I think we should dream big and then succeed, and I hope that’s reflected in all places in life, whether we deserve it or not, as sometimes people who really don’t deserve success manage to get it. I am definitely not going to mention the American President.

Chris: I always dream big – I dreamt about a fat woman the other night.

Siri: That was a big dream. But it was a short story. (Do you see what I did there?)

Chris: I do! Don’t worry guys – this is not an on blog wedding.

Siri: But you actually went to a wedding earlier this summer, didn’t you?

Chris: I did go to a wedding. I went to a wedding in Greece. It was lovely.

Siri: I also went to one! Mine was in Cambridge though, so not quite as exotic. Although I had to travel from the Middle East to get there!!!

Chris: This wedding stuff is so stilted. So, what’s been going on since we’ve been off-air, or off-keyboard I guess! I found out I’ve been doing this blog for over three years.

Siri: Pretty impressive if you ask me. Although I’m pretty sure I’ve had some cheese in the fridge for about that long!

Chris: Mundanevision CHEESE.

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Siri: On second thoughts there’s no way I’d have cheese for more than three days before eating it all. But three days, three years, what’s the difference?

Chris: Yes. So, if you’ve been with us for the entire three years, thank you, or if you’re just joining us because you’d thought you click on this link on facebook and see what the fuss is about, also thank you! I’m very honoured that you’ve stuck with us for that long. Could you not reach youtube?

Siri: Oh no, you’ve just lost all of our readers by telling them that Youtube exists!

Chris: Oh my god! Come back! I promised to adopt a cat and make it do funny things!

Siri: What kind of funny things are you anticipating this cat will do? And can you do them yourself – I think people would prefer to see that.

Chris: Okay so we could put a cat on a skateboard and launch it down a hill. But for all these cat videos that are on Youtube I think my cat will fight back against all the people making cats do funny things. Cats can be serious as well!

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Siri: There’s also always the risk that we’ll have a skateboarding cat or a cat walking on the ceiling or a cat with it’s belly being tickled and no one will see, because Mundanevision is text-based!

Chris: So I think my cat would be reading poetry. That’s the serious thing I want my cat to do.

Siri: That is only serious if the poetry is serious. We don’t want the cat reading any jokey poems, or any of your parodies.

Chris: What, you think I would let a cat read owl and the pussy cat? You’re crazy!

Siri: You’re right, that would be bananas. So did you have a poem in mind, or are you going to get the cat to write the poetry too?

Chris: I think a cat reading Shakespeare would be quite good.

Siri: I agree. Comedy or tragedy?

Chris: Tragedy. I’m thinking the soliloquy from Hamlet. Think of Hamilton but from Denmark. ANYWAY, while we’ve been off I’ve been to the cinema to see the Equalizer starring Denzel Washington – a great film but I was rather disappointed in that he didn’t do any basic arithmetic at all!

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Siri: Really? No plussing or minussing that made something equal? At all?

Chris: No! What are Hollywood playing at?

Siri: Was it a deeper meaning of Equalize?

Chris: Yes, he was getting justice for people, so he was equalising the balance for good and bad.

Siri: Oh that makes sense, but kind of disappointing. Sometimes I like films about maths teachers.

Chris: So take note Hollywood. Next time have Denzel Washington doing at least a times table or a square root of something or at least adding something up!

Siri: Yes, even if it’s basic maths it should be in there. Have you seen anything else recently?

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Chris: Funny you should say that, I’ve seen other films like A Simple Favour and Mile 22 which I will go into next week. But I just wanted to quickly talk about First Man, which is a biopic about the first man on the moon, which is very informative but the casting is Ryan Gosling playing Neil Armstrong. I would’ve liked to have sat in on the casting meeting they had. What actors fly? What actors can we get that fly on the space shuttle? And they went to the normal ones like Tom Cruise and Vin Diesel, when somebody hit on the idea that a gosling is a goose, and geese can fly, so let’s have Ryan Gosling! And that’s going to win a lot of awards. Well done Hollywood. Well done. There’s also a Bradley Cooper Lady Gaga film called A Star Is Born where Bradley takes Lady Gaga from obscurity and makes her a star! A bit like the X Factor but with more character development.

Siri: And more of Bradley Cooper’s face. Which is also excellent.

Chris: I realise we’ve gone over our word limit. I really thank you for staying off Youtube for this long. I’m so glad I’m back – I just rambled!

Siri: I thought our rambling was magnificent.

Chris: See you next week for more magnificent rambling! Peace.

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The Australian Wizard of Aus

Welcome to Mundanevision airwaves, please stow your screens in the upright position in preparation for take-off. We will be typing until we arrive at our destination/word limit. We hope you enjoy your flight!

Chris: Hey Esther

Esther: Hiya Chris, how are you?

Chris: I’m good thankyou, I thought we would do something a bit different for today’s blogisode. I’ve often thought that the Wizard of Oz should be an Australian Wizard, and as such I can see some problems with the Dorothy’s journey down the yellow brick road. Are you up for trying to resolve these problems with me?

Esther: I’m intrigued… do continue

Image result for the wizard of oz

Chris: So Mundanevision presents the Wizard of Aus version. Once upon a time there lived a girl called Dorothy, who lived with her Aunt Donna and Uncle Frank in New Zealand. One day, a huge hurricane swept Dorothy, her Aunt and Uncle and the house they live in, safely landing it in Australia. All their new neighbours came out to stand and stare: “Cor blimey mate, look at this, Sheila!”. In order to get back to New Zealand, Dorothy was told she must go and see the Wizard of Aus. On that journey, she was joined by a lion, a kangaroo and a scarecrow. She also took with her on her journey, her little dog, Brian, who she took with her wherever she went. They approached the wizard’s castle and the castle doors opened and suddenly the Wizard of Aus appeared. Stereotypically he was wearing a corkhat and cargo shorts. He asked them all who they were and Dorothy introduced herself and her new friends. “Let me just stop you there”, said the Wizard, “I see you have a dog with you. We have very strict quarantine laws in Aus. You can get him back in precisely one week. Unfortunately, until them I’m going have to take your dog until then, alright Sheila?”. “My name’s not Sheila, it’s Dorothy!”, she cried.  “I’m sorry to insult you, I call everyone Sheila, it’s just easier. And somebody get that kangaroo out of here. I’m expecting a tinny man.” All of a sudden a man appears holding cans of lager, “ah there you are, thankyou Bruce” the Wizard says, taking a can of lager from him. Bruce bows and carefully backed out of the room. By this time, the kangaroo, not wanting to be caught is bouncing over the castle walls. “All right, what’s her problem?” exclaims the wizard. The kangaroo explains to the wizard that her name is Jane and she was scared by horror films when she was a joey and this is why she gets scared and starts jumping all over the place. The wizard looks confused, “hang on, Joey? I thought your name was Warren?”. The kangaroo explains that she used to be a joey and now she is Jane. “Ah”, the wizard says with a wink, “did you have gender reassignment surgery? There’s no need to look so bashful, all genders are equal in my eyes. Now, what can I do for you guys?”. “I don’t want to keep jumping anymore”, cried Jane. “Wait”, cried the wizard, “you can’t be a wizard if you don’t jump, at least a bit. If I give you see much comedy you’ll start turning into a hyena! However, I can calm you down a bit, that is very excessive jumping. Have you ever tried the high-jump?”, they all look at the wizard and shake their heads. “Oh I’m sorry, try this comedy film, it might distract you”. He hands Jane a copy of Crocodile Dundee. “This sounds scary”, says Jane. “Don’t worry Jane, there’s no actual crocodiles in it, you silly marsupial. It is a comedic story about a New York reporter goes to the outback to research a story on Crocodile Dundee, and they end up falling in love”. Jane is satisfied and hops off smiling. Next, it is the scarecrow’s turn: “what can I do for you?” the wizard asks. “I don’t want birds to sit on me any more!” cries the scarecrow. “That’s no problem”, he tosses him a big net, “drape this over you and those birds won’t be able to sit on you any more. I’ve even cut out eye holes and a mouth in it for you so you can see and breathe out of it, and you’re set for Halloween, too! You’ll have to go as a ghost every year, though. I’m not big on costume ideas.” The scarecrow takes his net and walks away smiling, or more precisely he goes and stands in a corner. Just then, a pigeon lands on his head. “Uh oh” cried the scarecrow. The wizard turns his attention to the lion next. “And what’s your wish?” he asks him. The lion replies saying he is too scared to be a lion any longer, and he wants to change to a different animal, like a domesticated house cat. The lion produces a picture of exactly the cat he wants to be, complete with blue eyes and white fur. “I’d like to look like this, please.” says the lion, who’s name is Harry. “Woah woah woah, calm down Harry. You can be another type of cat, you’re purrfect the way you are!”. The lion shakes his head at this joke, and the wizard tells him, “you can’t rule the jungle if you’re cowardly, you need to man up a bit! Lucky for you, I have this protein powder and unlimited gym membership”. The lion imagines how big and muscly he will get and walks off to start pumping iron at his new gym, hoping it will help him find some courage. While he starts to work out, the Rocky theme tune starts playing in the background. “Could you turn that music down, please? I can’t hear myself think!” the wizard shouts. He turns to Dorothy, “what can I help you with, D? That’s your new nickname D, let’s try it out.” “Well nothing really, I just want to go home, have you got any ruby slippers? Says Dorothy, who has obviously read the original version of the Wizard of Oz. “Don’t be silly, we only wear sandals in Australia”, the wizard tells her, “and anyway, you don’t need any magical footwear, all you need is this.” The wizard hands her plane tickets, one for her, her aunt, uncle and her dog, Brian. “Now the only problem with this is that there is only 25kg weight limit so you might have to pay extra baggage for your dog, he felt a bit podgy when I picked him up earlier. Now away with you, you little scamp! The plane is leaving at 3 o’clock. However, the wizard had not taken into account the new recently imposed time difference between New Zealand and Australia and it was now 4 o’clock. “Never mind”, he said, “there’s always tomorrow!”. Dorothy sighs as she sits down on her wheely luggage and waits for the next plane home.

Image result for stereotypical australian

The End.

And that about wraps up our blogisode for this season. I would like to thank everybody who worked on them with me, Esther, the sloth, the afternoon girls (who weren’t actually here this season but you can just imagine them). Thankyou so so much for reading this blogisode every week, we now have over fifty followers. There’s loads of blogisodes to be read between now and September when we’re back with a brand new series. Thankyou so much everybody, peace! 

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Monster Love Tips and the Unamused Audience

Hello friends of the blogisode – old and new! A lot of people ask me “Chris, how do you come up with such sparkling and witty intros to these blogisodes week after week?”, well I have a picture of Queen Victoria in the studio, and if I can amuse her then I’m doing pretty well. She is never amused, so I have to think that someone else will be. 

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Chris: Hey Esther

Esther: Hiya Chris, how’s your day going?

Chris: I’m fine thankyou, it is hard trying to make Queen Victoria smile, though. I’ve tried it with Mona Lisa but she’s always smiling anyway, so I began to distrust her views on comedy.

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Esther: Ah, yes, Mona is too easily pleased it seems. Although Queen Victoria is a pretty tough crowd… maybe you should find some middle ground. Perhaps The Girl With the Pearl Earring?

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Chris: I could find some middle ground or I could create a hybrid, like some mad scientist, and call it Mona Victoria.

Esther: Oooh that’s dangerous though. Haven’t you learnt from Shelley’s Frankenstein that you shouldn’t create people?

Chris: I don’t want to play God, that honour is always left for Morgan Freeman. Has Hollywood taught you nothing?

Esther: Ah yes, this is true. I wouldn’t mind seeing a Frankenstein film adaptation with a Morgan Freeman narrative actually, now I think about it. All I’m saying is if you’re not careful you might end up with weird green monster Queen/painting creping around your house and haunting you.

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Chris: Forget about Morgan Freeman, I’d love to see David Attenborough narrating Frankenstein, that would be great. “And here in the lab, we see the beginnings of life”.

Esther: Ooh that’s a good idea. It’d be like a natural documentary, you may be making a very philosophical comment on the novel but I think it might be a good one. Plus I think Attenborough could pretty much pull off anything, including making everyone love Frankenstein’s monster by following him around for ages until he does something the British public finds adorable.

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Chris: You mean like win Britain’s Got Talent? Or rescue the other half of Ant and Dec from rehab? Or even officiate over Harry and Meghan’s wedding ceremony?

Esther: Now that really would get me to watch the royal wedding. Just imagine the reporters, shouting “Who are you wearing?”, and then Frankenstein’s monster just rolls out super swish in his little vicar’s collar, loving life. He’d be a some kind of diva monster who the press adore.

Chris: A bit like Nigel Farage then. He’s always in the papers. Or if you prefer someone less controversial, might I suggest Taylor Swift.

Esther: I don’t know how much you’ve seen about Kendall Jenner lately, but she got video’d on the red carpet at the Met Gala this week “pushing” a body guard out the way. It was a huge scandal apparently, although the footage literally shows her putting her hand on his back so they didn’t bump into each other. Anyway, I can 100% picture our Frankensteinian monster being the next diva who’s so huge that at next year’s Met Gala, he pushes Kendall out of his way. Drama!

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Chris: And would our Frankenstein have a facebook page? Raving it up at next year’s Coachella. Joining the cast for the third Mamma Mia film, perhaps as the mysterious uncle of the kid who has a penchant for lightning.

Esther: Love it. He’d definitely be one of those celebrities whose face is literally everywhere within a few months. All the movies, TV adverts, billboard ads, huge on twitter and a huge diva at all the award ceremonies. Move over Kanye, it’s time you met your match.

Chris: I thought Kanye would say “I’m just as a big and cool as that monster”.

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Esther: That sounds about right, maybe they could befriend each other and be the next big duo?

Chris: I can see it now, the Frankenstein’s first facebook and twitter posts would be: ‘Frankenstein: Loving life’.

Esther: Can you imagine them in music together? Maybe Kanye could teach him how to rap and they could have rap battles or something. Imagine the twitter madness.

Chris: We don’t want our monster to meet Kanye. He’d probably say something like, ‘being a monster’s a choice’. Sorry, I just had a horrible flashback to last week’s blogisode there.

Esther: Ah you should get reading all the scholarly arguments about Frankenstein, you joke but there’s lots of questions about whether Frankenstein’s monster is born a monster or chooses to become one. We all joke, but maybe Kanye is secretly a philosophical genius?

Chris: Yes, maybe he is. Maybe he is. But I don’t feel this is the right forum to answer such a deep question. So, instead, I’ve just thought of the first book our monster could write. It would be a book to help people find love, called ‘Frankenstein: Monster on the Dating Scene’.

Esther: Love it, all I’m picturing is a monster-esque Gok Wan who gives everyone dating tips, helps pick out outfits so they look amazing for their date and hides in the restaurant to listen in on the people’s dates. I can just hear it now “Oh you look FABULOUS, darling!”

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Chris: I would thinking it could have chapters, which could be titled things like ‘You are a beautiful, perfect human! Don’t worry about other people’s preconceptions, you are monster-riffic’ or ‘Unleash the Love Beast in You’! It would be a number one best seller within a week.

I’m off to resurrect Frankenstein, and he’s going to write the best love advice book the world has ever seen! Oops, we’ve upset the Girl with the Pearl Earring, she’s off. See you next week, peace. 

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Kanye’s Cheese Dilemma

Hello, welcome to Saturday! If you’re not motivated enough to go to the gym because it’s so sunny outside, mundanevision has the perfect workout for you. For today’s workout, we will be working on the index finger, the eyes, and the laughter muscles. What do you mean, ‘it’s not funny’? We’re committed now so I suppose we better see this through.

Chris: Hey Esther!

Esther: Hiya Chris, how are you?

Chris: I am good, except, can you move the sun a bit further away for me? It’s a bit hot.

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Esther: Lovely confirmation of your british nationality, there Chris, nice one. I’ll remind you of that next week when we’re all complaining about the cold and the rain.

Chris: No no, the cold and the rain is the perfect weather for barbeques. We love to co-inside the barbeque with miserable weather. It’s just what we do – expect the unexpected.

Esther: Nothing tastes better than a slightly undercooked and wet barbequed hot dog in a disintegrating, sodden hot dog roll. My kind of cuisine, that is. Although if you want the sun to cool off a bit, I’d imagine lots of brits getting out their barbeques for a big summery evening tonight will keep the sun away.

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Chris: That is the free option – although if you have a bit of money to spend, and a good pair of wellies, I recommend going to a music festival. Or even thinking about it, that’ll guarantee the rain.

Esther: Ah the beauty of unpredictable British summers. I know we all complain about it but I genuinely think this country would be at a complete loss if they didn’t have something to complain about – I mean, what would small talk consist of?

Chris: As British people, we are so taken aback when the sun comes out, its like we think that a heatwave is somewhere between medium and long wave on the fm dial, or on digital radio.

Esther: Nothing beats British spring time. We’re all so desperate for some sunshine and so fed up of the cold and the rain that even an hour of warmish, 15 degree weather and suddenly the streets are filled with sun-cream smothered, ice-cream licking, sunglass and hat wearing Brits who are trying their best to turn from a pasty white to a golden brown. It’s that kind of optimism that we need in today’s world.

Chris: Yes, optimism to combat the news. The biggest bit of news this week was probably Kanye West’s comments about slavery being a choice. The man is unhinged and just completely wrong. I do feel sorry for him though – can you imagine if maybe he meant to say that savoury was a choice, but he has a speech impediment. The man just loves lasagne.

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Esther: He’s completely bonkers and totally power-crazy. If only that was the truth, it would result in far more pleasant and frankly hilarious news reports – imagine turning on your TV to watch the news and they’re showing an interview with Kanye where he’s just drooling over the thought of vegetable spring rolls. If only he was that innocent.

Chris: Can you imagine how fun Kanye’s arguments are with his wife, Kim Kardashian about really mundane, everyday things like doing the washing up. She’d say things like, “Kanye, please would you do the washing up?” he’d say “washing up is a choice” and then he totally wouldn’t do it. It’s almost like the man is totally unaware that we have a choice in life – multiple choice questions must blow his mind.

Esther: I can’t imagine either of them have done much washing up in their lives anyway. I’d love to see Kanye in an exam environment – some of his answers would be equally ridiculous as they are hilarious.

Chris: I would love to see him heckling at a One Direction concert – he’d stand up in the middle of ‘That’s What Makes You Beautiful’ and say ‘you have a choice, you don’t have to go in one direction, you can choose to go in any direction you please!’. Even better would be, Kanye on orienteering. He’d be like, ‘what? what is this? North, east, south and west? I think I just invented a compass, yay more choices!’

Esther: Somehow I’m struggling with the mental image of Kanye in a hard hat and climbing harness. Although that would certainly make headlines.

Chris: All I can think of is Kanye in the supermarket. And Kim Kardashian is shopping, and Kanye is just standing at the cheese isle. When she goes up to him to hurry him along, he’s like ‘Don’t rush me, I’m still choosing!’.

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Esther: Imagine, just wondering into your local sainsbury’s to find Kim and Kanye at the cheese counter arguing over stilton. Although, it would probably have to be an exclusively celebrity supermarket for that ever to actually happen.

Chris: Speaking of celebrity supermarkets, does anybody know what happened to Kerry Katona? I haven’t seen her after her Iceland tv ad period. Has she actually gone to iceland?

Image result for kerry katona iceland

Esther: I haven’t a clue, maybe she’s at the same celebrity supermarket as Kanye and Kim. Just picture it, you could have all the big celebrities in there, having their day to day arguments with each other. Now that is one supermarket that I wouldn’t mind working in.

Chris: That is a great idea for a reality TV show. Reality supermarket stars on ice? No, that wouldn’t work, so here’s another: “tonight on the channel four’s documentary, Undiscovered Secrets of the Modern World, we dig up and thaw out a figure recently discovered and only known as the Ice Woman. Now, after years of painstaking research, scientists have discovered that her name is Kerry. She wandered into the wrong kind of Iceland, and she brought with her a wide selection of party food for just one pound. She knows nothing of Brexit.

If you know the whereabouts of Kerry Katona, please keep it to yourself. Come to think of it, where is Atomic Kitten – is that not the cat that runs along the roof top in the intro to Coronation Street? Questions for another time. See you next week, peace.

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