Chris: I have a question for you Sophia. I was thinking today…if you had the last piece of paper on Earth, what would you write on it?
Sophia: Erm… a poem?
Chris: A poem? Wouldn’t you write instructions for future generations on how to avoid destroying the world? Not just a haiku.
Sophia: Erm… Well, what would you write?
Chris: Presumably there will have been an apocalyptic takeover if it got to the point of only having one piece of paper left on Earth…so maybe not a haiku but some sort of coup. Perhaps the last piece of paper would have a Page 3? Or at least a Line 3.
Sophia: Line 3? What do you mean?
Chris: Well, if you only had one piece of paper you can’t have a Page 3 – so it would have to be a Line 3. Get it? It makes sense to me! It depends on how big the piece of paper is. Is it A4?
Sophia: Or even…A3? What’s bigger than A3? A2? Does that exist? Don’t you hate it when printers print on A3 instead of A4. It gets me every time.
Chris: Yes I hate driving on the A3 and A4 at the same time as reading the letters on the tarmac. Especially in rush hour.
Sophia: Sorry I didn’t hear you. Rash hour?
Chris: No. Rush hour.
Sophia. Raaash hour?
Chris: NO. When everyone drives home from work, y’know…rush hour.
Sophia: OH! RUSH hour. So not “rash” as in “nappy rash”? Rush hour. OK.
Chris: Can you imagine though if everyone had a “rash” hour … when they could only make rash decisions?
Sophia: I think I have that.
Chris: Is there a cure? Like a good brand of “rational” cream to soothe the itching and the swelling?
Sophia: I dunno. You could try Sudacream I suppose. Or aloe?
Chris: Hello? Did somebody just come in?
Sophia: Never mind.
Chris: Huh? We’re not discussing Nirvana? Are we?
Sophia: There is a funny smell in here though.
Chris: Hmm…Smells Like Teen Spirit.
Sophia: No, I think it’s white spirit. The neighbours are having their flat painted.
Chris: No, it’s definitely Teen Spirit. Think it was track one.
Sophia: What was that other famous Nirvana song?
Chris: Come As You Are?
Sophia: No the other one.
(She breaks in to song, bearing a striking resemblance to a badly tuned trumpet. Chris looks uncomfortable)
Chris: Yeah… In Bloom?
(Sophia breaks in to song again. Chris waits patiently for her to finish)
Chris: Wow! You’re through to the next round.
Sophia: Thanks Simon.
Chris: I didn’t say Simon says…
Sophia: Oh. Sorry.
Chris: Anyway, we better get back on to the subject of this last piece of paper.
Sophia: I think I’d write some washing machine instructions.
Chris: Ooo, that’ll put people in to a spin.
Sophia: Well, the thing is, my washing machine at home is broken and it’s got me in to a bit of a tumble… If the last piece of paper in the world was a washing machine manual, nobody would ever go without clean underwear ever again.
Chris: I think the last piece of paper would just be a post-it-note saying “The End”
Sophia: Could it be a pink heart-shaped one? I hear they do them at Paperchase?
Chris: Maybe it would be stuck to the side of a Unicorn.
Sophia: Who said anything about unicorns?
Chris: I wouldn’t trust a unicorn’s jokes they’d be so…corny
Sophia: OK. So, are you implying that once human beings have chopped down every single tree on the planet and there’s only one teeny weeny piece of paper left…the world will be taken over by unicorns?
Chris: Yep. I think so. ‘My Little Pony’ seems so angelic but it’s plotting something…
(Sophia looks shocked)
Sophia: I had a blue ‘My Little Pony’ toy once.
Chris: Was it sad? I bet it was laughing ’cause it had the last piece of paper on Earth. I reckon Will Smith and Jaden Smith should have been in a movie about this.
Sophia: I’m not sure whether Will Smith would get on well with unicorns. Usually he’s tackling zombies and aliens.
Chris: I reckon he’d get on well with unicorns actually because he can just clip clop off in to the sunset at the end of the film.
Sophia: But what about Jaden? Doesn’t he get a unicorn?
Chris: Jaden can tag along on a unicycle. What would a movie about the last piece of paper on Earth be called? Paperpal? Or Ryman’s Revenge?
Sophia: Mr & Mrs WHSmith?
Chris: The Paper Games? Paper Chase?
Sophia: The Notebook?
Chris: I think that one’s taken…
Sophia: Lord of the Ring-binder Files?
Chris: Wow, well at least it’s an organised movie. 50 Shades of Paper?
Sophia: Let’s throw three sheets to the wind (excuse the pun) and take these ideas further?!
Chris: Saddle up your unicorns. To Hollywood we go!
If you enjoyed our mundane visions of a future with only one piece of paper, come back for more nonsense about the topics that nobody talks about. We’ll be here every Tuesday. Paperless, we promise.
Piece Out. Oops. Sorry…we meant “Peace”.