Happy St.Patrick’s Day everyone and welcome to another blogisode of Mundanevision.
Chris: It is St. Patrick’s Day. Do you think Patrick has a complex?
Sophia: Well I think anyone would if they had a day dedicated to themselves every year. Does that mean we can have a pint of Guinness?
Chris: No no. But I do have a copy of the Guinness World Records book. Does that count?
Sophia: Maybe. If you were to win a Guinness World Record what would it be?
Chris: Good question. I think it would be the amount of Guinness World Record books I can read in a minute – including the Index and Contents pages.
Sophia: Wow. Respect. If I had a Guinness World Record it would be to become a mermaid.
Chris: Er.. become a mermaid in a minute? Amount of fish you can eat in a minute? Number of sailors you can lure with your siren song in a minute?
Sophia: No.Number of mermaid tail flips I can do in a minute.
Chris: Ahh. That would be a very fishy world record.
Sophia: There are actually some really weird world records out there though. There’s someone who can squirt milk from their eye.
Chris: You know there’s a whole section dedicated to world music in HMV. They must have a world record section.
Sophia: Did you ever play the recorder?
Chris: No but I used a recorder for the radio.
Sophia: Oh really? Because I used to play ‘London’s Burning’ on the recorder.
Chris: Wow. The TV show about the fire-fighters? How did you do that?!
Sophia: Let’s just say a secret is best kept a secret.
Chris looks amused.
Chris: Anyway Sophia, we’ve been nominated for a creative bloggers award recently.
Sophia: I know. Cool eh?
Chris: Someone actually thinks we’re creative. Poor them!
Sophia: Ah if only they really knew.
Chris: We’re not creative, we’re philosophical. Give me a second I need to sit under this tree and think about the next bit.
Chris goes and sits under a tree. He ponders. He returns. Sophia is sipping on Guinness.
Sophia: You’re back! I was thinking, I wouldn’t compare ourselves to the likes of Plato…
Chris:Oo I have a thought! Do you… ahh how do I get this idea out of my head. SHOEHORN. Someone bring me a shoehorn!
Chris: So I can yank this idea out of my head.
Sophia: You mean it’s there but you can’t put it in to words?
Chris: Yes – the most important aspect of a blog one feels.
Sophia: Hmm. Indeed. Without words, we really would be nothing.
Chris: Without words, we’d be blank.
Sophia: Like those lonely blank squares in games of Scrabble.
Chris: Anyway, here it is, I’ve got it: do you think if there was a school of philosophy for young children, one of the philosophers would be called Playdough?
Sophia: Haha. I loved Playdough. Yes do you think Playdough (aka Plato) would construct theories out of squishy putty?
Chris: The Playdough School of Philosophy. It wouldn’t last very long, it would eventually dry out without a lid.
Sophia: Ah. The bane of my life. Dried out Playdough.
Chris: Yes – when Playdough is old and dry he’d be like “I can’t come up with ideas any more, no ideas!” Ah, this is an award winning conversation.
Sophia: For sure.
Chris: We might have to go to a red carpet première.
Sophia: Ooo I’ll get my ball gown out. Gucci or Chanel?
Chris: I dunno. They’re both shiny. Why are red carpets always red? Isn’t that a bit discriminatory to other carpets?
Sophia: Yes, why not a beige one. Or a nice mute mink colour?
Chris: Or off white. An off white première. For Fifty Shades of Grey did the carpet match the film title?
Sophia: I’m not sure. What about Blue Velvet? Did the première carpet match that film title? I wonder what it’s like to walk on a velvety carpet.
Chris: Let’s ring up some of the actors and ask them. How about Dennis Hopper? Let’s Google him.
Sophia: I think he passed away in 2010.
Chris: Oh no. Do you have Isabella’s number?
Sophia: Let me see.
Chris: Hopper would be a good surname for a frog.
Sophia: Or a cricket.
Chris: Someone with that name would be a really irritating person to watch TV with though – they’d keep channel hopping.
Sophia: Oh, that would drive me hopping mad.
Chris: You know what they’d be really good at – hopscotch. I think they should adapt the rules of hopscotch where you just hop over a bowl of butterscotch.
Sophia: Or just scotch. That would be inebriating.
Chris: That’s a sobering thought.
Chris and Sophia sit in thoughtful silence for a while.
Chris: What would Playdough do?
Sophia: I don’t know but I reeeally want some butterscotch now.
Chris: Or some Angel Delight. After this let’s delight some angels.
Sophia: So how do you go about delighting angels Chris?
Chris: Tell them they won’t have to listen to that stupid Robbie Williams ‘Angels’ song ever again!
Sophia: Or hang out with Charlie’s angels. Those girls are so annoying.
Chris: How do they know that Cameron Diaz is an angel anyway? Did they give her a background check before the film? The same goes for the other two. Have they uncovered anything?
Sophia: Like Drew Barrymore’s scandalous lack of a halo. Every angel must have a halo.
Chris: Well they should get Beyonce to sing about it. She can see one on everyone. In fact that’s how they did it, Beyonce sang on set and the angels developed halos immediately.
Sophia: What do you think angel policemen say? “Halo halo halo”
Chris: Wow… You were really winging it with that one.
Sophia: My jokes are glowing with heavenly light.
Chris: I can see your halo. Is Beyonce around? Or Charlene maybe?
Chris and Sophia break out in to Texas songs.
Sophia: Why are they called ‘Texas’ when they’re actually a Scottish band?
Chris: I don’t know. They wish they were in Texas?
Sophia: I think that might be true actually. They wanted to get out of Glasgow.
Chris: They were like “I’m in Scotland, get me out of here!”
Chris and Sophia love Scotland by the way. If we have any Scottish followers we’re big fans of deep fried Mars bars, Scotch eggs and scotch tape. It’s just so sticky.
Sophia: That’s made me even more peckish. I think I’ll go and buy a Scotch egg.
Chris: Yolk’s on you!
Sophia: Cracking one Chris. Really egg-cellent…
Chris: Why yolk you very much! OK we can’t sit here and chat all day. We need to go somewhere else and chat there instead.
Sophia: Scotch egg time. See you all next week!
Chris: But first, let’s do a bonus blogisode thanking people for our creative blogger award nomination. Gwyneth Paltrow style. Lots of tears.
Peace. Watch this space.