Hello everyone. We’ve missed you and we’re sure you’ve missed us too. Welcome to this week’s blogisode. Read, like, comment and enjoy! It’s a particularly mundane day today.
Chris: So Sophia, it’s Tuesday.
Sophia: Of course. Mundanevision Day.
Chris: And we finally know the name of the Royal baby.
Sophia: And it wasn’t Michelle! Or Courtney!
Sophia: What do you think of Charlotte Elizabeth Diana’s name? Bit of a mouthful?
Chris: Charlotte’s nice. I like the name Charlotte.
Sophia: The other day our friend Alice wondered whether Charlotte would be shortened to Princess Chazza.
Chris: She could get a job on The Only Way is Essex. Princess Chazzza.
Sophia: You know Prince Harry’s name is actually Henry?
Chris looks shocked.
Chris: What? So that’s why he does off the wall stuff – he’s Horrid Henry!
Sophia: What are the other Horrid Henry characters. Is there a Stupid Susan?
Chris: I don’t know. I’m going to suggest: Mild Mannered Mabel. Or Sarcastic Insidious Susan.
Sophia: Imagine if that was actually your name.
Chris: What? Insidious Susan?
Sophia: Yeah, I mean can you imagine the register being called out.
Chris: We are gathered here today to marry Insidious Susan to Horrid Henry.
Sophia: I meant the school register but hey ho!
Chris: You might wanna get married in the school.
Sophia: My old school had weddings.
Chris: Ahh so that’s what people do at break time. They come back to lessons with official marriage certificates.
Sophia: And the reception involves a glass of milk and a chocolate biscuit in the playground. That sounds like quite a nice wedding reception to be honest.
Chris: And it’s just like a wedding reception – the afternoon comes around and everyone has a snooze.
Sophia: Apart from the fact that real wedding reception snoozes are alcohol-induced.
Chris: I dunno, somebody could have spiked the milk.
Sophia: Do you think Prince Harry is ever going to get married? Oh, I mean, Prince HENRY.
Chris: If he does, his wedding would be fancy dress.
Sophia: And his costume would be something controversial. What would the queen dress up as? A prawn? I’ve always wanted to dress up as a prawn. Prawn cocktail. Yum.
Chris: Knowing Prince Harry he would make a prawn cocktail an alcoholic drink
Sophia: Yeah, alcoholic prawn cocktail sounds dodgy. What’s your fave cocktail?
Chris: I like pina colada.
Sophia: Oo! That’s MY favourite too!
Chris: We have so much in common. (But we’re not commoners before Princess Charlotte writes in. Or should I say… crayons in).
Sophia: Can you imagine a letter from the Royal baby? A scribble of crayons.
Chris: Yeaah: “Ohh it’s lovely, I’ll ermmm stick it on the Royal fridge filled with roast swan.
Chris: Funny you should say that, we have some swan in the studio today, prepared by our resident sloth.
Sophia: I think I’ll just stick with chocolate bourbons thanks.
Chris: I don’t know… bourbons are over so quickly whereas swans last longer because of their necks.
Sophia: What would you eat a swan with? Cabbage?
Chris: Famous grouse.
Sophia: Of course. You know I met a grouse once
Chris: Was it a great grouse or gross grouse.
Sophia: I can’t remember, it was in the Scottish highlands. They make very strange noises. It’s kind of like a “hoooorrrghhhhh”
Sophia does a grouse impression
Chris: You’re agitating the sloth.
Sophia: Well he was already swanning around. So Chris, later we’re going to go and see ‘Far From the Madding Crown’ based on a Thomas Hardy book.
Chris: Yes we are going to see a Thomas Hardy film. Not TOM Hardy ladies… calm down. Can you imagine Tom Hardy in a Thomas Hardy film? That would very meta wouldn’t it… it would blow my mind.
Sophia: I’m sure tickets would be sold out in no time. To every woman on the planet.
Chris: I quite like Tom Hardy as an actor though.
Sophia: Yes he’s a real method actor – he gets in to the role.
Chris: And if he was a plant he wouldn’t die off – he’d be really hardy.
Sophia: Nice one Chris. As ever the puns are just flowing today.
Chris: Bringing gardening to a blogisode about acting. We’re going to really rake in the readers for this one….
Sophia: Flower power! Just call a spade a spade, Chris.
Chris: Would you drive a car if it had flower power?
Sophia: Well we wouldn’t have a problem with pollution if cars ran on flower power. A bit of a hay-fever issue though perhaps…
Chris: We’d have to stop every five minutes to feed daisies into the engine.
Sophia: And when you toot the horn, daffodils spurt out.
Chris: And the car wouldn’t have pedals… it would have petals.
Sophia: This sounds like the best car ever!
Chris: Yes Top Gear, take note. You know I tried to audition for the new Top Gear?
Sophia: Oh really?!
Chris: Yes, but I got it a bit wrong. I went into Topman and bought loads of top gear.
Sophia: Yes, I think you may have missed the point. At least you’re now well dressed.
Chris: The funny thing is, I’m wearing a Top Hat for this blog and no one is going to see it so what’s the point!
Sophia: Are you off to Prince Harry’s wedding by any chance? People do wear top hats to weddings right?
There’s a silence in the studio.
Chris: So how was your bank holiday? Have you asked your bank how its holiday was?
Sophia: Not yet, have you asked yours?
Chris: I asked it to go on holiday as a Santan-dare.
Sophia: Very nice. Talking of holidays, fancy going on a quick bear hunting trip to Egypt with me?
Chris: Let’s go to Egypt. I reckon it will be far enough away from the Maddening Crowd. They make me so angry!
Sophia: C’mon. Let’s go get a glass of milk and a chocolate biscuit first.
Chris: Aww! Are you proposing?
Chris and Sophia skip off into the sunset with a pint of Cravendale and a packet of biscuits trailing behind. The End. Until next week children. Goodbye, sleep well. And if you want to get married please ask an adult first. Term times and conditions apply.