Trick or Treat? Ah, I haven’t got any sweets. You’ll have to have this… But that’s a piece of paper, mister! Yes, it’s a web address, which will lead you to this week’s scary edition of Mundanevision. The only treat you can have which doesn’t rot your teeth.
Chris: Hey Siri!
Chris: Ah, that’s so scary. I like your costume, who did you come as.
Siri: A terrifying… girl. I’m glad it scared you. I feel scary. Who did you come as?
Chris: I came as a dodo. Which has been shot. So I’m as dead as a dodo.
Siri: It’s a great idea for a costume, but I have to say you don’t look much like a dodo. Although I haven’t seen a dodo in many years. Maybe they aren’t extinct and they secretly evolved into men?
Chris: Just look at Donald Trump, I think he’s a dodo.
Siri: If only. I wouldn’t mind if all Trumps were extinct.
Chris: All Trumps, you mean there’s more of them?
Siri: Yeah, didn’t you see that thing online? His son and daughter-in-law went to a town to try and gather support for him, and these girls were wearing a tshirt that said “Latinas contra Trump” which means Latinas against Trump, in case you didn’t know, and they got their photos taken with his son because his son had no idea.
Chris: That is a very scary topic for our very scary Halloween blogisode!
Siri: Very true. It was a scary looking morning this morning, all misty and frightening.
Chris: And foggy. We’ve got green light in the studio to add to the effect. If you could only see it. The sloth has come dressed up too!
Siri: Oh, I haven’t seen the sloth yet. What’s he dressed up as?
Chris: He’s come dressed up as a much faster animal. A cheetah, I think.
Siri: Has he just dressed up as one, or is he moving faster too?
Chris: Well, if you give him coffee, he moves really fast.
Siri: A fast-moving sloth-dressed-as-cheetah certainly is a terrifying Halloween costume! I wonder if giving wild sloths coffee has the same effect?
Chris: If anybody would like to sponsor us to do a jungle experiment, we are quite willing to go!
Siri: Yes, please give us enough money to stay in 5 star hotels in the middle of the jungle too. We will accept nothing less.
Chris: Sounds like we can stay with Bear Grylls. He looks like he will do a mean barbecue.
Siri: Yes, hopefully not with any of the sloths. Or humans for that matter. It will turn into its own horror movie!
Chris: Speaking of which, we need to talk about the scariest thing to happen to TV since… well, I don’t know what!
Siri: Since the girl came out of the TV in the Ring? That was pretty scary.
Chris: Yes, since that.
Siri: Okay, what are you talking about?
Chris: I’m talking about tomorrow night.
Siri: What’s happening then…
Chris: … … [pause for dramatic effect]…
Chris: BAKE OFF IS FINISHING!
Siri: HOLY MOLEY THAT IS TERRIFYING. Probably actually scarier than the Ring thing!
Chris: I guess it’s the scariest thing since sliced bread!
Siri: True, although sliced bread was good scary whereas Bake Off ending is more on the pure horror level.
Chris: Yes, I agree. I wouldn’t be surprised if I wake up on Thursday morning and there’s some sort of helpline that’s been set up for people that can’t get over the fact that GBBO has finished.
Siri: Cake sales will probably shoot up though, companies like Kipling Cakes and Millie’s Cookies will probably be earning thousands more selling to grievers and people crying into them and eating for comfort.
Chris: And Mary Berry’s cookbooks will shoot up to the Number One best seller list.
Siri: True, there’s not much better you can do for your career than ending a TV Show. Or maybe dying, in Michael Jackson and Robin Williams’ cases – their music and films were played masses after they died! This certainly is a very Halloweeny blogisode!
Chris: I wonder if the Prime Minister will make a statement?
Siri: I think she’s probably going to be too busy crying herself. Or at least comforting her loved ones. You can’t expect her to continue running the country as normal under such tragic times!
Chris: People all over the country will be throwing away their baking utensils and screaming “what’s the point?!” over and over again. Statues will be erected to Mary Berry.
Siri: Isn’t it funny that her last name is Berry and her livelihood in some ways relies on berries?
Chris: And we’ve just read online, courtesy of the Internet, the World Wide Web, that she’s 81!!! She’s a late bloomer… as in the bread…
Siri: Such a funny one. There are so many puns to do with that women. No wonder they had to make a TV show starring her.
Chris: Do you think somebody will make Bake Off The Movie?
Siri: Because it’s competition format, I’m not sure… I don’t know how the plot would go. You’re the genius story creator, remember your version of Chicken Run? However, there are loads of movies about competitions in sport, like all the weird football ones like Bend it Like Beckham, and of course beautiful Juliette starring in Bring It On, which are 5 movies purely about cheerleading competitions!
Chris: And this is a trend now! I think Downton Abbey is getting a movie, and the Office is getting a movie, and Allan Partridge has a movie. So, let me think for a bit. Let me put on my trailer voice, and I will give you my trailer for Great British Bake Off, the Movie…
Siri: I am immensely excited for this… Far too excited for someone who’s barely seen the show!
Chris: Yes, but let’s not let that stop us!
Siri: Go for it! Movie trailer!
Chris: The year is 2025. There is a sugar tax on all baked goods that has been introduced by the government. No one can afford a snack anymore, but in a world deprived of sugar, one woman dares break the mould and rise to the challenge! She delivers good looking cakes and baked goods into the hearts and minds of the starving population. One woman will rise to the challenge and cover the world in sticky goodness… Based on the 2016 hit BBC television show: The Great British Bake Off: THE MOVIE. This time the marquee will be sugar coated.
Siri: [applauds] Please tell me the lead is played by a then-90 year old Mary Berry?
Chris: Yes, they will get Mary Berry out of retirement especially.
Siri: A superwoman like Mary Berry won’t retire until she’s at least 120, don’t be silly.
Chris: Yes, they will probably use Mary Berry’s children for it, because Mary Berry will be too old.
Siri: No, Mary Berry can do anything.
Chris: But don’t look over your shoulder, because it is coming… It is coming… AND THAT’S OUR HALLOWEEN BLOGISODE PEOPLE! We hope we’ve scared you sufficiently, and we will see you post-trick or treating!
Siri: See you then!