Mundanevision presents The Great British Bake Off: The Movie…
It is at some point in 2025 and the government has instigated a sugar tax on everything so people are no longer allowed to have snacks anymore. The only snacks you can get are on the black market. We open on a young girl sitting in her kitchen alone surrounded by sweet wrappers…
Jess: Oh my god, all this sugar! It should be outlawed! Oh… wait… I just stumbled upon social commentary about the situation facing the world today. No, you shouldn’t be eating all that sugar. Preserve your teeth. Teeth are important.
Ru: [walks in and sees Jess surrounded by the sweet wrappers] JESS! What have you done! I thought you’d stopped this? Haven’t we been through the consequences of living outside of the law before? What is Meg going to do if she sees you?
Jess: Ah, don’t worry about Meg, she’ll probably tell me to brush my teeth or something.
Ru: No, Jess, last time Mum and I had to make up all kinds of lies to stop her from finding out. She’s a police officer, Jess, you can’t be living in the same house as her and living like this.
Jess: I need my sugar. I need it. The cravings are too strong.
Ru: I know, I know. But you need to start working past this. Where did you even get all these sweets, I thought you’d lost contact with your sugar dealer?
Jess: There’s a guy called Mark, I think he’s called the Sweet Parent, or is it the William Wonka of Chocolate river. We live in a place called Chocolate River, what chance have they got?
Ru: Oh dear, Jess. If it helps, I’ve been helping my friends cover up too. Some of them are also finding it tough to let go. I know I was born so much later than you guys, so it doesn’t affect me as much because I barely remember sugar being legal as I was so young, but some people are dealing with it, and I know you can too.
Jess: Yes, you’ve no right to lecture on this. You didn’t live through the sugar laws, and when it outlawed Halloween they rounded up ghosts and werewolves and vampires and made them give back their goody bags – it was terrible!
Ru: Ghosts and vampires were real then? I thought they were made up!
Jess: So did I, but loose fitting clothing never lies.
Ru: Jess, if you’re serious about this, there’s something I heard about that I wasn’t going to tell you, but if you really want to bring back the sugar and live out your dreams, you should probably know this…
Jess: Ooh, what is it! I’ve got something to tell you. Our mum used to speak about a show called Bake Off which took place in a marque, whatever one of those is, where contestants cooked.
Ru: Yes, I actually have seen it. my friend has these things called DVDs, and apparently people used to watch them all the time, and her family still have one of the old machines for playing them. Well they’ve got the boxset of Bake Off, and I saw a few episodes. They’re finding it difficult to adjust to the modern chocolateless ages too, but they told me about this opportunity. You absolutely cannot mention it to Meg, they need to keep it away from the police, but there’s this old lady who’s been on the run for nearly a decade, and she’s restarting the TV show.
Jess: Wow! How do I get in contact with this old lady.
Ru: Apparently, you have to go to Bakers Street up in London. There are three steps leading down to a berry coloured door, and if you knock in the pattern of “the great British bake off”, some people will let you in and lead you to the old lady.
Jess: You mean just off Baker’s street? Wow, I’m going right now! You’re so clever.
Ru: I’m coming with you. If there’s anything I’ve learnt so far it’s that you cannot keep yourself out of trouble. And we can’t tell mum about this, we just have to go.
Jess: Somebody needs to keep Meg and Mum away from the oven. I think you should stay, or else they’ll realise something is cooking.
Ru: By that point we’ll be long gone. Come on Jess, pack up your stuff and think of things to bake – there’ll be interviews and auditions, and you’ll have to be able to wow the judges.
The girls travel through the night and just off Baker’s Lane they find the door they’re looking for. Actually, it’s less of a door, more of a marque entrance…
BAKE OFF, THE MOVIE, PART i. Will the girls be granted access to that magical bake off world?