Welcome back to a sugar-laden finale of BAKE OFF THE MOVIE! When we last saw our Heroes they were admitted access into the Bake Off Tent where they met Bertie, a handyman who can do all sorts, and Alice Almond, the granddaughter of Mary Berry. They had to make the Egyptian Pyramids from sugar. Our heroes are now having a Celebration because they’re through to the final round.
Bertie: [steps forward] The final challenge is a Halloween themed one. Based on the classic toffee apples, but we don’t have any apples… we have the secret ingredient… PUMPKINS! So, get coating. Points will be given for appearance, toffee quality and shininess. Wishing you all the best on the stickiest of all challenges!
Jess: I can’t believe it’s already the finals! It’s so weird from the cherry door we were at a few weeks ago, that we are now actually competing in the televised (on FoodTube anyway) finale of the Great British Bake Off!
Ru: Yes, it will be even better if we win it though. We just have to beat Ben and Amelia, but I really want to get this right! Do you know any good toffee recipes?
Jess: I don’t, no, but I can always get some though, the stickier the better, right.
Ru: Very true. I want to win though and we’ll be disqualified if we use anything but the ingredients they’ve got! I think I remember an old recipe for toffee though, so just follow my lead!
Jess: But you’re not wearing one!
Ru: There’ll be plenty of time for jokes when we win.
Amelia: You won’t be winning. Sorry to break it you.
Jess: We will SO win! You are not very sweet, are you Amelia?
Alice: Friends, Bakers, Competitors, lend me your ears! We’ve got our special surprise judge in the house.
Bertie: EVERYBODY, YOU KNOW HIM FROM SEVERAL FILMS WITH TOM CRUISE, HE IS A RELATION OF PAUL HOLLYWOOD, PLEASE WELCOME (but don’t look at) BRUCE HOLLYWOOD. [No one, reacts]
Bruce: Ladies, gentlemen, people, please, not all at once. My first words are a wrap. Stick to the task at hand.
Ben: Some of us are literally sticking to it! [his hand is caught in the toffee]
Ru: Who is that guy and why is he wearing sunglasses inside a tent?
Jess: Shh, he’s famous! I think he’s like a big star or something in the cake world. A star in the cake galaxy, if you like.
Alice: Yes, don’t you know him, the Imitation Meringue Nest, made teeth fall out all over the country he was so sweet in it.
Amelia: I went out of my milky way to see it. And it was so good, I had a Celebration.
Alice: He’ll be one of our judges for the finale, so really make sure your toffee pumpkins have that wow factor, because it needs to impress a big star of Hollywood, Bruce Hollywood.
Bruce: Did somebody say my name? [Clapperboards go off] Scene two is finished.
Ru: [whispers to Jess] He’s a bit mad, we’ll have to make sure we have some crazy cakes to impress him.
Bruce: Could you get baking? It’s after eight!
Hours pass, and the three teams of contestants put their sweat and tears into the cakes – hopefully not affecting the taste too much!
Amelia: [Runs up to Alice] Oh no, my toffee’s too thick, the pumpkin won’t dip into it!
Alice: Are you saying you forfeit?
Amelia: No, I’ll give it one more try. Don’t worry, it will go, and it will be the most scrumptious thing you’ve ever tasted. [She hurries back to baking table, and pushes pumpkin down] OWWWWWW! THE TOFFEE IS HOT! IT’S ALL OVER THE TABLE! Get some victoria sponge to mop it up! My arm is all blistered and burnt!
Bruce: That’s gross.
Bertie: I’m afraid, for health and safety reasons, we cannot allow you to continue. Please go to the sherbet tent for medical attention. Your wounds will be wrapped in marzipan.
[Amelia runs of crying.]
While the apple dipping is bobbing along nicely, until…
Ben: NOOO! I picked up a marrow! Why do you have such a large selection of vegetables? I’ve picked up a marrow, I’ve picked up a marsh-marrow!
Bertie: You’re time is up. Please place your toffee pumpkins on the judging table.
Ben: [Marrow rolls off and hits the floor] My marrow is too narrow!
Alice: Well, since there’s only one item on the judging table, I suppose we are only judging this… It shouldn’t be too difficult to pick a winner! [Police storm in] Oh no, the police! They’re going to fudge this up!
Bruce: They’re probably just here for my autograph. Or they’re hungry. Scene three.
Police: There’s some illegal activity going on here.
Alice: We weren’t baking, officer. Don’t be such a jammy dodger!
Ru: Yeah, you old jaffa cake.
Bruce: Can’t we be marshmellow about this whole thing?
Police: We are putting this whole tent on lockdown. No one is permitted to leave or enter the premises. We will intercept all your food deliveries as they’re coming in, so we can arrest the appropriate sources of the sugar as well.
Bruce: So I guess we can’t be marshmellow or ice-cream chilled about this.
Police: And your stretched liquorzine is on double yellow custard lines!
Bruce: This is an outrage! You’ll have a haribo ring from my lawyer, Mrs Lolly, about this! She will freeze this stupid activity! [Police’s blackberry rings] Wow, that was fast, I wasn’t expecting Mrs Lolly to get in touch that quickly! She’s a real stick in the mud for business!
Police: [Into blackberry] … Yes… Oh, oh right… Are you sure, Mrs Prime Minister?… Yes… Yes, of course… I’m very sorry. I’ll await your arrival. [Hangs up. After wiping the blackberry juice off, he addresses] The Prime Minister is on her way to take control of the situation. No body pander to her.
Prime Minister: [Enters] I was so entertained by this webseries of Bake Off, I am going to change the entire law! [Ru looks at Jess, Alice looks at Bertie and Bruce looks at Ben, all for dramatic effect]. Sugar. Is. Legal. And so, Bake Off no longer has a need to hide away in the shadows!
Ru: Jess! You did it! You changed the world with sugar and food! We’ve got an interview in the morning with Vernon Tooth DeCay. [Her and Jess fist bump. Prime Minister eats winning toffee pumpkin].
Ladies and gentleman, please thank Alice Almond… It was Mary Berry all the time! Wow, she looks good for 90! Please thank your righteous directors and sugar creators, the sweetest of people, Chris and Siri! WOO! The Great British Bake Off has changed the world as we know it. Thank you to everybody for sticking with us, and we’ll see you again very soon for Mundanevision. Happy Halloweeeeeeeen!