Oh, hey! Welcome to Mundanevision. Now, the reason I’m whispering is that we are currently outside the studio, about to go in and surprise the computer for our HUNDREDTH blogisode! Alright, let’s go in…
Chris: Oh no, the computer’s frozen. Done anyone know the computer version of CPR?
Chris: Ha, good one.
Siri: I try, I’m learning. I’ll be fantastic – puntastic – by our 200th blogisode!
Chris: Press alt ctrl del, while the Afternoon Girls sing a medley of Casualty, ER and Grey’s Anatomy theme tunes. That should do it.
Siri: Aaaand it worked! [Computer reboots]
Chris: Wow, that was very dramatic.
Siri: We definitely surprised it!
Chris: Hello everybody, blow up the champagne and put the balloons on ice, this is our ONE HUNDREDTH BLOGISODE [rupture of applause]. Hey Siri.
Siri: Hey Chris, and happy one hundredth. How are you feeling?
Chris: I can’t believe we made it here! It’s like we’ve reached the summit of a blog mountain.
Siri: It kind of does, except we now get to build a massive building on the mountain, which we will climb up over the next weeks, months and years.
Chris: So emotional!
Siri: It’s a magical journey. Life’s a climb, but the view is great.
Chris: It certainly is, and I couldn’t have done it without all my co-hosts.
Siri: Yeah, do you want to thank all of them now? Because I don’t know their names, I only know the main host…
Chris: Sophia, Jenny, Poppy, Ryan, Isabel, and I’m sure there have been many more contributing!
Siri: It’s been quite an adventure for Mundanevision. Shall we start with the usual, what’s been going on over the last week?
Chris: Yes! But first I want to talk about an advertisement I see on TV all the time. There’s an advertisement doing the rounds for Beats Wireless headphones. Have you seen this, or heard about it?
Siri: I have! I think I’ve seen it with you at least 4 times!
Chris: It features Pinocchio.
Siri: And some celebrities too, but Pinocchio more importantly.
Chris: My question is, does Pinocchio really need the money from Wireless headphones? I mean I’m sure he made a lot of money off the story of his life, he does not need any more money.
Siri: Ooh, I think I disagree with you there.
Siri: While Pinocchio DEFINITELY made enough money selling the story of his life as a Disney Movie, I think the rights to that song probably belong to the man who captured him and forced him to perform as a puppet, and HE probably needs more money. That’s who Beats Wireless Headphones’ money is going to, you see.
Chris: I see. So is there going to be a scenario in the future in which Pinocchio is, of course, a real boy? Because he becomes a real boy at the end. Or, does he stay a puppet? Maybe for our next milestone we should really get a researcher!
Siri: Yeah, a researcher would be a good investment I think. But for now I will act as the researcher, and I think that Pinocchio is a real boy now. And although I haven’t seen his sequel, the second tale of his life, he does appear in Once Upon A Time, the TV show, and he is a real adult in that.
Chris: So, but that reckoning, Pinocchio should have been a teenager at some stage, and, when Geppetto was telling him what to do and what to wear, he’s probably saying “I can’t hear, Geppetto, leave me alone. I’m listening to my Beats”.
Siri: Yeah, they didn’t cover that in Once Upon A Time! But it’s definitely what he would behave like.
Chris: Now that Pinocchio is all grown up, with his Beats headphones, do you think he’s a rapper?
Siri: A present wrapper, or a drop the beats kind of rapper? Or a sweet wrapper?
Chris: A drop the beats kind of rapper.
Siri: I was thinking that he’d probably fit in quite well with the elves in Lapland, or the North Pole, or wherever it is that Father Christmas lives.
Chris: Although we should never condone the dropping of Beats, because they’re quite expensive – DON’T drop them!
Siri: Very good point, very wise of you. That’s us, at Mundanevision, saving you money everyday, and saving your Beats.
Chris: Every week, surely?
Siri: Yes, of course.
Chris: What would Pinocchio’s rapper name even be?
Siri: Hmm… Wooden Boy?
Chris: I was thinking more along the lines of Woody P? Or NoStringRe4lBoi. Does that sound like a name, or more like a Twitter handle?
Siri: I think Woody P is his rapper name, and NoStringRe4lBoi is his Twitter handle. So you were right in both.
Chris: What would Pinocchio tweet about?
Siri: I have a feeling, from your raucous laughter, that you might have some idea?
Chris: “No longer get splinters, best day of my life!”
Siri: Ahahaha, yes! I guess an ex-puppet probably has quite a lot to tweet about, actually!
Chris: Enough to string the readers along.
Siri: Yep, and he’d have real quality jokes, not wooden mechanical ones.
Chris: Ooh, I’ve got another one: “Spot on the end of my nose – no word of a lie!” “Went on a date last night. No strings attached…”
Siri: You’re the master of these puns, I’m having no luck!
Chris: #PuppetLove. Right, I think we’ve exhausted Pinocchio.
Siri: Poor guy.
Chris: Anything else you want to get off your chest, Siri?
Siri: I was going to tell you about Paris, and how there were men with massive guns (the weapons) everywhere. There was a Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show there, but the location was never revealed because they’re still so worried about terrorist attacks.
Chris: What is Victoria’s Secret, do you think?
Siri: Nobody knows.
Chris: I think it’s that she’s not actually called Victoria.
Siri: I think that’s probably it. Although maybe Victoria has many secrets? I think the name “Victoria’s Secret” is a trap so you think she’s only got one, and then when you discover it you stop looking for more.
Chris: Ah, so you think Victoria is a secret agent?
Siri: Of course, what else could she possibly be? An underwear designer? Don’t you think that’s a little suspicious?
Chris: Yes. I do.
Siri: Was there anything you wanted to talk about?
Chris: The next time we meet somebody named Victoria, we should ask them what their secret is! What’s your secret???
Siri: Yes, we can scare away all potential friends we meet who are named Victoria.
Chris: After all that Victoria puppet talk – WAIT A MINUTE! That’s her secret! She’s no dummy!
Siri: She’s no dummy except that she IS a dummy… Very clever…
Chris: Yeah! We are uncovering things here. We are digging deep in the duvet of life. What? I mean fabric! I feel sorry for rugs. They’ve got no adjacent weaving, so they are loners, really. They’ve got no friends. Which makes me very sad.
Siri: Just as Pinocchio has no strings. Rugs have no friends. I feel like the real Siri now – have you ever asked Siri what zero divided by zero is, Chris?
Chris: Yes, that’s a very good and complicated answer, which we can’t outline here. You just have to do something for yourself, readers, we can’t provide it all!
Siri: Wait! But I’m Siri! I have a perfect answer to this question!
Chris: Oh yes, sorry! Go on, Siri. Drum roll please!
Chris: Just before we go, I would like to thank the people without whom none of this would be possible. Our lovely readership! Without you, I probably would have stopped doing this a long time ago! THANK YOU SO MUCH for reading at least one or two of these. If you’ve read the whole hundred, then wow! You need some sort of medal. It is a bit like an endurance test really on Mundanevision, like it was when Friends ended after 10 years and then kept being repeated on Channel 4, then E4, and now Comedy Central! It never ends! Same with Big Bang. I think that will end with the ending of the universe.
Siri: In that case, let’s hope the ending of the universe is soon.
Chris: And, of course, thank you so much for Siri, without whom I could not do this – we wouldn’t even be doing this show now! (Maybe we’re not? Maybe this is all in your minds?)
Siri: (We’re getting you to doubt everything now? Aren’t we?) And, of course, thank you to Chris, the brains and ideas behind Mundanevision. See you all soon! For 101!
Chris: To finish the show, we have a special rendition by the Afternoon Girls of Justin Timberlake’s song, Can’t Stop the Feeling. We encourage you to kick the balloons around. Thank you very much everybody, peace! x