Answers to Music’s Greatest Questions


There have been a lot of unanswered questions in pop and rock music over the years: are we human or are we dancer? That’s not my name. Do you ever feel like a plastic bag? Should I stay or should I go? I will now attempt to answer these burning questions and a few more in this poorly compiled word document…

Who let the dogs out? [Baha Men]

Dear Mr Men, the answer to this was provided by Britney Spears in 2000, when she confessed ‘Oops, I did it again’. The solution to this is simple: in the future,k eep your dogs away from Britney!When she says she wants to go to the pound, please decline for your own safety and sanity.

Who’s going to stop the rain? [The Beatles]

Dear remaining Beatles, you asked in one of your songs who is going to stop the rain. The answer was provided a few years later by the Beach Boys when they sang “God Only Knows”. In the meantime, may I suggest an umbrella for your protection?

Where are all the good men gone, and where are all the gods? [Bonnie Tyler]

Dear Miss Tyler, The Proclaimers have the answer to your query. They are on their way – although they do live in Scotland, so it might take a while!

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag? [Katy Perry]

Dear Miss Perry, Personally, I never feel like a plastic bag. However, I believe Green Day have claimed that they feel like another shopping receptacle, though, in their 1994 song Basket Case.

Should I stay or should I go? [The Clash]

Dear Clash (not to be confused with Slash, from Guns and Roses), We believe that this question was answered by Wham!, when they told you to wake them up before you go go. Such needy people!

Is this the real life? [Queen]

Dear Mr Mercury, You posed the question “is this the real life, or is this fantasy?” in your legendary hit Bohemian Rhapsody. However, with today’s social networks and online identities, who can tell? I think Avril Lavigne encapsulates our opinion in her song Who Knows.

Are we human or are we dancer? [The Killers]

Dear Mr Flowers, I believe Rag’n’Bone Man has helped you out this year, when he answered your question “are we human, or are we dancer?”. I can now definitively reveal that we are human. Thank you, Mr Bone Man.

Did you sail across the sun? [Train]

Dear Train, We hope we’re talking to you and not replacement bus service. I believe that while nobody has sailed across the sun, Smash Mouth has been walking on the sun! However, we advise caution with this endeavour, or lots of sun cream and shoes. Bastille has recently warned us that Icarus has been flying too close to the sun (again) – have you seen him? Did you pass him on your way?

Why does it always rain on me? [Travis]

Dear Travis, You asked why it always rains on you. Regrettably, to my knowledge no other rock artist has answered this. However, we advise caution, because due to global warming you’re going to get a lot more rain. Phil Collins wishes it would rain down on him, and Selena Gomez says that she’s experienced a year without rain, so think of them and feel Lucky, Travis. And stop hogging the rain.

Why does my heart feel so bad? [Moby]

Dear Moby, You posed the question “why does my heart feel so bad?”. Spare a thought for Scouting for Girls, whose heart actually skips a heartbeat. This means that they are suffering from angina, which is a real medical condition. You appear to be suffering from heartburn, which can be easily fixed.


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