Hey guys! We already know that people like WordPress to read people’s opinions in a well-structured format, but if you like hearing two people’s opinions (and a silent animal) in that same well-structured format, you’ve come to the right place. Welcome to… Mundanevision.
Chris: Hey Siri.
Siri: Hey Chris, how’s your day been going?
Chris: Well, I will get this out of the way first… Something just happened with me and Amazon!
Siri: Does it have anything to do with the sloth, and his original home? (The Amazon)
Chris: No, I’m talking about the website that provides people with anything from kettles to biographies of Lord Kitchener. Yes, people, I have a life outside this blog. I’ve written a book of short stories, called Big Dreams Short Stories. It will be up on Amazon shortly, in just 72 little hours it will be there for public viewing.
Siri: Wow! What’s it about, Chris?
Chris: It’s a book of short stories, shockingly, so if anybody wants to see another extracurricular activity of mine, outside the confines of the Mundanevision Studio, then they should check it out!
Siri: Well, from the sloth and me, and I’m sure all our readers too, congratulations!
Chris: Thank you, thank you. I’m here all week.
Siri: 2017 may not be great so far, but let everyone know that not only is today the day that Trump’s ban on immigrants was blocked, but ALSO, MORE IMPORTANTLY, the day that Chris’s first book was released!
Chris: Who let the town cry into the studio? The bell is very distracting.
Siri: Hahaha, it must have been Sloth, up to his usual mischief.
Chris: Oh, that sloth.
Siri: So, what else is going on Chris?
Chris: Well, it’s Friday.
Siri: A pretty unusual Mundanevision day. That’s my bad.
Chris: Well I had to phone in sick and get on with my book launch. And yes, I’ve blasted a copy up into space already!
Siri: The most important launch of the millennium.
Chris: The ISS boys do get awfully bored on that space station, with nothing to read, so you’re welcome, NASA!
Siri: Yes, to quote the legendary Disney Hit, Moana, What can we say except you’re welcome, for the wonderful world you know. All thanks to Chris, I’m sure.
Chris: Oh, stop it! I can’t believe I referred to the astronauts on the International Space Station as the ISS boys! Sounds like one of the cheesiest 90s boy bands ever!
Siri: At least you didn’t say Boyz with a zed!
Chris: It sounds like they’re so famous that their music is intergalactic.
Siri: That sounds like a magnificent boy band. Next lauch we should send them some instruments?
Chris: Sloth, can you get on that please? No, NO, not the double bass, it’s very cramped up there – have you seen their living conditions?
Siri: I bet the ISS Boyz are especially successful because of how different music must sound when you’re basically in a vacuum with low gravity.
Chris: I have to say, I was really sad when Tim Peake left the band. Speaking of fictional music groups, I now want to talk about a modern pop song I heard this week.
Siri: Oh yes, which one?
Chris: It was already a bad start when I said ‘modern pop song’. It is called “I Would Like” by Zara Larsson. I have a problem with the lyrics. The lyrics state that she sees a person in a club and she wants to get under his sexy body. What happened to dating? Are they skipping that part?
Siri: I guess she doesn’t care about them emotionally. It sounds like she’s saying what she means – that all she wants is to get under their sexy body?
Chris: I still think they should have set aside some time for courtship – unless he’s fallen on top of her in some freak accident.
Siri: This isn’t the 1700s anymore. There’s no such thing as courtship. You see someone you like, and BANG.
Chris: You’re under their sexy body. And how can she tell anyway? Does she have x-ray vision?
Siri: Maybe it’s a strip club? Maybe they are naked? You don’t need x-ray vision in that scenario.
Chris: If you’re talking about strip clubs, I hope it’s one of those clubs where you strip wallpaper off walls.
Siri: THAT IS THE GREATEST IDEA FOR A BUSINESS I HAVE EVER HEARD. You tell people that it’s a strip club, and then they come in and help you redecorate your house!
Chris: Yes, that’s exactly what I meant. As it Valentine’s Day on Tuesday, I want to appeal to young people who might be thinking of taking their girlfriend/boyfriend/partner out for a meal, or to the cinema to see the film. Do this. I encourage this. DON’T just get under their sexy body like Zara Larsson seems to do.
Siri: I, as an asexual person, would ALWAYS recommend watching ALL the movies, and eating ALL the food, and never getting under their sexy or unsexy body.
Chris: No, surely it needs to be a sexy body, and how skinny is the person that you could just slide under it. No, don’t get up, I’m coming! And before all the young people write in and tell me that I’m old and boring at 35, I would just like to say that… I am old and boring, at 35. And this is for entertainment purposes only!
Siri: I think I win, I’m old and boring at 21! That is a poor age to be old and boring at!
Chris: This is like the opposite of Top Trumps! What is the opposite of Top Trumps?
Siri: Bottom Trumps? Bottom Clintons?
Chris: Bottom Clintons.
Siri: *cries internally*
Chris: The Clintons must be really happy that they’ve been mentioned on Mundanevision! Anyway, that’s the end of the talk on bodies. Siri, would you like to rant about everything with no apparent end?
Siri: No, I’m pretty rant-free today. I’ve got a fun Valentine’s Day lined up – games night and pizza, what could be better?
Chris: Oh cool! The Lego Batman Film looks so good!
Siri: We’ll be watching the Princess Bride at home. Or whatever they feel like. As they wish.
Chris: Are you calling me the Dread Pirate Roberts?
Siri: Always. But yes, a lot of good films seem to be coming out soon. Our favourite over here in the Mundanevision Studios, Greta Gerwig, has a lot going on. She must be wearing down her shoes walking red carpets at the moment!
Chris: I can’t wait to see Batman. They are building up the hype.
Siri: Oh, I get it. Building, because they are building lego blocks!
Chris: And there’s a film about the Holocaust that I really want to see.
Siri: Yes, Denial. I really want to see that too.
Chris: Maybe we should go and see it together? Sorry guys, we are just organising our social calendars over here!
Siri: Sorry for not inviting you.
Chris: Bodies and social calendars are the main topics you can take away from this blogisode.
Siri: Well, the two secondary topics, I think. After your book!
Chris: And, with that, it’s the end people! Thank you for putting up with my rants, people, and we will see you all next week. Siri, anything to add?
Siri: Yes, go and see some films, and let us know how they are, and what fun Valentine’s day plans you’ve got!
Chris: Right, I’m off to court a lady from the 1700s! Peace.