The Shortages Adventure

Hello, before we start this week’s blogisode, I would like to read an unprepared statement on behalf of myself, Esther and the sloth. Dear Reader, we would like to extend our deepest regret that many of you if not all of you, in the past week, have been forced to put up with shortages of KFC chicken, KFC gravy and now a possible Cadbury’s chocolate shortage. We would like to reassure our loyal followers and fans that in this mad topsy turvy world, we here at Mundanevision will never run out of words and will provide you with a constant stream of entertainment over the next few weeks which will hopefully make these shortages easier to cope with. Thankyou and enjoy this week’s blogisode. 

Chris: Hey Esther

Esther: Hiya Chris, you ok?

Chris: Yes thankyou. I think our statement at the beginning of this week’s blogisode is quite an important one. Not that I like to blow my own trumpet or bang my own tambourine, or play my own violin, other musical instruments are available. *insert the musical instrument of your choice here*.

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Esther: Yes me too, limited access to Cadbury’s is genuinely concerning…

Chris: It is. What is Bridget Jones going to comfort eat now?

Esther: Two words. Ben and Jerry.

Chris: Are they any relation to Tom and Jerry? Maybe distant cousins? Or uncles?

Esther: I really hope not – cat and mouse flavoured ice cream doesn’t appeal to me much.

Chris: So I really think we should handle this KFC chicken crisis, because it is a crisis. Never mind Brexit or anything else, I think this is where we should be focusing our attention. I think this chicken shortage after finding out during the week that Nando’s are not the culprits, has been perpetrated by the characters in Aardman and Mason’s Chicken Run, who have somehow survived the fire in their warehouse and have cunningly blamed DHL.

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Esther: I love that film – “they’re not plotting, they’re not scheming, THEY’RE NOT ORGANISED!!!”. Well Mrs Tweedy, KFC begs to differ.

Chris: They are probably on the run in a KFC delivery van as we speak. So if you see any KFC or DHL delivery vans when out and about, just pretend to be stranded on the side of the road and hopefully they’ll stop for you.

Esther: Maybe it could be the beginning of a Chicken Run sequel – before Ginger and her friends save themselves from a pie crust fate, and now they are escaping from the wrath of the special recipe chicken.

Chris: Yes but I was thinking this original recipe is not really original now, it must have been photocopied so many times. Therefore it is no longer original.

Esther: Perhaps that’s how Ginger and the chickens escape, by stealing the original recipe and anonymously sending it to all the other fast food restaurants – before you know it, they’ll be an original recipe McChicken Sandwich, and an original recipe Chicken feast pizza at Dominos.

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Chris: Maybe there is a scene in this sequel where they meet the hamburgler who had stolen the original recipe and hands it over to the chickens. If you photocopy the original recipe, then it loses power, it’s like the Ring.

Esther: ah well that’s the scheme of the chickens – they must weaken Colonel Sanders by photocopying before they can destroy KFC.

Chris: But wait, I’ve thought about the ultimate plot for the movie, which you know will undoubtedly be made based on this crisis. People love epics, they love Lord of the Rings, so why can’t we have Frodo taking the last piece of KFC chicken in the world to be barbequed in the fires of Mordor. All the while, having to dodge the evil Colonel Sanders.

Esther: Colonel Sanders can be the equivalent of Gollum. The power of the KFC bucket has driven him to insanity, and he sits in a damp, squalid cave in search for that last piece of KFC chicken, aka his ‘precious’.

Chris: And on the past piece of chicken, carved onto the bucket is the inscription ‘one piece of chicken to satisfy them all, one chicken to feed them, one chicken to bring them all and this is why we breed them’

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Esther: This really sounds like something special – I definitely think Aardman should work to create a KFC/LOTR inspired movie franchise. I feel certain Ginger would make an awesome epic protagonist.

Chris: No you should never ginger on original recipe chicken, it’ll taste terrible. Can’t we combine the shortages somehow – what about if on the way to Mordor, they stumble upon the last piece of chocolate, swimming in the final pot of gravy?

Esther: This is where details are key – what kind of Cadbury’s chocolate are we talking? Dairy Milk? Fruit and Nut? Oreo? Or something really out there like Bournville – it’s all in the details…

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Chris:  I don’t know but I’m picturing a scene where Ginger, our hero, has to wait until the morning to continue her journey because it’s getting dark. In the darkness, she hears Wispas.

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Esther: This sounds like a budget horror movie – a plasticine chicken being spooked in the darkness of the mountains by chocolate bars?! Forgot horror movie it just sounds like a cheese-induced dream.

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Chris: They also have to ascend the toblerone peaks and catch a Double-Decker bus.

Esther: This really has taken an odd turn. I hate to be a spoil sport but I really can’t imagine the local council’s bus timetable is very reliable when it comes to Toblerone peaks. For one thing, if it’s a bit warmer than usual, I can imagine the chocolate road surface would be next to useless!

Chris: Well you are the international woman, and it was your day yesterday, so maybe we should stop here.

Guys, we be may facing food shortages currently but there is no shortage of entertainment here on Mundanevision. If there was one thing I would like you to take away from this week’s blogisode, it is that a chocolate road system would just be unfeasible. Peace 

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Daytime TV Adaptations

Hey people of the Internet! My evil plan has come to fruition… it seems to be snowing everywhere, so we seem to have a captive audience for this week’s blogisode on Mundanevision. Let’s make it a good one…

Chris: Hey Esther

Esther: Hey Chris! Enjoying the snow?

Chris: Yes it’s great! I have built a snowman and everything. Apparently Alec Jones is lurking around hoping to sing Walking In The Air.

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Esther: You have to make a snowman when it snows, it’s practically law. Or any snowman equivalent, like an igloo, or snowdog, etc etc.

Chris: I wonder if there’s any snow lawyers around that practise snow law. They would have to go into work, surely.

Esther: Maybe its snow lawyers who sue people when you fall over in the snow. “Have you had an accident in the snow that wasn’t your fault?”

Chris: Haha no I haven’t, but for the purposes of this commercial I will pretend I have. “Yes, I was walking under a tree when an icicle came down and hit me on the shoulder, and I called Weather Warriors and they were more than happy to help me with my claim. They even turned by story into a Hollywood blockbuster which really melted the hearts of audiences everywhere.”

Esther: Obviously the Weather Warrior’s main clients are sueing non-human things, like trees, pavements, ice in the road.. I’m not sure you’d get much compensation from a pavement though.

Chris: Well Adele has been Chasing Pavements for years – maybe she works for the Weather Warriors?

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Esther: That does make sense. It also explains why she wants to Set Fire to the Rain… she’s obviously had a bad experience with rain in the past.

Chris: She hasn’t succeeded in either of these ventures yet, but keep trying Adele. She could also run a dating agency, she’s always trying to find Someone Like You.

Esther: These Adele puns are deteriorating Chris, come on, you’re better than this.

Chris: Or they’re melting you might say, like the snow. Weather Warriors… sort it out!

Esther: Maybe we should move on from poor standard jokes about Adele’s songs… any suggested conversation topics, Chris?

Chris: Maybe we have discovered the next obsession in Hollywood: they would make films based on those Lawyers4U ads. Then Sir Ridley Scott can direct actual saga adverts which will be sagas.

Esther: It will be a whole new era of genre within Adaptation Hollywood. Real life compensation stories… although I feel like after a couple of films, they might get a bit monotonous.

Chris: Yes but they will rake in the money. I mean, come on, if a film about a black Panther can take the world by storm, anything can happen. We’ve even got Peter Rabbit coming out soon, so that will be two animal related stories. What’s next? Lemurs?

Esther: Well we’ve had Pandas and the whole Kung Fu Panda franchise was pretty huge. We could have Lemurs in Leotards as the next huge movie franchise, sounds pretty cool to me.

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Chris: Yes, a lemur in a leotard, I agree. Lemurs in Leotards and the Golden Chihuahua. And before somebody tells me that that’s a rubbish film title, please bare in mind that a Hollywood movie machine can adapt anything.

Esther: Although there might be some animal rights issues raised about dressing lemurs in spandex. I mean it might have to be done with CGI to keep everyone happy.

Chris: They made Ant Man, I don’t see the problem. I’m assuming that’s an actual half Ant, half man right? Those crazy scientists.

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Esther: I don’t think they actually created a real half human half ant creature somehow…. that really would be an animal rights violation.

Chris: All these movies based on real events that Hollywood are making, it seems to be that people are going to the cinema to be educated and informed more and more now, and we want to live in the film, with all its crazy plot twists. Is that a little deep for this blog? Think about goldfish in motor cycle helmets instead.

Esther: Poor goldfish. I bet it would be a nightmare trying to get a motorcycle helmet on a goldfish, they’re so damn slippery.

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Chris: A motorcycle helmet is basically a bowl they can just swim around and around in.

Esther: Ah I understand. You see, I was picturing a goldfish sized motorcycle helmet, which makes far less sense.

Chris: No, no, no no. No goldfish sized motorcycle helmets, that would be silly. I think it would work as a franchise though. It is no less unbelievable than an Iron Man. I mean, wouldn’t he corrode in the rain?

Esther: And wouldn’t he be defeated by a giant magnet?

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Chris: Absolutely. Then Robert Downey Jr. would have to go back to starring in commercials about kids sized duvets!

Esther: That sounds good. Maybe one day he’ll do that anyway.

Chris: If a kid gets wrapped in one of his duvets and can’t get out, he could sue for an accident at work that was not his fault.

So guys, we are going to contact Weather Warriors, not for any particular reason, I just think it would be fun asking the operator for Weather Warriors. Oh, wait, no I think Alec Jones has just slipped on ice outside the studio window, “somebody get me their number!” See you next time, peace. 

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CSI Fast Food

Hey guys! Your weekly outlet of the strange and weird is here. Some call it therapy for the eyes, we call it the latest blogisode. Come with us on a journey…

Chris: Hey Esther!

Esther: Hiya Chris, how you doing today?

Chris: I’m good thankyou, do you realise that I’ve been doing this blog with various co-hosts for over three years now! If this is the Oscars, now would be the time to have a montage of my different co-hosts faces… but sadly this is not the Oscars. I must stop having delusions of grandeur.

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Esther: It would be at this point in Mundanevision’s career to receive a lifetime achievement award I’d say.

Chris: And I would make some big speech about how being sat at a computer, typing each week has changed my life, thanking everybody from my publicist to my manager, neither of which I have. I don’t need anybody.

Esther: I’d certainly argue that Sid the Sloth could be a form of publicist or manager, I mean he doesn’t really do a lot, but if you employ staff you’ll look like a bigger deal. If anyone asks, Sid’s my agent.

Chris: I have a secret agent and I’m not going to tell anybody who that person is. (“James, sit back down!).

Esther: Sooo subtle, Chris. Anyway, what weekly news or random stories have we got to talk about this week?

Chris: Seriously thanks everybody for the last three years, and thankyou to you Esther and also to Sid. It was Chinese New Year last week which we didn’t have time to talk about. It’s the year of the dog this year, which means if you are a dog it is a lucky year for you. And if you’re a dog called Lucky, you are incredibly lucky.

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Esther: Maybe for this year only, just as cats have nine lives, dogs get a bonus life… you know like on those rubbish apps where you get a bonus life to keep you playing.. a dog gets an extra chance at getting three candies in a row and bursting all the jelly on Candy Crush.

Chris: Cats get nine lives? That sounds like a day TV games show. ‘Welcome along to nine lives! The show where we challenge your pets to assess their intelligence.’

Esther: I’m a sucker for rubbish daytime TV that I can’t drag myself away from. This sounds right up my street.

Chris: Rather than applause from the audience, we just gets paws from all the pets… get it? Applause and paws…

Esther: Wow that’s a new low, Chris… maybe they could have celebrity specials where the celebrities have to complete challenges against their own pet to see who’s more intelligent…. if you got some reality TV stars on I don’t doubt that they could be outsmarted by a dog…

Chris: Esther’s views are the not the views of Mundanevision (disclaimer). Moving on from the Year of the Dog and Dog TV shows, let’s talk about KFC and how they’ve completely run out of chicken nationwide.

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Esther: I find it quite funny really, I think most people do. I mean it’s on the national news and stuff but I don’t think it’s really causing anyone too much distress or anxiety. I mean, no one is freaking out thinking ‘OMG where do I buy fast food chicken now???’ cause I’m pretty certain wherever there is a KFC there’s also a McDonald’s or Burger King not too far away.

Chris: I have a theory: conspiracy theorists listen up! This will be nationwide within a week. This has all been perpetrated by the customers and staff at Nando’s. Think about it, you strip the original recipe coding off, and you’ve got chicken that could easily be used at Nando’s. Now if KFC ever do recover from this, you buy a family bucket and on the front will have a miserable looking Colonel Sanders. What if some member of staff from Nando’s has tortured the Colonel to give up the secret original recipe. How long can it stay original and hidden?

KFC

Esther: That took a dark turn pretty fast… Mundanevision does not condone the kidnap or torture of any fast food chicken restaurants, and will officially make no comment on whether or not Nando’s is involved in the chaos occuring at KFC right now.

Chris: Maybe Ronald McDonald is moonlighting as a detective so he can hunt out the perpetrators. No one would ever suspect him, you would just think ‘He’s a clown, I can trust him’, and so you tell him all your secrets and then he arrests you.

Esther: I feel like Ronald McDonald would be involved for his own purposes. I mean maybe he’s looking for the original recipe for Chicken McNuggets? They’d be chicken McNuggets with the brand new and totally original/non-stolen original recipe.

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Chris: Maybe the hamburgler has stolen the original recipe from KFC. That’s why KFC is closed at the moment. Coming to a TV screen near you… CSI Fast Food.

Esther: I do love a criminal drama, although I’d definitely need some KFC to eat whilst watching it to satisfy my fast food cravings… oh no wait….

Chris: Ok, I admit that KFC for CSI is not a good title for a TV programme, but at least it would be moreish and keep you coming back each week. McDonald’s must be quaking in their boots, somebody must be gearing up to steal all the burgers. This conspiracy runs deep.

So just like Kentucky Fried Chicken, we have run out for this week. So we’re closing down for now. See you next week, peace. 

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It’s been three years… wow, thankyou!

Hey guys,

After Sunday’s blogisode, we went back online to check whether anybody liked our latest post (three people have, thankyou) and we realised that it has been three years since we started Mundanevision. Just wanted to say a big thankyou to everybody who has supported us and followed us over the last three years. It sure feels good to know that you  guys are out there reading our weekly blogisodes, thanks again!

We’ll be back for our usual weekly blogisode on Sunday. Peace

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McCheese Man

Hey everyone! It is mundanevision time again. We’re a word streaming service, so let’s stream some words…

Chris: Hey Esther, how are you?

Esther: Hiya, I’m not bad thanks how are you?

Chris: Well it’s Saturday again. My favourite day starting with ‘S’.

Esther: There’s no doubt in my mind that it beats Sunday. To be honest it could well be a contender for my favourite day completely!

Chris: I agree with you on that. Well there was nobody willing to pick up my Elon Musk perfume idea from last week, I thought Hollywood would have sniffed that one right out.

Esther: Well, they obviously don’t recognise an opportunity even if its right under their nose…

Chris: I would like to talk about Cheddar Man, which we didn’t get into last week. Apparently, he was lactose intolerant. A lactose intolerant cheese would have been difficult to make!

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Esther: Pretty awesome that they can work out roughly what he looks like from DNA which is thousands of years old.. although imagine being ‘Cheddar Man’ and not being able to enjoy the delights of Cheddar! Seems like a taunt to call him that really…

Chris: You’re absolutely right, his parents might have not liked him at all! I wonder if everytime cheddar man has an argument with his wife, he would say ‘Eeedam woman!’.

Esther: Do you think he was terrified of cheese graters? And mice I’d imagine too.

Chris: Cheese graters must have been like the mafia to him. If he didn’t repay them, they’d come round to your cave and starting grating.

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Esther: Now I’m imagining some combination of the Cheddar Man’s face and the little cheese string man that you see on the TV advert. Very weird…

Chris: Imagine if the mafia found out that he lived in a cottage made of cheese. So remember the next time you’re eating cottage cheese to lose weight, you’re actually eating the original home of the cheddar man.

Esther: You’d hope if he knew he was lactose intolerant that he wouldn’t live in a house made of cheese. That’s like being on a really strict diet where you live in an igloo made from Ben and Jerry’s.

Chris: He wasn’t the brightest of the little pigs. That’s why the wolf didn’t blow house down – cheese is a bit difficult to blow down really. The wolf would cry, “curd you cheese, curd you!”.

Esther: I wonder if he was called Cheddar man, maybe his wife with Cheddar Wife? He could have had cheddar children, and maybe a pet cheddar chinchilla.

Chris: In other cheese related news, McDonalds have announced they’re taking the Happy Meal cheeseburger off of the menu, with water instead of fizzy drinks. So parents obviously were not happy with that meal.

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Esther: Clearly that’s the case. In fact, many parents referred to it as the ‘Not satisfied with this product Meal’.

Chris: I hope you still get the toy in it. That’s almost as nutritious as eating the burger itself! The children though must be cheesed off..

Esther: I think I could accept having no cheeseburger option for a happy meal, but I don’t think I could accept not getting a toy. I mean that was basically the whole point! It’s like buying one of those horrible kid’s cereals so you can get the little toys they put inside, before discovering that they don’t include toys anymore!

Chris: I wonder if McDonald’s will embrace the whole culture of: ‘collect 5 tokens’ to win your toy! In fact, I think they should do that. Kid’s get things too much instantly these days. There’s Netflix, Now TV, Amazon all providing instant services – instant coffee must be really upset that they’ve all jumped on the bandwagon.

Esther: I see what you mean, except maybe don’t encourage kids to eat five McDonald’s before they win their toy – they might as well say, collect 5 tokens and win a special price in a lucky dip – obesity or diabetes! Maybe supermarkets should introduce the 5 tokens idea for the fruit – like have your five a day everyday for a whole week and we’ll give you a prize! I might as well be the health secretary with ideas like that…

Chris: Or maybe Mcdonald’s will give you the raw ingredients so you can cook it yourself at home!

Esther: If kids today are anything like I was, they won’t have the patience to cook and will end up eating raw beef or chicken out of impatience!

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Chris: So don’t do anything mentioned in this blogisode so far, don’t irritate Cheddar Man and definitely don’t eat raw McDonald’s ingredients. Surely the Cheddar Man’s children are mini cheddars, no?

Esther: Well yeah that makes sense! And when they’re born they should be Babybels, right?

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Chris: Absolutely, or maybe the babybel could be used on the front of his house, like a door bell.

Esther: Now I’m imagining a baby used as a doorbell…. If one ever got run over by a bus, would they become Philadelphia?

Chris: You’re getting cheese and geography mixed up. Oh wait, they already have been. They might as well have a cheese and call it Kentucky. Oh no wait, that’s Kentucky fried chicken.

Guys, if you enjoyed this streaming blogisode, please binge watch/read. We will see you for a new, exciting, thrilling blogisode with special effects next week! Peace. 

 

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Chariot pulling stagecoach

Mmm, this is really good cheddar man, it has aged really well. Oh hi guys! Sorry you caught us at a bad time there, we were hosting the pre-blogisode party. Sloth and Esther – put the nibbles down! We’ve got a blog to write…

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Chris: Hey Esther! I was quite enjoying our little pre-blogisode party. I see you’re still munching there.

Esther: I can’t help it! Once I get going with those cheese and crackers it’s too late to stop. I’m like a modern day, non-plasticine, woman version of Wallace…

Chris: We need to stop. We’ll continue after the blogisode. We’ve got a lot to cover today, including… mmm.. cheese. Oops so sorry. And some guy called Elon Musk, who launched a rocket into space, with a sports car in it. Why would you need a sports car? Its like when you see caravans towing cars on the road. One mode of transport at a time please.

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Esther: Yeah I’m with you on this. Only a billionaire who has money to waste would put an expensive sports car on the rocket when you literally could have put anything on the damned rocket! If it was me I’d have amused myself by maybe putting a rocket salad on the rocket. Then when it gets back you can be like, my food is so amazing, it’s literally been in space!

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Chris: I think we should launch our own rocket rival to his and launch a stagecoach into space attached to a chariot. It would make as much sense.

Esther: Also, if a rocket going into space makes the news, an orbiting stagecoach and chariot would definitely hit the headlines.

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Chris: Do you think it would be held up by space pirates?

Esther: Maybe. Maybe as part of the publicity for the stagecoach launch we could say that originally it was supposed to be a Great Western train attached to a chariot, but unfortunately there were a few complications so we’ve got a replacement bus service instead. That really would annoy the space pirates.

Chris: It would indeed. Even in space, things don’t run on time. Anyway, back to your point about the rocket in the rocket: would it be undressed rocket or dressed rocket? There’s so much mention of rocket in that sentence, it’s out of this world!

Esther: All I know is, the craze over exotic products like coconut oil and avocado butter means if we had food which had literally seen the whole universe, we could definitely overprice it and make millions. Maybe we should launch a range of rocket foods?

Chris: Great idea. We could have orbiting oranges, piloted by a courageous carrots with a side of alien avocados. I can this working!

Esther: Oooh sounds delicious… we just need to tell everyone it’s full of incredible antioxidants and vitamin Z 12 which can only be sourced in the depths of Venus. That sounds super exotic and should do the trick.

Chris: All you need is two words: space vitamins. Harry, get your cauliflower bursting with all natural space vitamins! Suitable for vegetarians, vegans and food fads that nobody has heard of yet, in case they make any new ones while we’re launching these products.

Esther: The time it takes to even go to space, you can be sure there will be a good few dozen new diets and lifestyles by the time we’ve got back.

Chris: When I first heard about Elon Musk launching a rocket into space, I thought how courageous it is that an aftershave can overcome his personal (bottle) barriers and even build a rocket. I mean how did he do it? It’s incredible and needs making into a film. I’ve heard his main competitor Chanel No. 5 has just announced that it will soon be releasing a rocket.

elon musk

Esther: Oh god, can you imagine the perfume adverts when they all start making rockets?! They’re awful enough already, now all those jaw drop

ping models will be looking lusty and strange in rockets. I admit I don’t think I’m looking forward to seeing them.

Chris: Well its a shame you said that. Because I’ve just come up with one in my head, or maybe its a trailer for the Elon Musk story. He was just an aftershave with a dream, he dreamed of being the first aftershave to connect a sports car to a rocket and launch it into space. You will laugh, you will cry, you will use him after shaving, women will think you’re out of this world!

Esther: Big question though, who would you get to star as Elon Musk?!

Chris: Probably Elton John, he’s already a rocketman…

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Esther: Can’t argue with that. I look forward to seeing this in my local cinema. Well I say ‘seeing’ this, I mean watching the trailer and then avoiding watching it until further notice.

Chris: We’re going to roll it out to planetariums too. Ok, sorry Elon, we know you are an actual billionaire with actual resources. Please don’t spy on us with drones attached to flying crocodiles.

Esther: Surely if that has been his name his whole life, he must have heard the aftershave jokes so many times. Fingers crossed he isn’t too offended, and doesn’t steal your Elon Musk the movie thing before you get a chance to copyright it.

Chris: All joking aside, the Elon Musk attaching things to other random things would be a gadget that made James Bond so much better. Can you imagine, James Bond’s laser pen, attached to a Pez dispenser? So when you pull back the head of the Pez dispenser, it shoots baddies. Or James Bond’s gun which is hidden inside the subway, “haha, Blofeld, I see you are suffering from indigestion after that heavy lunch you just had. It can be killer!”.

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Time is up guys, I am off to watch Blue Peter so I can work out how to build a rocket, expect our stagecoach to be on the news by this time next week. ‘Look there in the sky, is it a bird? Is it a plane? Why no, it’s a stagecoach being pulled by a chariot….’ See you next week guys, peace. 

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Wolverine meets Scissorhands: the sparks fly

Hey guys! It’s sunday, the day of rest but for us it is the day of typing on a keyboard, and hopefully amusing a few people! If you’re not amused by anything you read on this blog, there’s a number you can call.

Chris: Hey Esther! How are you?

Esther: Hiya Chris, I’m not bad thankyou, sleepily yawning through the Sunday daze. You?

Chris: I’m good thankyou because it is mundanevision time and if Hugh Jackman is the greatest showman, we are the greatest blogpeople.

Esther: Yes sounds good. Damn, whenever anyone even mentions that movie I end up with the songs in my head for the rest of eternity.

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Chris: I’m sorry, just let it go man, let it go.

Esther: “What if we re-write the stars….” oh wait yeah sorry I’ll try to let it go.

Chris: You see Elsa and the Frozen gang build a monopoly on songs that stay in people’s heads. Although, there is a frozen version of monopoly, so I guess they have monopoly on monopoly.

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Esther: Yep they certain have thought that through, I mean ‘Let it Go’ is applicable to so many situations that you end up singing it just for amusements sake. Although, I feel like ‘Do You Wanna Build a Snowman’ has a more specific demographic.

Chris: Yes, but even that fits in with global warming now. God, Disney are good, they even know about the weather before everyone else does.

Esther: Omniscient Disney. That’s a terrifying thought… like imagine instead of news tv shows we just have Disney characters telling us about important world events and doing the weather forecasts?

Chris: I wonder what a Disney news report on Brexit would be. Rather than Huey, Dewey and Louie, it’ll be Theresa, Boris and Jeremy.

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Esther: Weird. Although who knows, maybe three nephews of a famous imaginary duck have more of an understanding of Brexit than we do.

Chris: Of course they do, as it appears to be an imaginary concept currently. Anyway, on the subject of Brexit negotiations, I had a Brexit related dream this week. Would you like to hear about it?

Esther: Do you even need to ask? Do go on…

Chris: I dreamt that Theresa May, Boris Johnson, Donald Trump, Nigel Farage and Kim Jong Un were all on boats in the ocean. Theresa and Boris were in a catamaran, Farage was in a victory-style sailing ship, because that’s how boats used to be, Trump was in a leaky dingy but he was telling everyone how it was the “best boat folks, definitely the best boat”. Finally, Kim Jong was in a nuclear powered submarine. Maybe it is a good way of deciding policy nowadays, which boat gets to the island gets to decide on policy.

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Esther: If you think about it positively, I can’t say I like Trump’s chances to move anywhere fast in a dodgy dingy so it sounds like a better system.

Chris: Maybe it was political, or maybe it was just the new presenters of a Top Gear inspired boat show called ‘Top Boat’.

Esther: I still maintain that we should put all of the big characters of politics into a reality TV type situation. Who knows, people might actually start to watch Big Brother again if you’ve got Trump, Putin, Kim Jong Un, Boris Johnson and Nigel Farage all trapped together in one house.

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Chris: I think it would be a quite good if they were contestants of Strictly Come Dancing, and then the public could just vote them off.

Esther: This sounds like a very modernised take on democracy. You’d probably engage the youth vote more if they watched them on TV everyday. Also imagine if instead of Strictly judges who judged each contestant, you just had random members of the public judging. Think of the entertainment!

Chris: I kind of like the idea of Strictly judges, judging it. Would Craig really be brave enough to tell Kim Jong Un that his Paso Doble sucked? He might then go back to North Korea and pass a law that everybody has learn the Paso Doble so nobody shows the glorious leader up? Trump might send his nuclear missiles to the Strictly studio if he’s told he’s done something wrong, and he’ll say the scoring system is corrupt if he’s at the bottom of the table.

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Esther: What worries me most is I can actually picture Boris Johnson doing Strictly in a few years when he finally gives up with the politics. I mean, we saw Ed Balls doing Gangnam style a couple of years back, haven’t we suffered enough?

Chris: Also I would love to see Trump on masterchef, I bet his gingerbread cookies would be adorable. He would never burnt them because he doesn’t like black people.

Esther: No doubt if something wasn’t cooked properly or didn’t taste nice he’d find some dodgy excuse to blame it on Mexicans. Or women. Or muslims.

Chris: Or he would just tell you that the oven was a Mexican, muslim woman.

Esther: I mean that doesn’t make much sense, but at the end of the day it would be Trump saying this sooo.. when does anything he say make any sense?

Chris: On the subject of celebrities cooking, Wolverine would be amazing at the BBQ with those things on his hands. Can you imagine the amount of meat he could harpoon on his hands?

Esther: Him and Edward Scissorhands would be a force to be reckoned with at the family BBQ. I feel like that may be a movie in the future, who knows.

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Chris: Wolverine could rake and Scissorhands could do the landscaping.

Esther: I bet Scissorhands is a dab hand at making kebabs too…

Chris: Thing is, they wouldn’t be much good at a game of Rock, Paper, Scissors, because there’s no paper Superhero. Don’t get me wrong, there are paper thin backstories to some, but none who are actually made of paper.

Esther: Maybe that’s the twist to my Wolverine meets Scissorhands movie. Picture the BBQ, with Wolverine and Scissorhands completely bossing the whole burgers, kebabs, hot dogs sitch and then who comes round the corner? Why its paper boy!

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Chris: Can you imagine, paper boy would be awesome because he could cripple baddies with his mean paper cuts.

Esther: It doesn’t get more badass than that. I also like that Wolverine in particular has discovered a more placid, less violent side of life where the only use for his metal hands are as BBQ utensils.

Chris: Of course, by the time this movie has been made, paperboy will be out of date, everyone will be more interested in iPadman!

If you are affected by any of the issues raised in this blog, please read another one. See you next week, peace. 

 

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The Safe Horror Film Oscars

It’s the end of the week, but the start of another blogisode! Let’s get this thing started…

Chris: Hey Esther!

Esther: Hiya Chris, here we are again, another sunday mundanevision.

Chris: How observant of you, Sherlock. My god I actually thought you were Sherlock Holmes for a second, I’m not co-hosting with Benedict Cumberbatch, he’s not here, sorry guys.

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Esther: Shame. He’s pretty awesome.

Chris: He is pretty amazing, maybe we should co-host with him. Or at least, with the Benedict Cumberbatch action figure. We could put him on the desk and then look at him for inspiration.

Esther: Sounds like a plan! Or we could have a fancy portrait of him hanging on the wall, and we’ll feel like he’s watching over us always, like some kind of guardian angel.

Chris: Good idea, I was thinking more like he would solve the crimes of bad blogisodes!

Esther: He could do that too. Or we could just get a Sherlock Holmes hat and a magnifying glass for Sid the Sloth so he can impersonate Sherlock?

Chris: Ah, Sherlock sloth, at your service! He would do the same thing but really slowly. Can you imagine one episode of a BBC drama with Sherlock sloth would take up an entire box set! I’ve been watching this for 17 hours and Mrs Hudson is still no closer to pouring the tea. Will she ever? That is the real mystery.

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Esther: You’d end up watching the box set on 2X speed just to try and hurry along some action. Or maybe Sid could act as Sherlock’s pet, who comes along to crime scenes, drinks tea with him, behaves sociopathically with him… you get the gist.

Chris: I can actually see an advantage of ‘Sherlock Holmes starring a sloth’. Most boxsets are over too quickly. At least you would get your money’s worth.

Esther: Wow, sounds like Sid’s going to be busy. But he still has to come into mundanevision every week – don’t forget where you started, Sid!

Chris: I’m sure he won’t, I’ll remind him. I’ve got him a mundanevision t-shirt to wear, and I’m gonna leave creepy notes all over his house reminding him where he started.

Esther: Good plan, we can’t have Sid getting too big headed. Although I can’t really picture an arrogant sloth, they don’t strike me as the kind to think a lot of themselves.

Chris: Or they do, we just don’t see it for a loooong time. And if you ever wanted to pause the boxset, just hit the slow motion button, and the whole thing would basically stop.

Esther: This sounds pretty viable, maybe the BBC might consider this for the next series of Sherlock.

Chris: Sherlock Sloth. And it would win a lot of awards for the longest TV drama, and keep you on the edge of your seat, because you can’t move in case you miss something.

Esther: …I’m not sure the awards generally reward TV dramas depending on the length of the show… but maybe it’ll be such a success that it creates this category. Maybe there will be other shows which star slow animals that could be nominated for the longest TV drama… like Suits with a snail?

Chris: ah, yes. It could bring up a whole new generation of safe stunt men. You would jump off a building but really slowly. I bet health and safety would love the idea.

Esther: A new generation of safe TV production. No longer will David Hammond be risking his life in Top Gear, we only create safe shows now!

Chris: Can you imagine a whole genre of safe horror films? Oh don’t go into that creepy house where the electricity is out, you might trip down those perilously steep stairs!

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Esther: ‘You’re not going to walk under that creepy looking bridge, alone in the dark are you? The paving looks ever so uneven, you might hurt yourself!’.

Chris: ‘Have you been injured in a horror movie which wasn’t your fault? Call creepylawyers4u!’

Esther: Jigsaw in Saw VI, will no longer ask people to cut off limbs and other body parts to escape his chains, because ‘that’s very messy’, and ‘isn’t at all good for their blood flow’… instead they have to quickly swallow lots of vitamins, do some exercise and eat a salad!

Chris: Can you imagine that scene in Saw II where the detective asks Jigsaw where his son is? He say’s it’s ok because he’s in a safe place, the detective would be like ‘thanks Jig, that’s cool man, I was just checking.’

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Esther: Maybe safe horror films would be the government’s attempt at subliminal messaging. They’re trying to get people to avoid injury and illness, get healthy and exercise properly so why not start with doing this in safe horror films? Ingenious.

Chris: The biggest nightmare in Elm Street would be a traffic jam. “Sorry I’m late, the traffic was murder”. It really was in deadlock. Anyway, enough of this. The Oscar Nominations have been released this week. Which means people called Oscar must be really excited. Where’s our nomination? That’s it, I’m boycotting this year *strops*. We could be in an award for best blog on a Sunday.

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Esther:… again, I’m not sure you’ve got the best handle on the Oscar award categories, generally they don’t focus so much on the blogs, or what day of the week they’re posted. But, I suppose it is an option for the future.

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Chris: Oh, I’m sorry, they’re not the specific. In that case, I want cinema to win this year not specific films.

Esther: Don’t strop just because we haven’t been nominated. We are above the Oscars (our understanding is too deep for them).

Chris: If we have been nominated and there is a secret ballot, I am sorry Oscar.

Thankyou very much for reading/listening to this (future) award-winning blog, I’m off to find some red carpet to walk along with Esther and Sid… if you are a photographer please follow us and make us feel famous. See you next week, peace. 

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Prequel blogisode

Hey internet! *jazz hands* …sorry I saw the Greatest Showman last week and it seems to have rubbed off on me. The confetti canons are bit extravagant, but I look very dashing in my top hat! Anyway, we are back and it’s not even Sunday, what craziness! 

Chris: Hey Esther

Esther: Hey Chris, how you doing/dancing? The Greatest Showman really has rubbed off on you.

Chris: I’m going to interview Zac Efron later, for some synchronised drinking and dancing

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Esther: That sounds pretty good to me, I may tag along to that as it sounds like my kind of evening…

Chris: You and the sloth are invited. We will do it all in some sort of montage.

Esther: Maybe we could do a flash mob style dance on the way home, I always thought they looked pretty cool.

Chris: I’ve always wondered about the term ‘flash mob’ is it being attacked by the mafia really quickly? For instance, how would Peaky Blinders’ Thomas Shelby fare against a flash mob?

Esther: Well if Peaky Blinders teaches us anything, Tommy will probably trick the flash mob for his own advances before too long..

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Chris: Would he join in and decide to choreograph they’re latest extravagant dance?

Esther: Wait, so you’re thinking of a mob doing a dance really quickly? Ah I get it now. I mean I’m less concerned about the welfare of Tommy Shelby, and quite relieved to hear he wants to get involved in choreography.

Chris: Well, he has to do something else, there’s no money in gang warfare anymore. Or maybe there is, maybe that’s the point.

Esther: Maybe dancing is his stress release. Just imagine, Tommy and his family are hugely at risk of attack by the Changrettas, and to blow off some steam the Shelby’s emerge out of the smoke of Small Health and do a synchronised flash mob down the road.

Chris: Can you imagine Al Capone doing the two step? Not so scary now, are you Al. He had the right shoes for it now I think about it.

Esther: ‘Peaky Blinders: The Musical!’ coming soon to a theatre near you.

Chris: Before I watched it, I always thought Peaky Blinders was about an ill gang in Birmingham, cause they’re feeling a bit peaky.

Esther: Well as the teenagers of today would say: it is a sick show!

Chris: Yes I’m not sure I understand that expression ‘sick’, do they mean the whole of television is just ill?

Esther: I don’t think that’s what they mean but to anyone over the age of 17, thats what people think they mean! Hopefully the phrase will blow over soon enough..

Chris: A bit like the fidget spinner, or the loom band craze. For those of you who have never heard of the loom band craze, it’s not the latest boy band put together by Simon Cowell!

Esther: Ah yes, nostalgia. They were such a craze when I was at school, people used to wear hundreds of them all up their arms! If I’m honest I’m ok with that craze having died out..

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Chris: You know what I found out about the other day? The Spice Girl’s sticker album! Apparently you could collect Spice Girls doing different poses on stickers and fill up a book with them. Ah the 90s, it was an innocent time.

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Esther: What is it about girl/boy bands and their adoring fans? I remember when Take That broke up and there was a suicide line for their fans!

Chris: Same with the end of Harry Potter, there was a suicide line that opened when J.K. Rowling stopped writing the books! I don’t even want to imagine what will happen when Games of Thrones. For me a celebration, but for the millions of fans, probably a new brand of the Samaritans.

Esther: People are really committed to their franchises. Maybe we need a mental health charity devoted to helping people struggling through a break-up? And when I say break-up, I mean when their favourite book/tv/movie series ending…

Chris: You know what else people are committed to? Prequels. People love a prequel, in fact I think the sequel has died out in favour of the prequel! Maybe these blogs should have a prequel blogisode.

Esther: that’s because all the big movie series now have done so many sequels they’ve only got prequels left! I also think doing prequels for our blogisode would be incredible, we could definitely freak some readers out by speaking from the past, something pretty ghostly about that!

Chris: Or we could just have a blank page and write ‘this is before blogisodes existed’! ‘For this week’s blogisode, please call this number and we can have a conversation’.

Esther: Ah the days before the internet. It’s hard to imagine how any of us managed with out it! Obviously our readers wouldn’t manage without our blogisode every week…

Chris: Obviously! We are pioneers of random rubbish on the internet. For those of you reading this who are really into saving the planet, it is of course recycled rubbish!

Esther: Of course, and so it should be! Committed to a greener planet, which also includes recycled amusement from the internet in the form of a blogisode!

Chris: Mundanevision: recycling jokes for a cleaner WordPress!

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Time has once again run away with us! Before we start recycling stuff, it’s time to ‘See you next week! Peace’ but even that is recycled….

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Sunday Selection Box

Hey guys! It’s Sunday, the day of nothing. Let me add something to the day with a blogisode!

Chris: Hey Esther, you’re back!

Esther: Hiya Chris, indeed, I have returned.

Chris: We missed you here at Mundanevision HQ. How have you been?

Esther: Aww, I missed you guys too. Yeah pretty good thanks! And yourself?

Chris: I’ve been very well thanks. For those readers hoping for an exciting start to this blogisode, you can probably skip the first 20 words or so. But then after that, we do really get going (honest). You won’t want to miss this!

Esther: I think it’s the change of blogisode day to a Sunday, it’s thrown us off kilter. I mean who expects to actually do something productive on a Sunday?

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Chris: But Sunday is God’s day. If God reads these blogisodes, then we’re in! I can just imagine it, Mundanevision, sponsored by God!

Esther: Ah yes you’re right, but it is known to be the day of rest.. Maybe it should be ‘and on the seventh day, God sponsors Mundanevision’.

Chris: The day of rest, ey? We are providing a service to the rest of the population. This is very tenuous.

Esther: No I like it, makes us sound like unsung heroes, you know… a bit like doctors and nurses working at Christmas, I mean we’re basically amazing by doing this blogisode on a Sunday!

Chris: Mundanevision is the eighth emergency service. When you need a blogisode stat, quick, log in to Mundanevision on WordPress!

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Esther: Ah man, suddenly I’m far more motivated because I know people will die (metaphorically of course, rather than actually) without this small piece of comedy every Sunday!

Chris: People like reading our words, it seems. All our followers can’t be wrong. In the modern world of social media, where you can follow people, isn’t it making stalking socially acceptable?

Esther: Well, maybe online stalking, but obviously Mundanevision wouldn’t condone actual stalking in real life….

Chris: Oh no, we definitely don’t condone stalking. Unless you’re Jack from Jack and the Beanstalk. I’m pretty sure in that case stalking was what he called climbing up the beanstalk!

Esther: Yeah that’s a different thing entirely! It’s definitely easier to act like some form of undercover detective online and try and find someone you might have met only once through their online presence. I mean all you really need is a name, or location, or a mutual friend, and hey presto you’ve found them!

Chris:  In the topsy turvy mixed up world of 2018, if you don’t follow someone, you’re seen as a ‘loser’. Or if you don’t ‘Keep Up With the Kardashians’ and know how the celebs are spending every moment of every day. They shouldn’t really call it following, it’s more like shadowing because you can literally become someone’s shadow.

Esther: Agreed. Have you ever had the experience where your phone or computer breaks, or your wifi stops working for a period of days and you feel somehow disconnected from the world? It’s crazy really, but once you finally get back online you feel like you have so many news stories and gossip to catch up on!

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Chris: Well, have you disconnected from the world, or has the world disconnected from you? Look, this is far too heavy for a Sunday. On a Sunday, we should all be thinking about unicorn kittens in pink trees scratching at metaphorical balls of yarn, meowing softly in the wind!

Esther: ….Am I the only one who is seriously intrigued by what a unicorn kitten is?! That sounds like my dream pet all rolled into one.Image result for unicorn

Chris: Coming soon from Mundanevision merchandise range: unicorn kittens in pink trees, with realistic meowing sound, get yours and receive a free metaphorical ball of yarn! There we go, that should panic QVC. In fact, in the interests of comedy, we bugged the QVC offices, let’s listen into them now: “What’s a unicorn kitten?! And how do we get them?!?!”.

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Esther: And all we can hear from the bugged microphones is the distant screaming of the QVC office, in a state of total disarray.

Chris: And now, it’s time to take their viewership away from them. “Hurry, hurry, hurry! Get your diamond encrusted stuffed frogs with potato peeler and a workout dvd, now! Just £49.99, while stocks last!”, hurry, the place will be jumping for them.

Esther: Oooh I saw that dodgy pun at the end there Chris. I feel like you could sell anything with that tone though. I mean use the words “hurry”, “while stocks last” or “introductory offer” and you could probably sell a hairdryer to a snowman.

Chris: Let’s give it a go. So “Hurry, hurry, hurry! Introductory offer, this snowman’s hairdryer, specially designed for an everyday snowman’s needs, is just £39.99, while stocks last!” “Oh your icicles look great!” “I know, that’s because I use this awesome snowman’s hairdryer I got on a great introductory offer!”. The slogan could be… ‘it dyes any hair white in seconds!’.#

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Esther: Brilliant. Now you see what I mean, it’s all about the advertising.

Chris: Just so you know, we have nothing against any shopping network, and we hope QVC sell lots successfully. Also we haven’t actually bugged any offices, before their seals come in. (“Get those seals out of here, they’re eating all our fish!”).

So we’ve done it! We have actually created online content, and on a Sunday! No one’s ever done that before (although we probably can’t prove this…). Tune in next week for more Sunday antics! Now go back and read this, hurry, hurry, hurry! Peace 

 

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