Kid-Friendly Amazon

Hey guys! Happy International Women’s Day… plus two. I’m very lucky to have my own international woman co-hosting the blogisodes with me. It’s Siri everybody! (Rupturous applause)

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Chris: Hey Siri.

Siri: Hey Christopher, how are you this fine day?

Chris: I’m good thank you! Still reeling from the fact that Barbie was 58 yesterday!

Siri: 58?! I thought it was 50. My word she’s old.

Chris: With all the plastic surgery she’s had, she looks really good from it!

Siri: Aboslutely. That’s cool though, a good way to spend International Women’s Day is celebrating women – whether they are made out of plastic or not.

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Chris: I wonder if the economy has hit Barbie hard yet, and she’s had to sell her dream house? It’s more like a dream cottage now.

Siri: Very true. And I wonder what’s happened to her toy boy, Ken.

Chris: Oh, she divorced Ken long ago.

Siri: Good, she should keep being awesome by herself.

Chris: Yeah, I feel a bit sad for Ken. He’s no longer in the picture. He’s obviously been traded in for a younger model…

Siri: Ahahahaha! What else has been going on recently?

Chris: Well, there’s always the Trump stuff.

Siri: Shh shhh I don’t know what you’re talking about what is Trump stuff what even is it no don’t tell me shhhhh stop mentioning Trump.

Chris: Okay, I am worried this week. If we trigger Brexit, does that mean we lose the letters ‘E’ and ‘U’ from the alphabet?

Siri: Oh, absolutely! It will be a b c d f g… etc. A whole new world. Or, as we’ll soon be saying, A whol nw world.

Chris: I feel sorry for the children, because those magnetic letters you stick on the fridge aren’t going to be much use anymore.

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Siri: I know, and can you imagine trying to learn to spell in the English language without those letters? Writing without an ‘E’ is difficult enough!

Chris: So an elephant would just be a lephant?

Siri: No, not even that! It would be a lphant!

Chris: You can tell I cannot spell. I also came up with a revolutionary new way of reducing the time women spend in labour.

Siri: Uh huh, yes, how so…

Chris: They should make and manufacture babies on Amazon, therefore with Amazon Prime it would be next day delivery! And you could cut down the cost of having a baby. Beds would be freed up and everybody would be cured – there’ll be no diseases!

Siri: And if you don’t like the kid, then Amazon Prime does free returns!

Chris: That would be a bit cruel, though, wouldn’t it?

Siri: I don’t know, there are some pretty difficult kids out there in the world.

Chris: Imagine reviewing all kids on Amazon a few days after the delivery. Did they meet your expectations?

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Siri: It would be so difficult though, as soon as the kid wanted to make life decisions that the parents weren’t happy with – Amazon might get a lot of complaints. I think Synths from Humans would be a better thing to deliver first. Just to get some practice and make sure the system kind of works.

Chris: Oh well, you don’t want to use the reviews for the kids on amazon that I’ve written already, just for some flavour of the kinds of things people are likely to say.

Siri: Oh no, what kind of stuff have you said?

Chris: Jeremy, ****. (That’s 4 stars, not a swear word). Quite a nice kid, plays football and interacts with others but would have preferred a rugby player.

Siri: And what happens when Jeremy grows up and reads that? I’m sure he’ll kick some footballs at you and then run away. Then you’ll be sorry. Have you seen the bottom of football boots?

Chris: That’s what parental lock is for.

Siri: Aha, you’re the lying kind. Keeping your kids away from all the mean things that are beings aid about them. How protective you are.

Chris: I just want to say that it’s not me who’s the problem, it’s Jeremy, and just a sample of what could happen. Are you ready for another one?

Siri: Go for it.

Chris: Ron ****. Is quite a good boy, but he plays music too loud. I think volume control is broken on his stereo.  And the last one I’ve got here is: Jane ***. Enjoys playing with Barbie, however, she was not expecting to deal with an old age pensioner.

Siri: Poor kids. So confused about the world.

Chris: What do you think? I think this could take off.

Siri: Oh absolutely, you just need to find the scientists to actually grow some babies in 24 hours. But the tricky bit’s definitely over!

Chris: Well, that’s easy as well. I mean, look at the film Gremlins. You water them after midnight, and then they multiply. I think that’s what I should do in this case.

Siri: Although, that might create some very smelly children, because if they multiply when watered, they won’t be able to take showers without there being thousands of them!

Chris: I see what you mean! We could employ really big showers?

Siri: Yes, but you’ll still have hundreds more mouths to feed! Maybe make some sort of patch that counteracts the multiplying? Or talk to that character from Delicious, she seems to survive even though she’s allergic to water, so she must have a way of dealing with it.

Chris: Or talk to Ed Sheeran, he’s managed to Divide them!

Siri: Excellent point, very true. Although he hasn’t actually had any children of his own yet, so he has managed to divide on paper, but not in real life.

Chris: Good boy, how old is he? He knows maths, he knows division!

Siri: I think he’s about 25, but you’ll have to ask him. Maybe test him, to see if he can count that high? Although he’s Ed Sheeran, I’m sure he can do anything.

Chris: I can see his review on Amazon now: Ed Sheeran *****, proud feeling when he divided for the first time. Such proud parents.

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Siri: Yeah, he would be the ideal kid to receive from Amazon Prime!

Chris: Right, I think it’s a rap! Do you wrap things on Amazon? I don’t know.

Siri: You can choose to have them giftwrapped! Might tear a bit if Ed Sheeran or a new born baby is inside it though.

Chris: No, they train them to stay still! Okay guys, thank you very much for reading/listening. I’m off to order a kid on Amazon, I’ll see you next week. Peace x

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180 degrees of Oscars

Hey guys! There are two great divides in recent times. One is political, with Brexit and the other is musical, the release of Ed Sheeran’s new album. However, we here at Mundanevision are always united in bringing you your weekly blogisode.

Chris: Hey Siri.

Siri: Hey Chris!

Chris: How are you doing?

Siri: Not too badly today, although the sun seems to have left us. What about you?

Chris: I’m doing fine. Don’t worry too much about the sun, it will be back, it’s so hot right now!

Siri: Very true!

Chris: Did you like my opening monologue? I had to keep it in my head until today, because today is the day that Ed Sheeran’s released his new album!

Siri: It was beautiful, truly tremendous.

Chris: Thank you very much. But even more exciting than Ed Sheeran’s album coming out today (sorry, Ed), there’s new Goo Goo Doll music on the way!

Siri: I know! Just over a month away, now!

Chris: YES. I’m so excited! I believe you used that exact phrase when you heard Ed Sheeran’s album was coming.

Siri: Almost certainly, I was so so excited – and I still am, of course.

Chris: I’ve often wondered if Adele and Ed Sheeran go a collaboration album.

Siri: What do you wonder?

Chris: What would it be called? Let’s find out, we’ve got the sloth by our whiteboard in the studio, like our very own Rachel Riley from Countdown.

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Siri: Our studio’s own personal mathematician, I’m guessing…

Chris: Yes!

Siri: Aha, so what have we got? Is it going to be 19 + 21 x 25 ÷ 3 (how many albums they each have)…

Chris: That should give us the answer to a collaborative album title!

Siri: Ooh, the Sloth’s working on it… It’s 180 exactly! Let’s call it 180°, so then it has a number for her and a symbol for him?

180-degrees-by-edele

Chris: So Ed and Adele – oh it sounds so cute already! If you are going to release a collaborative album, you should call it 180°!

Siri: I like it, and actually I really want them to do this now!

Chris: Maybe it should contain some rerecords of Adele’s favourite songs with Ed Sheeran on the guitar?

Siri: Yes, and maybe they could have a go at singing each other’s too? I’d like to hear Adele try Thinking Out Loud and Ed try Someone Like You.

Chris: She quite often tries Thinking Out Loud at every award ceremony – it doesn’t go down too well!

Siri: I was almost going to suggest her trying Sing, but that would have allowed you a potentially even more witty response.

Chris: She definitely does that at every award ceremony! SO, we’ve written the album for you, Ed and Adele, could you just go on and sing it please?

Siri: It could even say it was by Edele.

Chris: Clever! And, of course, no 180° degree album would be complete without a cover of Bonnie Tyler’s song Turn Around. Or, as it’s more commonly known, Total Eclipse of the Heart.

Siri: So true. They definitely need to pay us royalties on this album, with all the work we’re putting into it.

Chris: Yes.

Siri: I can’t wait til it’s released, as we would say, I am SO EXCITED.

Chris: And Ed quite often uses LOOP pedals! It’s meant to be. Anyway, now we’ve sorted out the next album of pop icons, what do you want to talk about? Do you want to talk about anything in particular?

Siri: You’re the topic come-up-with-er!

Chris: I like that as a name.

Siri: Yep, now you need to follow through on it. What’s going on with you? Any interesting stories or news things?

Chris: Well, funny you should say that, because the news is always interesting now Trump is involved.

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Siri: Interesting is one word for it. The way I would have put it is “the news is always horrifying to my very core now that Trump is involved”!

Chris: It didn’t take us long to get on to Trump. It’s like 180° of separation!

Siri: Certainly is, sadly.

Chris: Let’s talk about the Oscars! The little statues that every year bring so much joy to film makers, and all those involved with the process. And La La Land alike – oh no! Should it be Moonlight? I’ve done it again! I’ve made the same mistake as they’ve made! And it’s going to be on the internet, how shameful.

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Siri: It’s okay, La La Land will forgive you. They’ve had their fair share of mentionings anyway.

Chris: Maybe because they’re so close, we should come up with a new film called Moon Land? Or La La Light?

Siri: Ooh, I like it. I’d love to watch an Oscar-winning documentary about the moon landing. What would La La Light be about?

Chris: A light that could sing and dance around.

Siri: So… it would be the opening to a Pixar movie…?

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Chris: Yes, it would just be really really extended. And in black and white. People love things in black and white.

Siri: I’m not sure Trump likes America in black and white.

Chris: Ooooooooohhhhh! Oh man, Trump again, it’s like we’ve done a complete 180! So, I’m quite keen like you to see this documentary called Moon Land! Could it be that the astronaut can sing and dance?

Siri: I think that would have to be called La La Moon Land? And if we added some light, maybe from the sun, if it EVER decides to appear, it can be called La La Light Moon Land?

Chris: Does Moonlight only have evening performances, or can you go and see it during the day?

Siri: Absolutely not during the day, what kind of madness are you playing at?

Chris: Well, sorry, it is Mundanevision! If you didn’t want madness, choose another blog!

Siri: Don’t be silly (haha, sounds like don’t be Siri… sorry…) EVERYONE wants madness, and our blog!

Chris: So, we’ve done well today, we’ve combined films, we’ve recorded a new album-

Siri: OSCAR winning films, don’t forget… well, half of it is anyway!

Chris: The only thing left to do is write a book… … … OH WAIT, I’ve already done that! Yes, it’s on Amazon, called Big Dreams Short Stories. Stop going on about it! That’s all you ever do!! Anyway, until we put the world to rights next week, peace!

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Hallucinating Lyrics

It was our Mundanevision Blogiversary on Monday! We’ve been entertaining you and informing you for two years, but now it’s two years down the line and we’re back with a brand new blogisode of… Pete’s Dragon! No, only joking, it’s Mundanevision!

Chris: Happy two year blogiversary for Monday!

Siri: Yes! Congratulations, how does it feel?

Chris: Two years has flown! I hope everybody still likes this, and even if they don’t, they’ve been subjected to it every week. Sorry…

Siri: I’m sure they love it if they’ve been reading for this long.

Chris: Yes, thank you very much guys, we couldn’t do it without you. And thanks to the amazing co-hosts I’ve had over the last 2 years. You know who you are!

Siri: (One of them is me!)

Chris: Yay!

Siri: So, what’s on your mind this blogisode, Chris?

Chris: Well, remember a few weeks ago when we did the rock question and answer session?

Siri: Yes…

Chris: I’m pretty sure I came up with another one for today’s show. This might fall flat on its face, because I might have got totally the wrong end of the stick about this song, but here goes nothing. There’s a song by Rick Springfield called Jesse’s Girl.

Image result for rick springfield jessie's girl

Siri: Uh huh…

Chris: Where he sings Jesse’s got himself a girl and I want to make her mine, but later on I’m pretty sure he sings “I wish that I was Jesse’s girl”.

Siri: Huh. That’s cool. A bit confusing, when people change their minds half way through songs.

Chris: So, is this the first written account of a transgender person in a song?

Siri: I don’t know… maybe?

Chris: Can we check the lyrics.

Siri: Yes, and I want to hear the song too. The Afternoon Girls will play it for us now.

[Afternoon Girls sing Jesse’s Girl]

Chris: Wow, I got the wrong end of the microphone with that one! The actual lyrics are “I wish I had Jesse’s girl”. Stupid “had”! Getting in the way of our comedy.

Siri: That’s such a shame, it would be really cool if it had been a trans person. I think you should release the song with that lyric changed. It’s a really good song, but I think you could improve it.

Chris: Maybe I will. Maybe I will. [Chris strokes beard].

Siri: I look forward to it. And so do all our blog followers, I’m sure. There’s another song that has lyrics that kind of contradict each other. In You’re Beautiful by James Blunt, at one point he says that he has a plan, and later on he says “and I don’t know what to do”. So that’s all very confusing.

Chris: You lost me. I can’t believe you’re bringing up James Blunt on a reputable blogisode.

Siri: I’m bringing up his confusing lyrics though.

Chris: Luckily, I’m here to shed some light on those confusing lyrics.

Siri: Yes… go on.

Chris: I know James Blunt very well.

Siri: You do?

Chris: In my head. And he told me what the answer is.

Siri: Sure sure, go on.

Chris: Apparently he wrote the plan on a pub napkin while he was having a pint, and then the napkin went into the washing machine because it was in the back pocket of his jeans, and it disintegrated, and he doesn’t know what it is, or what he wrote down.

Siri: I suppose that does make sense.

Chris: He decided to leave that bit out of the song because he didn’t want to drone on for too long.

Siri: Aha, he’d rather people thought he was confused.

Chris: I just came up with a great tshirt slogan, as Siri was checking how “drone” is spelt.

Siri: Go on and tell them then.

Chris: “I don’t know spellings. I only know words.”

Siri: It would be a brilliant tshirt for probably half of our country’s population.

Chris: And America, forget about it! I’d make a bomb over there!

Siri: I really really really wouldn’t recommend making a bomb over there! Trump would Guantanamo Bay you.

Chris: Well, according to the press conference, he doesn’t know what Uranium is!

Siri: So true, plus you’re white so you’d probably be fine. Just don’t say anything he doesn’t like and go on and make bombs quietly.

Chris: Anyway, something I’m definitely not hallucinating is that the Brit Awards are on tonight!

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Siri: Really?!?!

Chris: Yes.

Siri: I thought we already had them… Maybe two weeks ago ish…? Am I going insane?

Chris: I think the music awards are on tonight. Although, what would be a much better award ceremony would be my Brit Awards, just to acknowledge my world’s favourite Brits.

Siri: Who would come in the top three places?

Chris: Mel and Sue.

Siri: Do they take up one place or two?

Chris: I think one.

Siri: I think that’s fair.

Chris: Maybe this is a bad ceremony for me, because half the people are American, in a way.

Siri: Do you know who’s nominated for the Brit Awards?

Chris: Well, Rag n Bone Man, obviously.

Siri: Of course, that goes without saying i guess.

Chris: I’m a bit worried about his choice of artist name for an award ceremony, when you’re supposed to dress up smart, and he comes in in tattered rags.

Siri: SUCH a good point. But maybe he’ll surprise us all?

Chris: Could we look up a definition of Rag n Bone Man? Was it a guy who went around selling stuff?

Related imageRelated image

Siri: Yes! Oh my lord, you learn something new every day. Apparently a rag and bone man is someone who goes around selling household items to local merchants! I didn’t even know that!

Chris: So they’ll be a load of local merchant copies of his CDs in CD players.

Siri: Absolutely. I wonder why he came up with that name… Suspicious.

Chris: Yes.

Siri: Do you know of anyone else nominated?

Chris: Well, Mr Ed Sheeran is performing from his castle on the hill.

Siri: Good one.

Chris: Or, if not, I’m sure he’ll be showing you the shape of his heart. He wears his heart in his sleeve, that boy. I can’t help thinking that his song “Sing” is just a go at grumpy audiences. Sing!

Siri: Quite possibly. Although when I wen to see him he had nothing to complain about, we were all singing very loudly. His new album is coming out in about ten days! Exciting stuff.

Chris: It is. You know what, you know what could be an exciting moment for our readers?

Siri: No… what?

Chris: It’s the end of the blogisode.

Siri: Well that’s not exciting!

Chris: Peace.

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History’s First Drafts

Hello and welcome to your weekly outlet of the strange and bizarre. Or, as we like to call it, Mundanevision. 

Chris: Hey Siri!

Siri: Good afternoon, Chris.

Chris: What’s going on?

Siri: What isn’t going on? The world and day are so dramatic.

Chris: It keeps spinning, though, which is good – if it didn’t keep spinning, we would all fall off!

Siri: Yep, the sun comes up and the world still spins. You’re right there.

Chris: Did you see the BAFTAs on Sunday?

Siri: I did not. I saw about some of the winnings, but I didn’t watch them. Did you? Did anything interesting happen?

Chris: Yes. As predicted, La La Land won a lot of awards. It’s interesting actually: the original script to La La Land is a teletubbies’ spin off, just focusing on the character La La.

Image result for la la land teletubby

Siri: Emma Stone portrays her quite successfully. She’s got that yellow dress and things.

Chris: I didn’t see any TV though, in her stomach. Maybe she just had one of those very flat screen ones – the knew 4k curved ones

Siri: Yes, that’s probably it. I don’t know who Ryan Gosling was supposed to be playing though?

Chris: Well, as with all spin offs, they will introduce new characters, so that it doesn’t feel like exactly the same show.

Siri: Ah, I see. It’s kind of inceptiony – our readers are reading on a screen about a film that was on a screen with a character who acted on a screen in it, who also had a screen on her stomach?!

Chris: And critics went to see it at the screening. And during the showing they probably might have had ice screen. OH no, that’s ice-cream. I’ve broken the chain now!

Siri: It was good while it lasted.

Chris: I enjoy breaking chains, oh slaves, they should all go free.

Siri: There are slaves in my new favourite musical, Hamilton. Almost everything in life is reminding me of Hamilton at the moment, have you ever had that kind of obsessive addiction?

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Chris: Yes. When I was reading the original Red Rising Trilogy (written by Piers Brown), I started living the book.

Siri: How? In what way?

Chris: Well, I was so into it, the characters have signs on their hands to denote what colour they are, so I started seeing the gold sign on my hand, because I’m one of the ruling classes, obviously.

Siri: Obviously. It’s quite creepy when that happens, isn’t it?

Chris: I didn’t mind it. I’m sure I will be getting the same feeling from his new book when it comes out next year.

Siri: (Sponsor us please, Piers Brown! We’re advertising for you!)

Image result for pierce brown red rising

Chris: Yes.

Siri: It’s always things like books and films and tv shows (and musicals, I guess!) that get into my head like that.

Chris: Has Hamilton anything to do with Hamelet?

Siri: Erm… Yes? In one of the songs, Alexander Hamilton, one of America’s founding fathers, mentions Macbeth, who was in a play named Macbeth. Also, the person who wrote Macbeth wrote a play called Hamlet with someone in it named Hamlet. So I guess you could say that’s a pretty direct link, eh?

Chris: Yes. You could ruin a whole Hamlet play just by calling your main character village.

Siri: That would be misleading.

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Chris: I wonder whether the original script of Hamlet was a tour guide, around Denmark.

Siri: How so?

Chris: Because he mentioned Hamlets, which is obviously a character, but he doesn’t mention villages, or towns, so I think they were cut out, because he couldn’t get the funding.

Siri: Yes, but why Denmark?

Chris: I don’t know, I guess Denmark didn’t have that many tour guides written about it, back in 1600. Although the date is uncertain.

Siri: Yes, we’ve just consulted our dear friend the sloth, who did some research and found that Hamlet was written at an unknown date between 1599 and 1602. So who knows what century it was published in?

Chris: I reckon William Shakespeare must have forgotten that he wrote the play for years.

Siri: Yes, and then just put a few dates on different pages to confuse everyone.

Chris: You do that with checks. If you don’t cash it, you put today’s or yesterday’s date on it, just to be like ‘yes, I did get it in on time!’

Siri: I used to do that with homework, I used to write the day it was set, or the day after that on the top, so that the teacher marking it would think I was very organised and had started it as soon as it was set, instead of waiting until the break time before it was due.

Chris: That’s very clever, however it could backfire, because you could have put the date on from before she set it, and then got in so much trouble!

Siri: I think that they probably knew everyone was doing it!

Chris: We don’t do that with Mundanevision!

Siri: I know, we don’t even pre-record them, or pre-write them, like they do for some TV shows (like New Year’s ones).

Chris: Or, I’m sure, even some blogs!

Siri: Ooh, those rebellious cheeky people that pre-write their blogs. I’m proud we are not those people. No offence to any of you that do, I’m sure you’re lovely.

Chris: So, anyway, I think we stumbled on something before Hamlet was Hamlet, it was a travel guide to the villages and towns of Denmark written by Shakespeare before he made his fortune. You didn’t know he was a travel writer, but you’ve got to start somewhere!

Image result for denmark

Siri: Clearly he didn’t do very well at it, since no one even knew he was a Danish Travel Writer. There I was thinking he was an English playwright, I could not have been more silly.

Chris: Or maybe he was English, but he just wrote about Denmark.

Siri: My word he was clever! Why has no one mentioned before that he had so many brains?

Chris: Mundanevision, uncovering mysteries since… sometime in the past.

Siri: Yes, we’ll have to get old Will’s help at figuring out when we started the blog, or at least to guess a few random dates!

Chris: And, with that, we must say goodbye. If you feel like Charles Dickens is a butterfly collector, please let us know, and please like this post!

Siri: You are welcome to like this post even if you think Charles Dickens was a novelist.

Chris: If you don’t like this post, who do you think you are? Sponsored by BBC? Peace.

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Strip Wallpaper Club

Hey guys! We already know that people like WordPress to read people’s opinions in a well-structured format, but if you like hearing two people’s opinions (and a silent animal) in that same well-structured format, you’ve come to the right place. Welcome to… Mundanevision. 

Chris: Hey Siri.

Siri: Hey Chris, how’s your day been going?

Chris: Well, I will get this out of the way first… Something just happened with me and Amazon!

Siri: Does it have anything to do with the sloth, and his original home? (The Amazon)

Chris: No, I’m talking about the website that provides people with anything from kettles to biographies of Lord Kitchener. Yes, people, I have a life outside this blog. I’ve written a book of short stories, called Big Dreams Short Stories. It will be up on Amazon shortly, in just 72 little hours it will be there for public viewing.

Siri: Wow! What’s it about, Chris?

Chris: It’s a book of short stories, shockingly, so if anybody wants to see another extracurricular activity of mine, outside the confines of the Mundanevision Studio, then they should check it out!

Siri: Well, from the sloth and me, and I’m sure all our readers too, congratulations!

Chris: Thank you, thank you. I’m here all week.

Siri: 2017 may not be great so far, but let everyone know that not only is today the day that Trump’s ban on immigrants was blocked, but ALSO, MORE IMPORTANTLY, the day that Chris’s first book was released!

Chris: Who let the town cry into the studio? The bell is very distracting.

Siri: Hahaha, it must have been Sloth, up to his usual mischief.

Chris: Oh, that sloth.

Siri: So, what else is going on Chris?

Chris: Well, it’s Friday.

Siri: A pretty unusual Mundanevision day. That’s my bad.

Chris: Well I had to phone in sick and get on with my book launch. And yes, I’ve blasted a copy up into space already!

Siri: The most important launch of the millennium.

Chris: The ISS boys do get awfully bored on that space station, with nothing to read, so you’re welcome, NASA!

Image result for international space station

Siri: Yes, to quote the legendary Disney Hit, Moana, What can we say except you’re welcome, for the wonderful world you know. All thanks to Chris, I’m sure.

Chris: Oh, stop it! I can’t believe I referred to the astronauts on the International Space Station as the ISS boys! Sounds like one of the cheesiest 90s boy bands ever!

Siri: At least you didn’t say Boyz with a zed!

Chris: It sounds like they’re so famous that their music is intergalactic.

Siri: That sounds like a magnificent boy band. Next lauch we should send them some instruments?

Chris: Sloth, can you get on that please? No, NO, not the double bass, it’s very cramped up there – have you seen their living conditions?

Siri: I bet the ISS Boyz are especially successful because of how different music must sound when you’re basically in a vacuum with low gravity.

Chris: I have to say, I was really sad when Tim Peake left the band. Speaking of fictional music groups, I now want to talk about a modern pop song I heard this week.

Siri: Oh yes, which one?

Chris: It was already a bad start when I said ‘modern pop song’. It is called “I Would Like” by Zara Larsson. I have a problem with the lyrics. The lyrics state that she sees a person in a club and she wants to get under his sexy body. What happened to dating? Are they skipping that part?

Siri: I guess she doesn’t care about them emotionally. It sounds like she’s saying what she means – that all she wants is to get under their sexy body?

Chris: I still think they should have set aside some time for courtship – unless he’s fallen on top of her in some freak accident.

Siri: This isn’t the 1700s anymore. There’s no such thing as courtship. You see someone you like, and BANG.

Chris: You’re under their sexy body. And how can she tell anyway? Does she have x-ray vision?

Siri: Maybe it’s a strip club? Maybe they are naked? You don’t need x-ray vision in that scenario.

Chris: If you’re talking about strip clubs, I hope it’s one of those clubs where you strip wallpaper off walls.

Siri: THAT IS THE GREATEST IDEA FOR A BUSINESS I HAVE EVER HEARD. You tell people that it’s a strip club, and then they come in and help you redecorate your house!

Chris: Yes, that’s exactly what I meant. As it Valentine’s Day on Tuesday, I want to appeal to young people who might be thinking of taking their girlfriend/boyfriend/partner out for a meal, or to the cinema to see the film. Do this. I encourage this. DON’T just get under their sexy body like Zara Larsson seems to do.

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Siri: I, as an asexual person, would ALWAYS recommend watching ALL the movies, and eating ALL the food, and never getting under their sexy or unsexy body.

Chris: No, surely it needs to be a sexy body, and how skinny is the person that you could just slide under it. No, don’t get up, I’m coming! And before all the young people write in and tell me that I’m old and boring at 35, I would just like to say that… I am old and boring, at 35. And this is for entertainment purposes only!

Siri: I think I win, I’m old and boring at 21! That is a poor age to be old and boring at!

Chris: This is like the opposite of Top Trumps! What is the opposite of Top Trumps?

Siri: Bottom Trumps? Bottom Clintons?

Chris: Bottom Clintons.

Siri: *cries internally*

Chris: The Clintons must be really happy that they’ve been mentioned on Mundanevision! Anyway, that’s the end of the talk on bodies. Siri, would you like to rant about everything with no apparent end?

Siri: No, I’m pretty rant-free today. I’ve got a fun Valentine’s Day lined up – games night and pizza, what could be better?

Chris: Oh cool! The Lego Batman Film looks so good!

Siri: We’ll be watching the Princess Bride at home. Or whatever they feel like. As they wish.

Chris: Are you calling me the Dread Pirate Roberts?

Siri: Always. But yes, a lot of good films seem to be coming out soon. Our favourite over here in the Mundanevision Studios, Greta Gerwig, has a lot going on. She must be wearing down her shoes walking red carpets at the moment!

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Chris: I can’t wait to see Batman. They are building up the hype.

Siri: Oh, I get it. Building, because they are building lego blocks!

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Chris: And there’s a film about the Holocaust that I really want to see.

Siri: Yes, Denial. I really want to see that too.

Chris: Maybe we should go and see it together? Sorry guys, we are just organising our social calendars over here!

Siri: Sorry for not inviting you.

Chris: Bodies and social calendars are the main topics you can take away from this blogisode.

Siri: Well, the two secondary topics, I think. After your book!

Chris: And, with that, it’s the end people! Thank you for putting up with my rants, people, and we will see you all next week. Siri, anything to add?

Siri: Yes, go and see some films, and let us know how they are, and what fun Valentine’s day plans you’ve got!

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Chris: Right, I’m off to court a lady from the 1700s! Peace.

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Closeted Animal Politics

It’s time. To face. The BLOGISODE! Thank you, random voice over man. Hello, welcome to Mundanevision, which is on the World Wide Web. Or, if Trump had his way, the World Wide Wall. Ooh, satire, let’s never speak of this again. 

Chris: Hello Siri.

Siri: Hello Chris, and how are you?

Chris: I am good, thank you. Did you like my introduction?

Siri: I certainly did, and the sloth is looking over and smiling at me as well, so I think he found it funny too.

Chris: He’s looking particularly happy with himself.

Siri: Definitely, it’s his wonderful producing that makes jokes like that so wonderful.

Chris: Well, thank you for backing me up on the intro. I brought a fishing rod into the studio in case I needed to fish for compliments.

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Siri: Never. You’d never have to do that!

Chris: So nice. Are you telling me it’s over fished?

Siri: I suppose I am, yes. What else is going on with you today, Chris?

Chris: What else is going on with me… I’m sitting in a warm studio with you, doing this blogisode, I think that’s it.

Siri: It is nice and warm in here. It’s been raining for hours outside, I suppose we can watch it from the studio’s window.

Chris: Do you think the queen owns the rain? Do you think it’s the rain of Elizabeth the Second?

Siri: Hahahaha, how witty you are today. I say that every blogisode! I think if the swans are the swans of Elizabeth, then the rain can definitely be hers too, so yes, the rain of Elizabeth the Second.

Chris: OR, is it just the sky crying because of Trump?

Siri: I’m sorry, I don’t know what you’re talking about. What is this Trump thing? I don’t know a Trump. I’ve never heard of a Trump. What even is a Trump?

Chris: I think he’s the guy that invented the card game. First name Top.

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Siri: Oh, can you imagine? What a fantastic world that would be if all Trump had done was invent a fantastic card game. I’ve started to avoid opening the news in the morning to protect my sanity and happiness. What’s been going on today?

Chris: Oh he’s just fired some chief judge because he didn’t agree with him over the ban of immigrants from some Muslim countries.

Siri: What’s really terrifying is that there must be so many people that secretly agree with him. I think my grandparents probably do. It’s just legitimising racism.

Chris: It’s funny how you used to be gay and in the closet, and now you’re a trump supporter in the closet.

Siri: I think that’s a magnificent parallel, except for the fact that the internet is a dangerous place to draw parallels between gay people and Trump supporters.

Chris: No, no, I’m not saying they’re the same. I’m just saying that the closet that used to house them is now housing secret trump supporters.

Siri: I hope they stay inside that closet for a long time, but I think Trump is making it easier and easier to come out of that closet, and maybe chasing the gay people back in.

Chris: I want to be in that closet, it sounds amazing.

Siri: Yeah, let’s go join them, and have a bit of a party. It seems like a safer place than the rest of the world right now.

Chris: Yes. I feel like Trump is being met with a wall of silence by the world at the moment. I like the way that there are two petitions running – one that wants Trump to come, and one that doesn’t want Trump to come, and they’re both up to one million signatures. It’s true, they’ve got an anti-Trump petition and a pro-Trump petition!

Siri: I don’t really know where I stand on that issue to be honest. I obviously don’t agree with what he’s doing, being the liberal that I am, but additionally if we remain friends with him maybe we can slowly talk some sense into him, rather than just completely cutting him out. What do you think?

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Chris: Everybody’s making a big deal over the wall he’s building, maybe they’re just building a house – some residence that’s just close to Mexico.

Siri: Maybe, but since he called Mexicans rapists, I feel like it’s unlikely for him to want to build a house very close to them.

Chris: Okay, let’s get off Trump, I’m not a political animal. I wonder what is a political animal? What animal is political?

Siri: There’s something political like about crabs. They seem suspicious and sneaky, and untrustworthy, like politicians.

Chris: And put them in hot water and they have a bad time. They’re always getting into hot water.

Siri: Hahaha! See, there are more parallels between politicians and crabs than the first parallels that spring to mind. I’m sure there are many more parallels between politicians and pigs than just the first that spring to mind as well!

Chris: You mean they’re swine?

Siri: Of course that’s what I meant.

Chris: Let’s leave this political animal discussion.

Siri: Yes. Please.

Chris: That’s a sentence you don’t hear every day!

Siri: Speaking of animals though, it was Chinese New Year over the weekend! It’s now the Year of the Rooster.

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Chris:  I knew this, I went and celebrated Chinese New Year with some friends.

Siri: No way! How did you celebrate?

Chris: Tried lots of Chinese New Year food.

Siri: My housemate’s Chinese and she went to celebrations, and I was hoping she’d bring me back some food. BUT SHE DIDN’T. They ate it all.

Chris: Chinese New Year strikes me as kind of smart, so…

Siri: In what way smart?

Chris: Well, coming in slightly later than 2017, and avoiding all it’s pitfalls!

Siri: Smart is definitely the right word!

Chris: Just superior in every respect. I mean, you don’t see the Chinese electing a rooster as head of the state, do you?

Siri: Ahahahaha, you don’t, that’s true. Although the year’s just begun, there’s plenty of time for thousands more pitfalls.

Chris: I don’t know, I think the Chinese New Year is creeping along behind the English one, trying to avoid its mistakes. Sneaky! And, with that, our new blogisode is at an end!

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Meet The Sloth

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We finally got our sloth to appear in a picture! Introducing the producer of all our blogisodes since the beginning… he’s simply known as “The Sloth”. A bit like The Stig, but cooler.

Although he’s silent during the blogisodes, he’s very vocal when it comes to posting the shows on WordPress, expecting nothing less than perfection. Without the sloth, we wouldn’t have half the fans or supporters that we have. We owe him a big debt of gratitude for making our blogisodes into something you (hopefully) enjoy weekly. Thank you, Sloth, the leaves and tender shoots are on us tonight!

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Cop Iguanas with Oscars

Hello and welcome to this exciting episode of Mundanevision. A blog which combines razor sharp wit and true grit. Okay, let’s start the show.

Chris: Hey Siri!

Siri: Hello Chris!

Chris: So, the Oscar nominations are out today. Have you seen any of them?

Siri: BBC thought they would notify me that La La Land has been nominated for 14. But I don’t know anything else.

Chris: 14 Oscars for somebody going La La?! That is overkill, but never mind! It’s amazing how a baby goose can act that well.

Siri: A gosling?

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Chris: Yes.

Siri: You’re talking about a baby goose acting well, but the other lead was literally a small rock. And she did marvellously too.

Chris: Wow, do they even need actors anymore?

Siri: I don’t know, good question though. Who else got nominated?

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Chris: A lion got nominated.

Siri: Oh, cool, I haven’t seen Lion yet! It looks good though, judging by what I saw on Graham Norton.

Chris: Has he seen it?

Siri: Good question, you should ask him.

Chris: Can I have Graham Norton’s phone number please?

Siri: We’ll ask the sloth to find it for you.

Chris: He’s on the case.

Siri: Is he literally on a case?

Chris: No, no, I was using terminology from an American crime show.

Siri: Which one?

Chris: Any of them.

Siri: There should be a crime show-,

Chris: About blogs?

Siri: Yes, great idea! Although isn’t that kind of what CSI: Cyber is about?

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Chris: No, CSI: Cyber’s not about blogs. In my version, Joe Blogs would be a hard bitten cop who has come over from America and now uses his unconventional methods to solve crimes involving blogs.

Siri: That sounds like a good show. It kind of reminds me of Dr John Watson’s blog, and how he and Sherlock solve crimes.

Chris: In my show, there’d be a lot of dusting of keyboards, but the twist would be that Detective Joe Blogs is an iguana!

Siri: Ooh, that is a twist! Is he secretly an iguana, or does everyone know that?

Chris: Everyone knows he’s an iguana, but what people don’t know is that he’s an iguana with chameleon DNA.

Siri: *GASPS*, what does that mean he can do???

Chris: That means that he can blend in to any surface he chooses!

Siri: Doesn’t it take him a lot longer to write his blogs as he’s a chameleon/iguana?

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Chris: Yes, but the fact that he’s a chameleon makes him the ideal worker, because he never takes a day off – he’s never off colour!

Siri: Ooh, what a clever one Mr Blogs is! He must be a very good detective. He can even secretly break into suspects homes and watch them without anyone knowing. He might be breaking the law doing that, but I’m sure he learns a lot of stuff.

Chris: The tagline of the show is: he used to write blogs, now he investigates them.

Siri: Is iguanagates a word? For when iguanas are investigating?

Chris: I don’t know, but that sounds like a brilliant hashtag!

Siri: Yes, that’s true! Everyone who supports the detective can put #iguanagater on all their blog posts and twitter entries.

Chris: Let’s get it trending, fans!

Siri: Yes, go go go, tweet about Joe the blogging blog-iguanagator who’s also a chameleon! In other news, I see all the Valentine’s day merchendise is coming out now!

Chris: Yes! This brings me to exciting news. Our sloth is hanging around Sainsbury’s!

Siri: Whaat?! What’s he doing not at work?? Is he looking for a date??

Chris: I don’t know, but I’m going to go down after the show and liberate him!

Siri: Great idea, although if he is looking for dates, I doubt he feels like he needs liberating!

Chris: And then we can put an actual picture of the actual sloth on the Mundanevision facebook page!

Siri: Oh, that would be brilliant, our readers would love it! And I’m sure Sloth would too – what a great way to start internet dating. See, Mundanevision helps so many people in so many areas of life, and they don’t even have to be human!

Chris: We are so underappreciated!

Siri: Very true, where are our Oscars??? Or our other awards? Where is Joe Blogs to congratulate us on our humour and wit?

Chris: I can’t see him, he must be around here somewhere.

Siri: Yes, I’m sure you’re right. All the awards people are probably on their way to congratulate us and give us prizes and money and awards. Mary Berry must even be on her way!

Chris: Yes, think of all the stuff we’ve done over the past year! We’ve done lots of stuff.

Siri: I’m still awaiting all our sponsors. We advertise so many films, foods, and fantastic other things on here, that people really should be paying us!

Chris: But if they pay us, will other blogs say “ooh, that Mundanevision, they’ve sold out”?

Siri: Maybe, but it’s just jealousy. All blogs want to sell out eventually, it’s just the best ones that have the opportunity!

Chris: I have an answer to all those haters anyway – I’ve never sold anything in my life! So how can I be a sell-out?

Siri: Good point, although you have considered selling things, I’m sure. And you’ve kind of sold your talent.

Chris: To the internet?

Siri: Yes, exactly! You are payed in praise and adoration.

Chris: And views and likes!

Siri: Yep, views too!

Chris: I feel like if people love this blog, all they need to do is give it a view, and a little Oscar ceremony is set off in my head.

Siri: Maybe we could gain our fame by starting up the Oscars for blogs in the UK? We could call it the BritBlog Awards?

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Chris: Yes! We wouldn’t roll out a red carpet, it would be a blue rug!

Siri: And no one would take any photos of the bloggers, because no one knows what bloggers look like.

Chris: I know who does.

Siri: Who?

Chris: Joe Blogs! #iguanagate

Siri: SO TRUE. Joe Blogs could be the judge. If iguana-chameleons can vote? I don’t know how good his skills at counting, or writing or anything are. I also don’t really know what qualities you need to be a good judge. I think Joe Blogs would be magnificent though.

Chris: He has the iguana factor! So, everybody, enough of this silliness, we must away for another day! Thank you very much!

Siri: Goodbye wonderful bloggers or blog-readers!

Chris: #iguanagate! Peace. x

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Answers to Music’s Greatest Questions

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There have been a lot of unanswered questions in pop and rock music over the years: are we human or are we dancer? That’s not my name. Do you ever feel like a plastic bag? Should I stay or should I go? I will now attempt to answer these burning questions and a few more in this poorly compiled word document…

Who let the dogs out? [Baha Men]

Dear Mr Men, the answer to this was provided by Britney Spears in 2000, when she confessed ‘Oops, I did it again’. The solution to this is simple: in the future,k eep your dogs away from Britney!When she says she wants to go to the pound, please decline for your own safety and sanity.

Who’s going to stop the rain? [The Beatles]

Dear remaining Beatles, you asked in one of your songs who is going to stop the rain. The answer was provided a few years later by the Beach Boys when they sang “God Only Knows”. In the meantime, may I suggest an umbrella for your protection?

Where are all the good men gone, and where are all the gods? [Bonnie Tyler]

Dear Miss Tyler, The Proclaimers have the answer to your query. They are on their way – although they do live in Scotland, so it might take a while!

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag? [Katy Perry]

Dear Miss Perry, Personally, I never feel like a plastic bag. However, I believe Green Day have claimed that they feel like another shopping receptacle, though, in their 1994 song Basket Case.

Should I stay or should I go? [The Clash]

Dear Clash (not to be confused with Slash, from Guns and Roses), We believe that this question was answered by Wham!, when they told you to wake them up before you go go. Such needy people!

Is this the real life? [Queen]

Dear Mr Mercury, You posed the question “is this the real life, or is this fantasy?” in your legendary hit Bohemian Rhapsody. However, with today’s social networks and online identities, who can tell? I think Avril Lavigne encapsulates our opinion in her song Who Knows.

Are we human or are we dancer? [The Killers]

Dear Mr Flowers, I believe Rag’n’Bone Man has helped you out this year, when he answered your question “are we human, or are we dancer?”. I can now definitively reveal that we are human. Thank you, Mr Bone Man.

Did you sail across the sun? [Train]

Dear Train, We hope we’re talking to you and not replacement bus service. I believe that while nobody has sailed across the sun, Smash Mouth has been walking on the sun! However, we advise caution with this endeavour, or lots of sun cream and shoes. Bastille has recently warned us that Icarus has been flying too close to the sun (again) – have you seen him? Did you pass him on your way?

Why does it always rain on me? [Travis]

Dear Travis, You asked why it always rains on you. Regrettably, to my knowledge no other rock artist has answered this. However, we advise caution, because due to global warming you’re going to get a lot more rain. Phil Collins wishes it would rain down on him, and Selena Gomez says that she’s experienced a year without rain, so think of them and feel Lucky, Travis. And stop hogging the rain.

Why does my heart feel so bad? [Moby]

Dear Moby, You posed the question “why does my heart feel so bad?”. Spare a thought for Scouting for Girls, whose heart actually skips a heartbeat. This means that they are suffering from angina, which is a real medical condition. You appear to be suffering from heartburn, which can be easily fixed.

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Reunion Blogisode

There seems to be a trend in TV recently to have reunion shows, so welcome to our reunion show, after one whole day! Goodness, I feel a lot older. I hope this is as funny as the original Mundanevision, and I hope Netflix picks this up. 

Chris: Hey Siri.

Siri: Good day.

Chris: I can’t believe you’re back, after 48 hours, this feels so long.

Siri: I know, these last 2 days have been extremely difficult. I don’t know how we made it through.

Chris: Oh no, that was an inadvertent Madonna reference.

Siri: It certainly was! I have to admit, Madonna references aren’t normally what I excel in.

Chris: I love spreadsheets too – thank you Microsoft Excel.

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Siri: Ugh, don’t talk to me about spreadsheets, I’ve spent the whole morning trying to sort out applications for internships and jobs. It has been stressful.

Chris: Can you apply for an internship to be a pirate? Then you could be captain of your own ship!

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Siri: I hope so, I don’t know where one would find information about a pirate internship. I don’t think they surf the web as much as they sail the seas.

Chris: Yes, I think the high seas is where to go! Anyway, let’s get back on track. I want to thank word press for putting their faith in us, and getting this back together to do a reunion show.

Siri: Yes, thank you word press, we couldn’t have done it without you!

Chris: Now there was a point I wanted to make on the last blog, which we didn’t quite get round to. In 2008 the Killers asked “are we human or are we dancer?” in their song Human. This year Rag’n’Bone man have come up with the answer – that we are actually human after all! He then goes on to say “don’t put the blame on me”, but we’re not blaming anyone! He must be very insecure.

Siri: I can’t believe it took us over a decade of our species’ existence to determine that yes, we are actually human. The Killers really did confuse everyone!

Chris: The Killers did pose one of the greatest anthropological questions of our age!

Siri: True, and I think Rag’n’Bone man will go down in history as being the genius who solved it.

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Chris: I wonder if there are any other questions that will get answered this year. For example, the Clash posed the question “should I stay or should I go” what is the answer? What is the woman from the Ting Tings’s name?

Siri: The woman from the Ting Tings was named Katie. And I think Wham answered the Clash’s question? I’m not sure if the timeline is right for that, but I’m pretty sure they told the Clash to wake them up before they go go. I’ve checked, and the Clash asked in 1982, and Wham responded in 1984. So back in the 80s we were much faster at answering these questions.

Chris: It is because – I will put forward my hypothesis here – we were much faster at responding to people. For example, writing letters. We were good at responding to them to, but today our questions are posted on facebook and it could take a while for people to respond.

Siri: Also we don’t ask anyone in particular, we just put the question out there and hope that someone replies. In the old days, at least we were targeting specific people with our philosophical and anthropological questions.

Chris: Yeah, those pertinent questions tend to get lost on our facebook timeline, or snapchat, or isntagram, or twitter…

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Siri: Yeah, twitter seems to be more of a place for responses than questions. Something bad or good happens, and you can see the reactions and answers of individuals by just stalking their tweets.

Chris: Now that Siri’s said that, pigeons, make sure you watch out – we’re stalking your tweets! And before anybody writes in and says that pigeons don’t actually tweet, they coo, I know! They’re so hostile! I know that bluebirds tweet, and I know that other birds tweet, but pigeons coup. Are pigeons militant?

Siri: I think they are militant, in a very undercover and behind the scenes way. For example, during battles they are very good at bringing messages from certain people to another. Yet more proof that in the past we’ve got responses far faster.

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Chris: By pigeon post!

Siri: Egg-sactly (sorry, I bet you’ve never heard that one before… not.).

Chris: No, I’m in a bit of a flap! After we post this blogisode, we should look into all the pertinent questions in pop, and put them up, and see who’s answered them in recent years, could be quite fun!

Siri: The first one that comes to my mind, sadly, is Justin Beiber’s What Do You Mean? I feel like he kind of answers that himself though, in the same song. That’s Beiber for you.

Chris: I can sympathise with Justin a bit though, because text speak is so confusing. What does it mean. Well done Justin, for pointing it out!

Siri: IKR, TBH it makes me LMAO. WU2?

Chris: Even the sensible people in rock music are at it – Ed sheeran posted the question “should I get drunk again?” The answer, Ed, is obvious to me. Only on special occasions. But as a general rule, no! And if you are requesting it for the first time you’ve done it, maybe you should stay off the alcohol!

Siri: Very very wise, I think alongside your TV show called Continuity Errors, you should release an album entitled “The Answers to Popstar’s Questions”.

Chris: Maybe we should release a book or even a bonus blogisode, where we just answer every question in pop and music that we can. I think we’ll not just be doing a service for us, we’ll be doing a service for popstars in general.

Siri: I agree. Oh, the things we’ll accomplish!

Chris: in 2017 – it’s so amazing. And with that, we should go and start accomplishing them! Watch out for our question and answer rock edition! Peace. x

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