History’s First Drafts

Hello and welcome to your weekly outlet of the strange and bizarre. Or, as we like to call it, Mundanevision. 

Chris: Hey Siri!

Siri: Good afternoon, Chris.

Chris: What’s going on?

Siri: What isn’t going on? The world and day are so dramatic.

Chris: It keeps spinning, though, which is good – if it didn’t keep spinning, we would all fall off!

Siri: Yep, the sun comes up and the world still spins. You’re right there.

Chris: Did you see the BAFTAs on Sunday?

Siri: I did not. I saw about some of the winnings, but I didn’t watch them. Did you? Did anything interesting happen?

Chris: Yes. As predicted, La La Land won a lot of awards. It’s interesting actually: the original script to La La Land is a teletubbies’ spin off, just focusing on the character La La.

Image result for la la land teletubby

Siri: Emma Stone portrays her quite successfully. She’s got that yellow dress and things.

Chris: I didn’t see any TV though, in her stomach. Maybe she just had one of those very flat screen ones – the knew 4k curved ones

Siri: Yes, that’s probably it. I don’t know who Ryan Gosling was supposed to be playing though?

Chris: Well, as with all spin offs, they will introduce new characters, so that it doesn’t feel like exactly the same show.

Siri: Ah, I see. It’s kind of inceptiony – our readers are reading on a screen about a film that was on a screen with a character who acted on a screen in it, who also had a screen on her stomach?!

Chris: And critics went to see it at the screening. And during the showing they probably might have had ice screen. OH no, that’s ice-cream. I’ve broken the chain now!

Siri: It was good while it lasted.

Chris: I enjoy breaking chains, oh slaves, they should all go free.

Siri: There are slaves in my new favourite musical, Hamilton. Almost everything in life is reminding me of Hamilton at the moment, have you ever had that kind of obsessive addiction?

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Chris: Yes. When I was reading the original Red Rising Trilogy (written by Piers Brown), I started living the book.

Siri: How? In what way?

Chris: Well, I was so into it, the characters have signs on their hands to denote what colour they are, so I started seeing the gold sign on my hand, because I’m one of the ruling classes, obviously.

Siri: Obviously. It’s quite creepy when that happens, isn’t it?

Chris: I didn’t mind it. I’m sure I will be getting the same feeling from his new book when it comes out next year.

Siri: (Sponsor us please, Piers Brown! We’re advertising for you!)

Image result for pierce brown red rising

Chris: Yes.

Siri: It’s always things like books and films and tv shows (and musicals, I guess!) that get into my head like that.

Chris: Has Hamilton anything to do with Hamelet?

Siri: Erm… Yes? In one of the songs, Alexander Hamilton, one of America’s founding fathers, mentions Macbeth, who was in a play named Macbeth. Also, the person who wrote Macbeth wrote a play called Hamlet with someone in it named Hamlet. So I guess you could say that’s a pretty direct link, eh?

Chris: Yes. You could ruin a whole Hamlet play just by calling your main character village.

Siri: That would be misleading.

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Chris: I wonder whether the original script of Hamlet was a tour guide, around Denmark.

Siri: How so?

Chris: Because he mentioned Hamlets, which is obviously a character, but he doesn’t mention villages, or towns, so I think they were cut out, because he couldn’t get the funding.

Siri: Yes, but why Denmark?

Chris: I don’t know, I guess Denmark didn’t have that many tour guides written about it, back in 1600. Although the date is uncertain.

Siri: Yes, we’ve just consulted our dear friend the sloth, who did some research and found that Hamlet was written at an unknown date between 1599 and 1602. So who knows what century it was published in?

Chris: I reckon William Shakespeare must have forgotten that he wrote the play for years.

Siri: Yes, and then just put a few dates on different pages to confuse everyone.

Chris: You do that with checks. If you don’t cash it, you put today’s or yesterday’s date on it, just to be like ‘yes, I did get it in on time!’

Siri: I used to do that with homework, I used to write the day it was set, or the day after that on the top, so that the teacher marking it would think I was very organised and had started it as soon as it was set, instead of waiting until the break time before it was due.

Chris: That’s very clever, however it could backfire, because you could have put the date on from before she set it, and then got in so much trouble!

Siri: I think that they probably knew everyone was doing it!

Chris: We don’t do that with Mundanevision!

Siri: I know, we don’t even pre-record them, or pre-write them, like they do for some TV shows (like New Year’s ones).

Chris: Or, I’m sure, even some blogs!

Siri: Ooh, those rebellious cheeky people that pre-write their blogs. I’m proud we are not those people. No offence to any of you that do, I’m sure you’re lovely.

Chris: So, anyway, I think we stumbled on something before Hamlet was Hamlet, it was a travel guide to the villages and towns of Denmark written by Shakespeare before he made his fortune. You didn’t know he was a travel writer, but you’ve got to start somewhere!

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Siri: Clearly he didn’t do very well at it, since no one even knew he was a Danish Travel Writer. There I was thinking he was an English playwright, I could not have been more silly.

Chris: Or maybe he was English, but he just wrote about Denmark.

Siri: My word he was clever! Why has no one mentioned before that he had so many brains?

Chris: Mundanevision, uncovering mysteries since… sometime in the past.

Siri: Yes, we’ll have to get old Will’s help at figuring out when we started the blog, or at least to guess a few random dates!

Chris: And, with that, we must say goodbye. If you feel like Charles Dickens is a butterfly collector, please let us know, and please like this post!

Siri: You are welcome to like this post even if you think Charles Dickens was a novelist.

Chris: If you don’t like this post, who do you think you are? Sponsored by BBC? Peace.

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Strip Wallpaper Club

Hey guys! We already know that people like WordPress to read people’s opinions in a well-structured format, but if you like hearing two people’s opinions (and a silent animal) in that same well-structured format, you’ve come to the right place. Welcome to… Mundanevision. 

Chris: Hey Siri.

Siri: Hey Chris, how’s your day been going?

Chris: Well, I will get this out of the way first… Something just happened with me and Amazon!

Siri: Does it have anything to do with the sloth, and his original home? (The Amazon)

Chris: No, I’m talking about the website that provides people with anything from kettles to biographies of Lord Kitchener. Yes, people, I have a life outside this blog. I’ve written a book of short stories, called Big Dreams Short Stories. It will be up on Amazon shortly, in just 72 little hours it will be there for public viewing.

Siri: Wow! What’s it about, Chris?

Chris: It’s a book of short stories, shockingly, so if anybody wants to see another extracurricular activity of mine, outside the confines of the Mundanevision Studio, then they should check it out!

Siri: Well, from the sloth and me, and I’m sure all our readers too, congratulations!

Chris: Thank you, thank you. I’m here all week.

Siri: 2017 may not be great so far, but let everyone know that not only is today the day that Trump’s ban on immigrants was blocked, but ALSO, MORE IMPORTANTLY, the day that Chris’s first book was released!

Chris: Who let the town cry into the studio? The bell is very distracting.

Siri: Hahaha, it must have been Sloth, up to his usual mischief.

Chris: Oh, that sloth.

Siri: So, what else is going on Chris?

Chris: Well, it’s Friday.

Siri: A pretty unusual Mundanevision day. That’s my bad.

Chris: Well I had to phone in sick and get on with my book launch. And yes, I’ve blasted a copy up into space already!

Siri: The most important launch of the millennium.

Chris: The ISS boys do get awfully bored on that space station, with nothing to read, so you’re welcome, NASA!

Image result for international space station

Siri: Yes, to quote the legendary Disney Hit, Moana, What can we say except you’re welcome, for the wonderful world you know. All thanks to Chris, I’m sure.

Chris: Oh, stop it! I can’t believe I referred to the astronauts on the International Space Station as the ISS boys! Sounds like one of the cheesiest 90s boy bands ever!

Siri: At least you didn’t say Boyz with a zed!

Chris: It sounds like they’re so famous that their music is intergalactic.

Siri: That sounds like a magnificent boy band. Next lauch we should send them some instruments?

Chris: Sloth, can you get on that please? No, NO, not the double bass, it’s very cramped up there – have you seen their living conditions?

Siri: I bet the ISS Boyz are especially successful because of how different music must sound when you’re basically in a vacuum with low gravity.

Chris: I have to say, I was really sad when Tim Peake left the band. Speaking of fictional music groups, I now want to talk about a modern pop song I heard this week.

Siri: Oh yes, which one?

Chris: It was already a bad start when I said ‘modern pop song’. It is called “I Would Like” by Zara Larsson. I have a problem with the lyrics. The lyrics state that she sees a person in a club and she wants to get under his sexy body. What happened to dating? Are they skipping that part?

Siri: I guess she doesn’t care about them emotionally. It sounds like she’s saying what she means – that all she wants is to get under their sexy body?

Chris: I still think they should have set aside some time for courtship – unless he’s fallen on top of her in some freak accident.

Siri: This isn’t the 1700s anymore. There’s no such thing as courtship. You see someone you like, and BANG.

Chris: You’re under their sexy body. And how can she tell anyway? Does she have x-ray vision?

Siri: Maybe it’s a strip club? Maybe they are naked? You don’t need x-ray vision in that scenario.

Chris: If you’re talking about strip clubs, I hope it’s one of those clubs where you strip wallpaper off walls.

Siri: THAT IS THE GREATEST IDEA FOR A BUSINESS I HAVE EVER HEARD. You tell people that it’s a strip club, and then they come in and help you redecorate your house!

Chris: Yes, that’s exactly what I meant. As it Valentine’s Day on Tuesday, I want to appeal to young people who might be thinking of taking their girlfriend/boyfriend/partner out for a meal, or to the cinema to see the film. Do this. I encourage this. DON’T just get under their sexy body like Zara Larsson seems to do.

Image result for valentine's day

Siri: I, as an asexual person, would ALWAYS recommend watching ALL the movies, and eating ALL the food, and never getting under their sexy or unsexy body.

Chris: No, surely it needs to be a sexy body, and how skinny is the person that you could just slide under it. No, don’t get up, I’m coming! And before all the young people write in and tell me that I’m old and boring at 35, I would just like to say that… I am old and boring, at 35. And this is for entertainment purposes only!

Siri: I think I win, I’m old and boring at 21! That is a poor age to be old and boring at!

Chris: This is like the opposite of Top Trumps! What is the opposite of Top Trumps?

Siri: Bottom Trumps? Bottom Clintons?

Chris: Bottom Clintons.

Siri: *cries internally*

Chris: The Clintons must be really happy that they’ve been mentioned on Mundanevision! Anyway, that’s the end of the talk on bodies. Siri, would you like to rant about everything with no apparent end?

Siri: No, I’m pretty rant-free today. I’ve got a fun Valentine’s Day lined up – games night and pizza, what could be better?

Chris: Oh cool! The Lego Batman Film looks so good!

Siri: We’ll be watching the Princess Bride at home. Or whatever they feel like. As they wish.

Chris: Are you calling me the Dread Pirate Roberts?

Siri: Always. But yes, a lot of good films seem to be coming out soon. Our favourite over here in the Mundanevision Studios, Greta Gerwig, has a lot going on. She must be wearing down her shoes walking red carpets at the moment!

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Chris: I can’t wait to see Batman. They are building up the hype.

Siri: Oh, I get it. Building, because they are building lego blocks!

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Chris: And there’s a film about the Holocaust that I really want to see.

Siri: Yes, Denial. I really want to see that too.

Chris: Maybe we should go and see it together? Sorry guys, we are just organising our social calendars over here!

Siri: Sorry for not inviting you.

Chris: Bodies and social calendars are the main topics you can take away from this blogisode.

Siri: Well, the two secondary topics, I think. After your book!

Chris: And, with that, it’s the end people! Thank you for putting up with my rants, people, and we will see you all next week. Siri, anything to add?

Siri: Yes, go and see some films, and let us know how they are, and what fun Valentine’s day plans you’ve got!

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Chris: Right, I’m off to court a lady from the 1700s! Peace.

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Closeted Animal Politics

It’s time. To face. The BLOGISODE! Thank you, random voice over man. Hello, welcome to Mundanevision, which is on the World Wide Web. Or, if Trump had his way, the World Wide Wall. Ooh, satire, let’s never speak of this again. 

Chris: Hello Siri.

Siri: Hello Chris, and how are you?

Chris: I am good, thank you. Did you like my introduction?

Siri: I certainly did, and the sloth is looking over and smiling at me as well, so I think he found it funny too.

Chris: He’s looking particularly happy with himself.

Siri: Definitely, it’s his wonderful producing that makes jokes like that so wonderful.

Chris: Well, thank you for backing me up on the intro. I brought a fishing rod into the studio in case I needed to fish for compliments.

Image result for fishing rod

Siri: Never. You’d never have to do that!

Chris: So nice. Are you telling me it’s over fished?

Siri: I suppose I am, yes. What else is going on with you today, Chris?

Chris: What else is going on with me… I’m sitting in a warm studio with you, doing this blogisode, I think that’s it.

Siri: It is nice and warm in here. It’s been raining for hours outside, I suppose we can watch it from the studio’s window.

Chris: Do you think the queen owns the rain? Do you think it’s the rain of Elizabeth the Second?

Siri: Hahahaha, how witty you are today. I say that every blogisode! I think if the swans are the swans of Elizabeth, then the rain can definitely be hers too, so yes, the rain of Elizabeth the Second.

Chris: OR, is it just the sky crying because of Trump?

Siri: I’m sorry, I don’t know what you’re talking about. What is this Trump thing? I don’t know a Trump. I’ve never heard of a Trump. What even is a Trump?

Chris: I think he’s the guy that invented the card game. First name Top.

Image result for top trumps

Siri: Oh, can you imagine? What a fantastic world that would be if all Trump had done was invent a fantastic card game. I’ve started to avoid opening the news in the morning to protect my sanity and happiness. What’s been going on today?

Chris: Oh he’s just fired some chief judge because he didn’t agree with him over the ban of immigrants from some Muslim countries.

Siri: What’s really terrifying is that there must be so many people that secretly agree with him. I think my grandparents probably do. It’s just legitimising racism.

Chris: It’s funny how you used to be gay and in the closet, and now you’re a trump supporter in the closet.

Siri: I think that’s a magnificent parallel, except for the fact that the internet is a dangerous place to draw parallels between gay people and Trump supporters.

Chris: No, no, I’m not saying they’re the same. I’m just saying that the closet that used to house them is now housing secret trump supporters.

Siri: I hope they stay inside that closet for a long time, but I think Trump is making it easier and easier to come out of that closet, and maybe chasing the gay people back in.

Chris: I want to be in that closet, it sounds amazing.

Siri: Yeah, let’s go join them, and have a bit of a party. It seems like a safer place than the rest of the world right now.

Chris: Yes. I feel like Trump is being met with a wall of silence by the world at the moment. I like the way that there are two petitions running – one that wants Trump to come, and one that doesn’t want Trump to come, and they’re both up to one million signatures. It’s true, they’ve got an anti-Trump petition and a pro-Trump petition!

Siri: I don’t really know where I stand on that issue to be honest. I obviously don’t agree with what he’s doing, being the liberal that I am, but additionally if we remain friends with him maybe we can slowly talk some sense into him, rather than just completely cutting him out. What do you think?

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Chris: Everybody’s making a big deal over the wall he’s building, maybe they’re just building a house – some residence that’s just close to Mexico.

Siri: Maybe, but since he called Mexicans rapists, I feel like it’s unlikely for him to want to build a house very close to them.

Chris: Okay, let’s get off Trump, I’m not a political animal. I wonder what is a political animal? What animal is political?

Siri: There’s something political like about crabs. They seem suspicious and sneaky, and untrustworthy, like politicians.

Chris: And put them in hot water and they have a bad time. They’re always getting into hot water.

Siri: Hahaha! See, there are more parallels between politicians and crabs than the first parallels that spring to mind. I’m sure there are many more parallels between politicians and pigs than just the first that spring to mind as well!

Chris: You mean they’re swine?

Siri: Of course that’s what I meant.

Chris: Let’s leave this political animal discussion.

Siri: Yes. Please.

Chris: That’s a sentence you don’t hear every day!

Siri: Speaking of animals though, it was Chinese New Year over the weekend! It’s now the Year of the Rooster.

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Chris:  I knew this, I went and celebrated Chinese New Year with some friends.

Siri: No way! How did you celebrate?

Chris: Tried lots of Chinese New Year food.

Siri: My housemate’s Chinese and she went to celebrations, and I was hoping she’d bring me back some food. BUT SHE DIDN’T. They ate it all.

Chris: Chinese New Year strikes me as kind of smart, so…

Siri: In what way smart?

Chris: Well, coming in slightly later than 2017, and avoiding all it’s pitfalls!

Siri: Smart is definitely the right word!

Chris: Just superior in every respect. I mean, you don’t see the Chinese electing a rooster as head of the state, do you?

Siri: Ahahahaha, you don’t, that’s true. Although the year’s just begun, there’s plenty of time for thousands more pitfalls.

Chris: I don’t know, I think the Chinese New Year is creeping along behind the English one, trying to avoid its mistakes. Sneaky! And, with that, our new blogisode is at an end!

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Meet The Sloth

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We finally got our sloth to appear in a picture! Introducing the producer of all our blogisodes since the beginning… he’s simply known as “The Sloth”. A bit like The Stig, but cooler.

Although he’s silent during the blogisodes, he’s very vocal when it comes to posting the shows on WordPress, expecting nothing less than perfection. Without the sloth, we wouldn’t have half the fans or supporters that we have. We owe him a big debt of gratitude for making our blogisodes into something you (hopefully) enjoy weekly. Thank you, Sloth, the leaves and tender shoots are on us tonight!

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Cop Iguanas with Oscars

Hello and welcome to this exciting episode of Mundanevision. A blog which combines razor sharp wit and true grit. Okay, let’s start the show.

Chris: Hey Siri!

Siri: Hello Chris!

Chris: So, the Oscar nominations are out today. Have you seen any of them?

Siri: BBC thought they would notify me that La La Land has been nominated for 14. But I don’t know anything else.

Chris: 14 Oscars for somebody going La La?! That is overkill, but never mind! It’s amazing how a baby goose can act that well.

Siri: A gosling?

Image result for gosling goose

Chris: Yes.

Siri: You’re talking about a baby goose acting well, but the other lead was literally a small rock. And she did marvellously too.

Chris: Wow, do they even need actors anymore?

Siri: I don’t know, good question though. Who else got nominated?

Image result for la la land

Chris: A lion got nominated.

Siri: Oh, cool, I haven’t seen Lion yet! It looks good though, judging by what I saw on Graham Norton.

Chris: Has he seen it?

Siri: Good question, you should ask him.

Chris: Can I have Graham Norton’s phone number please?

Siri: We’ll ask the sloth to find it for you.

Chris: He’s on the case.

Siri: Is he literally on a case?

Chris: No, no, I was using terminology from an American crime show.

Siri: Which one?

Chris: Any of them.

Siri: There should be a crime show-,

Chris: About blogs?

Siri: Yes, great idea! Although isn’t that kind of what CSI: Cyber is about?

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Chris: No, CSI: Cyber’s not about blogs. In my version, Joe Blogs would be a hard bitten cop who has come over from America and now uses his unconventional methods to solve crimes involving blogs.

Siri: That sounds like a good show. It kind of reminds me of Dr John Watson’s blog, and how he and Sherlock solve crimes.

Chris: In my show, there’d be a lot of dusting of keyboards, but the twist would be that Detective Joe Blogs is an iguana!

Siri: Ooh, that is a twist! Is he secretly an iguana, or does everyone know that?

Chris: Everyone knows he’s an iguana, but what people don’t know is that he’s an iguana with chameleon DNA.

Siri: *GASPS*, what does that mean he can do???

Chris: That means that he can blend in to any surface he chooses!

Siri: Doesn’t it take him a lot longer to write his blogs as he’s a chameleon/iguana?

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Chris: Yes, but the fact that he’s a chameleon makes him the ideal worker, because he never takes a day off – he’s never off colour!

Siri: Ooh, what a clever one Mr Blogs is! He must be a very good detective. He can even secretly break into suspects homes and watch them without anyone knowing. He might be breaking the law doing that, but I’m sure he learns a lot of stuff.

Chris: The tagline of the show is: he used to write blogs, now he investigates them.

Siri: Is iguanagates a word? For when iguanas are investigating?

Chris: I don’t know, but that sounds like a brilliant hashtag!

Siri: Yes, that’s true! Everyone who supports the detective can put #iguanagater on all their blog posts and twitter entries.

Chris: Let’s get it trending, fans!

Siri: Yes, go go go, tweet about Joe the blogging blog-iguanagator who’s also a chameleon! In other news, I see all the Valentine’s day merchendise is coming out now!

Chris: Yes! This brings me to exciting news. Our sloth is hanging around Sainsbury’s!

Siri: Whaat?! What’s he doing not at work?? Is he looking for a date??

Chris: I don’t know, but I’m going to go down after the show and liberate him!

Siri: Great idea, although if he is looking for dates, I doubt he feels like he needs liberating!

Chris: And then we can put an actual picture of the actual sloth on the Mundanevision facebook page!

Siri: Oh, that would be brilliant, our readers would love it! And I’m sure Sloth would too – what a great way to start internet dating. See, Mundanevision helps so many people in so many areas of life, and they don’t even have to be human!

Chris: We are so underappreciated!

Siri: Very true, where are our Oscars??? Or our other awards? Where is Joe Blogs to congratulate us on our humour and wit?

Chris: I can’t see him, he must be around here somewhere.

Siri: Yes, I’m sure you’re right. All the awards people are probably on their way to congratulate us and give us prizes and money and awards. Mary Berry must even be on her way!

Chris: Yes, think of all the stuff we’ve done over the past year! We’ve done lots of stuff.

Siri: I’m still awaiting all our sponsors. We advertise so many films, foods, and fantastic other things on here, that people really should be paying us!

Chris: But if they pay us, will other blogs say “ooh, that Mundanevision, they’ve sold out”?

Siri: Maybe, but it’s just jealousy. All blogs want to sell out eventually, it’s just the best ones that have the opportunity!

Chris: I have an answer to all those haters anyway – I’ve never sold anything in my life! So how can I be a sell-out?

Siri: Good point, although you have considered selling things, I’m sure. And you’ve kind of sold your talent.

Chris: To the internet?

Siri: Yes, exactly! You are payed in praise and adoration.

Chris: And views and likes!

Siri: Yep, views too!

Chris: I feel like if people love this blog, all they need to do is give it a view, and a little Oscar ceremony is set off in my head.

Siri: Maybe we could gain our fame by starting up the Oscars for blogs in the UK? We could call it the BritBlog Awards?

Image result for an oscar

Chris: Yes! We wouldn’t roll out a red carpet, it would be a blue rug!

Siri: And no one would take any photos of the bloggers, because no one knows what bloggers look like.

Chris: I know who does.

Siri: Who?

Chris: Joe Blogs! #iguanagate

Siri: SO TRUE. Joe Blogs could be the judge. If iguana-chameleons can vote? I don’t know how good his skills at counting, or writing or anything are. I also don’t really know what qualities you need to be a good judge. I think Joe Blogs would be magnificent though.

Chris: He has the iguana factor! So, everybody, enough of this silliness, we must away for another day! Thank you very much!

Siri: Goodbye wonderful bloggers or blog-readers!

Chris: #iguanagate! Peace. x

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Answers to Music’s Greatest Questions

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There have been a lot of unanswered questions in pop and rock music over the years: are we human or are we dancer? That’s not my name. Do you ever feel like a plastic bag? Should I stay or should I go? I will now attempt to answer these burning questions and a few more in this poorly compiled word document…

Who let the dogs out? [Baha Men]

Dear Mr Men, the answer to this was provided by Britney Spears in 2000, when she confessed ‘Oops, I did it again’. The solution to this is simple: in the future,k eep your dogs away from Britney!When she says she wants to go to the pound, please decline for your own safety and sanity.

Who’s going to stop the rain? [The Beatles]

Dear remaining Beatles, you asked in one of your songs who is going to stop the rain. The answer was provided a few years later by the Beach Boys when they sang “God Only Knows”. In the meantime, may I suggest an umbrella for your protection?

Where are all the good men gone, and where are all the gods? [Bonnie Tyler]

Dear Miss Tyler, The Proclaimers have the answer to your query. They are on their way – although they do live in Scotland, so it might take a while!

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag? [Katy Perry]

Dear Miss Perry, Personally, I never feel like a plastic bag. However, I believe Green Day have claimed that they feel like another shopping receptacle, though, in their 1994 song Basket Case.

Should I stay or should I go? [The Clash]

Dear Clash (not to be confused with Slash, from Guns and Roses), We believe that this question was answered by Wham!, when they told you to wake them up before you go go. Such needy people!

Is this the real life? [Queen]

Dear Mr Mercury, You posed the question “is this the real life, or is this fantasy?” in your legendary hit Bohemian Rhapsody. However, with today’s social networks and online identities, who can tell? I think Avril Lavigne encapsulates our opinion in her song Who Knows.

Are we human or are we dancer? [The Killers]

Dear Mr Flowers, I believe Rag’n’Bone Man has helped you out this year, when he answered your question “are we human, or are we dancer?”. I can now definitively reveal that we are human. Thank you, Mr Bone Man.

Did you sail across the sun? [Train]

Dear Train, We hope we’re talking to you and not replacement bus service. I believe that while nobody has sailed across the sun, Smash Mouth has been walking on the sun! However, we advise caution with this endeavour, or lots of sun cream and shoes. Bastille has recently warned us that Icarus has been flying too close to the sun (again) – have you seen him? Did you pass him on your way?

Why does it always rain on me? [Travis]

Dear Travis, You asked why it always rains on you. Regrettably, to my knowledge no other rock artist has answered this. However, we advise caution, because due to global warming you’re going to get a lot more rain. Phil Collins wishes it would rain down on him, and Selena Gomez says that she’s experienced a year without rain, so think of them and feel Lucky, Travis. And stop hogging the rain.

Why does my heart feel so bad? [Moby]

Dear Moby, You posed the question “why does my heart feel so bad?”. Spare a thought for Scouting for Girls, whose heart actually skips a heartbeat. This means that they are suffering from angina, which is a real medical condition. You appear to be suffering from heartburn, which can be easily fixed.

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Reunion Blogisode

There seems to be a trend in TV recently to have reunion shows, so welcome to our reunion show, after one whole day! Goodness, I feel a lot older. I hope this is as funny as the original Mundanevision, and I hope Netflix picks this up. 

Chris: Hey Siri.

Siri: Good day.

Chris: I can’t believe you’re back, after 48 hours, this feels so long.

Siri: I know, these last 2 days have been extremely difficult. I don’t know how we made it through.

Chris: Oh no, that was an inadvertent Madonna reference.

Siri: It certainly was! I have to admit, Madonna references aren’t normally what I excel in.

Chris: I love spreadsheets too – thank you Microsoft Excel.

Image result for excel

Siri: Ugh, don’t talk to me about spreadsheets, I’ve spent the whole morning trying to sort out applications for internships and jobs. It has been stressful.

Chris: Can you apply for an internship to be a pirate? Then you could be captain of your own ship!

Image result for pirate

Siri: I hope so, I don’t know where one would find information about a pirate internship. I don’t think they surf the web as much as they sail the seas.

Chris: Yes, I think the high seas is where to go! Anyway, let’s get back on track. I want to thank word press for putting their faith in us, and getting this back together to do a reunion show.

Siri: Yes, thank you word press, we couldn’t have done it without you!

Chris: Now there was a point I wanted to make on the last blog, which we didn’t quite get round to. In 2008 the Killers asked “are we human or are we dancer?” in their song Human. This year Rag’n’Bone man have come up with the answer – that we are actually human after all! He then goes on to say “don’t put the blame on me”, but we’re not blaming anyone! He must be very insecure.

Siri: I can’t believe it took us over a decade of our species’ existence to determine that yes, we are actually human. The Killers really did confuse everyone!

Chris: The Killers did pose one of the greatest anthropological questions of our age!

Siri: True, and I think Rag’n’Bone man will go down in history as being the genius who solved it.

Human.jpg

Chris: I wonder if there are any other questions that will get answered this year. For example, the Clash posed the question “should I stay or should I go” what is the answer? What is the woman from the Ting Tings’s name?

Siri: The woman from the Ting Tings was named Katie. And I think Wham answered the Clash’s question? I’m not sure if the timeline is right for that, but I’m pretty sure they told the Clash to wake them up before they go go. I’ve checked, and the Clash asked in 1982, and Wham responded in 1984. So back in the 80s we were much faster at answering these questions.

Chris: It is because – I will put forward my hypothesis here – we were much faster at responding to people. For example, writing letters. We were good at responding to them to, but today our questions are posted on facebook and it could take a while for people to respond.

Siri: Also we don’t ask anyone in particular, we just put the question out there and hope that someone replies. In the old days, at least we were targeting specific people with our philosophical and anthropological questions.

Chris: Yeah, those pertinent questions tend to get lost on our facebook timeline, or snapchat, or isntagram, or twitter…

Image result for social network

Siri: Yeah, twitter seems to be more of a place for responses than questions. Something bad or good happens, and you can see the reactions and answers of individuals by just stalking their tweets.

Chris: Now that Siri’s said that, pigeons, make sure you watch out – we’re stalking your tweets! And before anybody writes in and says that pigeons don’t actually tweet, they coo, I know! They’re so hostile! I know that bluebirds tweet, and I know that other birds tweet, but pigeons coup. Are pigeons militant?

Siri: I think they are militant, in a very undercover and behind the scenes way. For example, during battles they are very good at bringing messages from certain people to another. Yet more proof that in the past we’ve got responses far faster.

Image result for pigeon post

Chris: By pigeon post!

Siri: Egg-sactly (sorry, I bet you’ve never heard that one before… not.).

Chris: No, I’m in a bit of a flap! After we post this blogisode, we should look into all the pertinent questions in pop, and put them up, and see who’s answered them in recent years, could be quite fun!

Siri: The first one that comes to my mind, sadly, is Justin Beiber’s What Do You Mean? I feel like he kind of answers that himself though, in the same song. That’s Beiber for you.

Chris: I can sympathise with Justin a bit though, because text speak is so confusing. What does it mean. Well done Justin, for pointing it out!

Siri: IKR, TBH it makes me LMAO. WU2?

Chris: Even the sensible people in rock music are at it – Ed sheeran posted the question “should I get drunk again?” The answer, Ed, is obvious to me. Only on special occasions. But as a general rule, no! And if you are requesting it for the first time you’ve done it, maybe you should stay off the alcohol!

Siri: Very very wise, I think alongside your TV show called Continuity Errors, you should release an album entitled “The Answers to Popstar’s Questions”.

Chris: Maybe we should release a book or even a bonus blogisode, where we just answer every question in pop and music that we can. I think we’ll not just be doing a service for us, we’ll be doing a service for popstars in general.

Siri: I agree. Oh, the things we’ll accomplish!

Chris: in 2017 – it’s so amazing. And with that, we should go and start accomplishing them! Watch out for our question and answer rock edition! Peace. x

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Continuity Errors

Hello everyone! Is your pet laying two meters away from the computer with their lead pointing towards the keyboard? If yes: maybe you should follow it’s lead and read this exciting blogisode of Mundanevision. You’d be barking mad to miss it.

Chris: Hey Siri.

Siri: Bonjour.

Chris: I couldn’t believe how many dog puns I fitted into that intro.

Siri: I’m desperately trying to think of a dog pun in response.

Chris: You’re barking up the wrong tree! To balance it out we should now do cat puns, but I don’t think cats read blogs.

Siri: They definitely don’t read blogs as often as dogs do.

Chris: I wanted to talk to you about a brilliant idea for a new TV show I’ve come up with.

Siri: Ooh, what’s it called?

Chris: We spoke about it before in our real lives.

Siri: This is our real life too!

Chris: But for the people who are reading this blog, I should explain. The show is called Continuity Error.

Siri: What happens?

Chris: The idea of continuity error is that nothing is off limits. If somebody suddenly looks difference in one scene and the audience picks up on it for being a continuity error, we say “that’s what we are going for”.

Siri: So it’s like a game? See if you can spot all the continuity errors?

Image result for continuity error

Chris: Yes. And the cast might change from season to season, we just don’t know what will happen!

Siri: Does it have a plot as well?

Chris: I don’t know about a plot, but I have spent a lot of time thinking of all the continuity errors I could put in. You and your rational mind!

Siri: That’s okay, I’ll be in charge of the plot. What are more of the continuity errors you’ve thought of?

Chris: So the cast can change from season to season, the characters can suddenly be older for no apparent reason (that was the main one).

Siri: I assume things like objects mysteriously moving between takes would also be okay?

Chris: Yes. And I shall be critically acclaimed no matter what the critics say!

Siri: That’s the biggest perk of running a show like this!

Chris: And to be cancelled would be just a mild irritant for us, as we would go on line.

Siri: Yes, I guess if you’re cancelled then you can just not be cancelled anymore if that’s what you decide. Like in movies when someone’s dating someone and then they never appear or are mentioned again, you could just ignore that kind of thing. So if someone says you’re cancelled then you just don’t act on it and don’t mention it again.

Chris: I think this will be an amazing show!

Siri: I think it should be based in Exeter, around a few people that run a hot chocolate cafe. What do you think?

Chris: A hot chocolate cafe is a good one. If it’s cold one week, that’s an episode.

Image result for wizarding world

Siri: Of course there’d be a supernatural element to it too. Maybe you get transported to another world when you drink the coffee – like different flavours take you to Hogwarts or Zootropolis? But then again, maybe the supernatural element could just change every episode and be whatever you want it to be, if continuity errors are what you’re aiming for.

Image result for zootropolis

Chris: Absolutely! We could even have a season where we change the title slightly so it’s continuity errors and plot holes, so that won’t matter.

Siri: Yeah, I guess the theme tune can change, the cast can change, the name and logo can change… the possibilities are endless. Or you could REALLY cause chaos and not change the logo and theme tune one episode – so every episode you change the opening theme, but one episode you keep it the same as before. I think that would cause major havoc amongst the billions of fans.

Chris: People will be in uproar. We could just kill off their favourite characters, we could bring them back to life… Whatever.

Siri: Yes, people would both love it and hate it. We could torture them by having a horrible episode where the love of the protagonist’s life is clubbed to death, and then the next episode just pretend like it never happened, and they’re as happy as ever. BUT THEN the episode after that we could kill them again!

Chris: So the main character could be Jim then June then Sully then Sally then Fred then Fran then Alex then Jamie for no apparent reason!

Siri: GENIUS. I see no problems whatsoever with this plan.

Chris: And even if you did, Siri, I don’t care, because it’s the worst TV show ever commissioned. It’s like when you’re five and you fold a piece of paper up and draw a bit of a man and pass it onto someone else who also draws a bit of a man, and pass it onto someone else…

Siri: Yes, that’s a perfect analogy. Except I’m marginally offended by you saying “when you’re five…”, my sister and I still play that game.

Chris: Okay, when you’re five or fifty five.

Siri: Much better, thank you! And happy birthday little sister – Alexis, we’ll call you. She’s 19 today.

Chris: From all at Mundanevision!

Siri: I just realised I wrote ’19’ as a number, but ‘five’ and ‘fifty-five’ as words, and I almost changed it but then I thought that goes against the entire founding principle of our show. Also, the first time I wrote ’55’ it was without a hyphen. This continuity error thing is fun.

Chris: Yes, the world has gone mad! There’s now a Monopoly app you can download.

Image result for monopoly app

Siri: On your phone? But phones are so much smaller than Monopoly boards?

Chris: Come on Siri, take a Chance. Or should that be Community Chest… No, I’m pretty sure it’s Chance!

Image result for chance and community chest cards uk

Siri: Haha. Okay then, tell me about this game.

Chris: Yes, so. It’s like the board game of Monopoly except on your phone. I don’t understand it, who needs to play Monopoly so badly that they need it to hand every minute of the day?

Siri: Good question, Monopoly is one of my least favourite games. I don’t think anyone has ever finished a Monopoly game (let me know if I’m wrong, readers!). Who do you actually play against on this app?

Chris: You play against other people over wifi.

Siri: So people you know, or is it like Words with Friends can be and that quiz game?

Chris: It’s not like Words with Friends – by the way, Words with Friends is amazing. It’s like a novel you collaborate on.

Image result for words with friends

Siri: Ugh, if only.

Chris: No, so Monopoly you play against people you know on your phone, which I don’t see the point of.

Siri: I guess that’s marginally better than playing it in real life, as you don’t have to do it all in one sitting, it can just go on forever.

Chris: Yes. Okay, we’ve exceeded our word limit, so while I’m sitting with my friend we’ve got to stop writing words. I thank you! Peace.

 

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There are Stranger Things than this Blogisode…

BLOG TIME! Hey guys, as Siri just said, it is now Blog Time! So strap in, and make sure your tray tables are in the upright position. And please switch to channel 1. 

Chris: Hey Siri.

Siri: Oh, hey Chris. I didn’t see you there.

Chris: What? Have I become a ghost of a Christmas?

Siri: Maybe? My grandparents thing their house is being haunted, because their dog Roma keeps barking at the air.

Chris: Maybe she can smell the aroma?

Siri: I’ll suggest that to them, although my grandfather has a fast wit and is good at playing on words, so maybe he’s already thought of it. You and he would have a pretty punny conversation I think!

Chris: Anyway, talking about things being haunted by things moves me on to our first topic of conversation.

Siri: Ooh, what’s on the agenda for today?

Chris: You make it sound like I have a clipboard.

Siri: Your little desk looks kind of like a clipboard!

Chris: If you’re playing along at home, please tick off item one in your brain. RIGHT, I wanted to talk about Netflix’s new X Files, Grease, E.T. crossover, called ‘Stranger Things’.

Siri: I’m not sure there are stranger things than an X Files, Grease, E.T. crossover!

Chris: So they’ve tapped into that market – they’re actually geniuses! Have you seen this series? Do you know what I mean by and X Files, E.T. Grease crossover?

Siri: I’m not sure where the Grease aspect of it is, except that maybe it’s set in the same time, but it’s missing the leather jackets and the song, I think.

Chris: Well let me break it down for you. For anybody who hasn’t seen Stranger Things, this is supposed to be Netflix’s new paranormal mystery series.

Siri: OOoooooOOOOOOoooooooooOOOOOoooo….

Chris: Great paranormal noises, Siri.

Siri: Why thank you, I’ve been practising them all Christmas.

Chris: What a cracker. Right, so there are four kids (minus one, but then plus one), and they ride around on bikes, which looks scarily similar to the bikes used in Steven Spielberg’s E.T. There’s a teenage storyline about the older sister of one of the younger kids (bear with me). This older sister is going out with the most popular kid in school (as in Grease).

Image result for x files chris carterImage result for stranger things doctor brenner

Siri: Oh yeah, I forgot about her whole storyline.

Chris: And then the main doctor, who works at the laboratory who looks suspiciously like Chris Carter (who created the X Files). The kid that goes missing is called Will, which in my mind is just a shortened version of the name William, who is Molder Scully’s son in the X Files. I rest my case. And there are cars in it, which makes it even more like Grease.

Image result for ET kids on bikesImage result for stranger things kids on bikes

Siri: *claps* that was marvellous, I’m convinced. Stranger Things is that exact crossover.

Chris: AND, there’s an episode where they dress a girl up in a blonde wig, a bit like E.T.

Siri: Does she get away with it?

Image result for stranger things nancy and steveImage result for grease sandy and danny

Chris: She looks better blonde than with short hair.

Siri: My friend Lindsay has met the actors from it, and says the girl who plays Eleven is not very nice.

Chris: If they wait until the kids get older before the next series, will she call herself Thirteen?

Siri: I don’t think so, but maybe they’ll bring in another character called Thirteen. There’s someone called Four in the Divergent series, so clearly number names are becoming more popular.

Chris: We should give ourselves number names on this blog, so people can identify it. People are getting bored with proper names – even celebrities are opting out of calling their kids David. It’s got to be something like Divinity 13, or Divisable.

Siri: Speaking of Divisible, can we get back to Ed Sheeran’s new album, Divide, that’s coming out soon?

Related image

Chris: For anybody who doesn’t know, Ed Sheeran came back this week with not one, but

Siri: TWO

Chris: Two new songs.

Siri: Sorry I’m very excited.

Chris: I like them, and I’m glad he and his guitar are back.

Siri: And I was rereading the note he put on his instagram a year ago, that said that he was taking a break from his phone and media, and it said that this album is his best work yet, so I cannot express how excited I am.

Chris: I think we can learn from this that Siri is very excited.

Siri: No no no, you don’t understand, I AM SO SO SO EXCITED. I can’t even describe it. ED SHEERAN IS BACK.

Chris: Okay, there’s steam rising from the keyboarding and I think Siri is about to explode. Can we get a fire extinguisher in here please?

Siri: You’ll need one when his album drops, it’s going to be so hot it will literally be on fire. I’m excited, in case I hadn’t mentioned.

Chris: No, really? You keep your excitement hidden so well.

Siri: I’m still heartbroken because the Script were supposed to release an album in September 2016 (A WHOLE YEAR AGO… kind of) so this is pretty exciting news. Just so you know.

Chris: I don’t understand why people use the word ‘dropping albums’. Surely the case would crack if they dropped an album? Depending on how high they dropped it from.

Siri: Good point. Maybe they want the case to crack? You can’t listen to a CD if it’s still in its case, y’know.

Chris: Is this like CSI: Musical Edition, and they want to crack the case.

Siri: Ooh, that gets the award for the best pun so far of 2017. But also an award for best idea for a TV Show. Why were you not at the Golden Globes???

Chris: On the subject of musicals, La La Land has been nominated for a lot of Golden Globes.

Siri: And won them too, and now it’s nominated for a whole load of BAFTAs.

Chris: La La Land is the easiest name for a musical that anyone could have come up with.

Image result for la la land

Siri: It’s clever though, because La La Land is slang for Hollywood – like L.A., you see?

Chris: And here we go again, we are on to abbreviations. Right, before we go, Siri, I just want to say for all the new listeners we’ve got on our blog, how would you sum it up for them.

Siri: How many words do I have in this summary?

Chris: You have: one sentence.

Siri: Be prepared for an exciting ride of randomness, current topics, tv shows and so much more weirdness, but don’t be deceived by the title, it’s not Mundane at all.

Chris: Thank you, Siri. And now the weather with Jane –  no, who am I kidding, there’s no weather with Jane, I was just thinking about Stranger Things! Thank you for putting up with this, guys. We’ll be back very soon – peace.

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Echos in time

Hey guys! The turkey is n the bin and the New Year is in. Welcome to Mundanevision. 

Chris: Its a grey day where we are, so I hope lots of you are inside reading this. If you’re not at least bookmark it for later. Or get the new amazon echo to read it to you.

Image result for amazon echo dot change search

Poppy: I didn’t know it could do that.

Chris: Well I am not sure it can read this blog, but it can read audiobooks and papers to you. Its very exciting.

Poppy: Ah yes, because you have recently purchased one.

Chris: Yes, I have. I love new technology, its much better than old technology. Or even last years technology.

Poppy: It is surprising the rate at which it improves.

Chris: It is, maybe one day this blog be out of date, and Arnold will have to come back from the future to save it.

Poppy: Arnold?

Chris: Yeah I was avoiding saying Schwarzenegger, in case you were struggling with spelling.

Image result for arnold schwarzenegger terminator 1

Poppy: Oh well thank you! Still ended up having to google it anyway.

Chris: In the 85th reboot of the franchise.

Poppy: I think we all just a bit passed it by now.

Chris: Yeah but I have a really good idea for the 85th reboot… Arnold becomes an ecowarrior and save trees from being destroyed to make paper.

Poppy: Hopefully it will be before the 85th, not sure the planet can hold out that long.

Chris: What about if all the film scripts are written in 180 characters or less to engage the younger audiences.

Poppy: I think they already are.

Chris: Wait, I am not late am I. Can I go back in time and stop that happening?

Poppy: Is your name Arnold?

Chris: No, I am the doctor. Time travelling and curing medical conditions.

Poppy: Must be a treat to go back to medieval times then, plague and all that.

Chris: You can’t cure that bit, its all a bit confusing.

Poppy: Oh right, well maybe you should figure it out?

Chris: Yes maybe. Before I go back so I don’t waste time figuring it out while I am there. Which make for a good dramatic story, but do nothing for my medical career, they will think I am completely incompetent.

Poppy: It would be fun to have friend in all the different time periods. That way when someone annoys you, it is possible to go to a time before they were even born.

Chris: Oh don’t you bring Matt Damon into this.

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Poppy: I don’t think that’s fair. Bruce Foresyth maybe, but surely not Matt Damon, he is easy enough to ignore?!

Image result for bruce forsyth

Chris: We all hasve a little Matt Damon inside of us, after all we are all Bourne. And you only become Bruce Foresyth if you play your cards right.

Poppy: Well I personally am thankful we can’t all be Bruce. Which by the way is a really ugly name.

Chris: Bruce is not that bad. Strictly speaking.

Poppy: hmm… anyway friend in different time periods would be very cool.

Chris: Oh  I see what you mean, friends in  different time period. hat would be cool to have a medieval Ross and Rachel and a Victorian Ross and Rachel, then an Elizabethan Ross and Rachel… You get the picture.

Image result for ross and rachel

Poppy: Not exactly what I had in mind, but still very cool.

Chris: Is though, think hoe many more series there would be, blackadder would be very annoyed.

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Poppy: I LOVE THAT!!!

Chris: Yes blackadder is very, but if you are bitten by one not so much.

Poppy: A friend of mine sat on one once. It was very uncomfortable.

Chris: The only snake I have ever antagonised is the old mobile phone game.

Poppy: I was going to say the only snake I have sat on was my sister when she’s annoyed me. A figurative snake of course… she’s human really.

Chris: Away from snakes, or maybe towards them? Did you hear about Donald Trump this morning?

Poppy: Do I want to, that’s the question?

Chris: That would have made Hamlet much long, to hear or not to hear?

Poppy: So Donald Trump…

Chris: Yes. Apparently he is going to keep Guantanamo Bay open, so he can “catch more bad dudes”

Poppy: Anybody who uses the word “dude” is not fit to run  a country.

Chris: Maybe he thinks he’s president of the 90’s

Poppy: Not this is unfortunately very current.

Chris: I think we have run out of time, which is strange because time is infinite. Peace.

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